Reviews for The Grey Witches
GossamerSilverglow chapter 2 . 8/12/2013
The first paragraphs made me feel a little info dumped. I can tell this is an older story…I just paused in the review to check it out and I knew I was right. The significant change in your writing from this story when compared to Doppelganger is huge! I thought at first it was because the different POV, but it’s definitely due to your writing improving. I would suggest starting off a little lighter with the details, spread the information out. I know you making Jelixa and the sisters perform a ritual, which is heavy info anyhow, but if you go back over this story be sure you’re aware that the info should be spread out. I’m also gonna suggest shortening the chapters, eleven pages may not be long in a book, but on the internet it really is just way too long. I’d say anywhere form 500 to 2,500 words, but anything over that and it gets overwhelming. Now, this is just my personal opinion, but you might want to consider making your chapters shorter.

I can’t believe they summoned a demon. How stupid, but how very entertaining for me…I’m sure it’s a plot device, but why not let us know the sisters names? Oh well, I’ve done something like this before too and it seems to not be overly pleasing to readers. The death of one of the sisters wasn’t surprising, did they expect anything less? I’m kind of hoping for a demon romance here. I know it’s slightly demented, but it’s allowed for fiction. Even if there isn’t a genre for romance, which seems to be something writers avoid, but maybe they just don’t understand what sells. *Shrugs* I hope there’s some romance in it.

I’m surprised Asmodee didn’t leave when she spoke it. He made a deal. In my experience (hello, not in real life, in TV shows *_-) demons honor deals or they find a loop hole. They’re like lawyers in that department. I think you could make it something like that, like Asmodee said he would do this, but not that or something. What I don’t get is she seems all wronged after calling the demon, like she’s better than the sister that died when in reality it could’ve been her. I don’t feel the fear, anxiety, panic or whatever you want to call it coming from Jelixa. It’s more like someone called Jelixa in to clean up somebody else’s mess, but she did partake in the ritual. So maybe you could add a little more in there about that. Brunhilde (love the name) pointed out that Jelixa viewed the others as less worthy and I do think she was right I felt it in the beginning and throughout. Jelixa’s response proved it. And Brunhilde pointing out that one had to die for Jelixa’s experiment also proves that Jelixa needs to learn a lesson herself, but having to kill her was going a little too far.

As characters go Jelixa has a lot of growing up to do and actually she kind of felt similar to my character Bailey from Buried. I don’t really like people who think they’re better than others, even if they might be, it isn’t right that they act like it, so I think it’ll be great if you have her progressively start to understand that. That people will make mistakes, that she isn’t perfect, that everything isn’t always black and white. Her name change when she’s getting a room was a good idea too. Why would she still call them sisters though? Even if she did make a wrong decisions (which I do think it was because someone died from the results of her actions) they are still trying to kill her.
GossamerSilverglow chapter 1 . 8/12/2013
The short glossary in the beginning is the best idea ever, maybe it’s because I’ve always thought that writers creating a new world should have one in the beginning so the reader isn’t scrambling to figure out what a word meant. I’ve suggested it to a lot of writers too.

I’m still reading through Doppelganger, but I was browsing through your stories and came across this summary and had to put that story on hold. “There was a magnetism also, that would draw four together as sisters. The same kind that brought together The Grey Witches.” I think these sentences should be together. Likes this: “There was a magnetism that would draw four together as sisters, the same kind that brought together The Grey Witches.”

“Once the mountain was climbed and the mystery revealed, it became about competition. Putting their knowledge to the test against their learned counterparts and sisters.” I also think these sentences should be combined too. So, for a first chapter this was very intriguing. And I’m very curious already, so it really worked well as the first chapter. Great job!
The Saturday Storytellers chapter 3 . 10/28/2010
So, here I go meeting Lillis.

"Lillis was considered the darkest of the dark." This seems a contradictory start of the chapter, at least for me. But then, I live in the northern hemisphere and 'south' to me is synonymous with warmth and sunshine. Of course, that feeling is followed by the more rational ideas that either Lillis lives closer to the equator or beyond it (from my perspective), and that the southern Antarctic is meant to be a more severe place than the northern Arctic anyway. And, perhaps, this is the early Lillis, before she began to be Power of the South.

I'm looking forward to unravelling the above mystery!

So Lillis wasn't evil even at the beginning (if this is, in fact, her early story). Perhaps she put on a face of evil to fit in, like Jelixa? In which case, you may want to consider the pattern of your witches' background stories. Do the other two break from the 'had to pretend to be evil but wasn't really'? type? It might be a good idea to have one of their stories next if yes, just for contrast's sake.

"He lived in an old, condemned house in the West End, lonely and poor." Just to let you know, but the West End of London is the opulent part. I don't live in London so am not very familiar with absolutely every street so there may be areas in the West End that aren't so pleasant, but generally you'll find that the East End is the less illustrious part, where poorer people live. If it's important that the madman lives in the West End you may want to consider making him homeless? Just a thought.

When Lillis is made an orphan in your story, she goes from losing her parents to putting distance between herself and her guardian in two paragraphs and I feel the emotion of that time is dulled. It would be great to get a more immediate sense of how things were for her, perhaps get a direct sense of what she was like at that age, with dialogue. But it feels rushed-through.

"...while all the other children looked at her sad..." Do you mean 'looked at her sadness', or 'sadly'?

Just to let you know also (sorry if I'm being very critical here, but I worked for a year in mental health) but a schitzophrenic is not the same as a psychopath. Most schizophrenics are harmless people. Bewildered, perhaps. Terrified, more often. Detached from reality, certainly. But that's not the same as psychopathology.

"Lillis knew the city too well to get lost, and found her way through the streets and to a mysterious bookstore." Again, here is the chance to give us an immediate sense of Lillis' personality during this difficult time. Strangely, this sentence seems to go from broad overview to one, single and important event in her life. You might want to walk the reader through the process of her finding this bookshop, seeing how it's given a wide berth and deciding to try it for herself.

We'd like to feel the mystery, the trepidation and the wonder too.

""I know. You came here because you felt led to, but you were never allowed to before. The only reason you stand alone right now is because you were orphaned."

" I'm not quite sure what effect you're going for here. Perhaps Lavonna is psychic (genuinely so), perhaps she is a cold-reader (so merely seems psychic), or perhaps you accidentally wrote her as already being privy to more information than she can really know. But whatever the truth, she's being far too familiar with Lillis at this time. I feel that Lillis has little enough reason to stay and would beat a hasty retreat if she found someone knew this much about her. I'm 28 and it would chill my spine, I know that much.

I feel that the convwersation between Lavonna and Lillis when they talk about Lillis' attempts at witchcraft is a bit... not forced, but a lot is missing from it. Perhaps words, perhaps the looks and pauses and so on, but it really needs work, because that conversation has so much - Lillis, discovered prying; the potential for Lavonna to be angry, the beginngs of acceptance of Lillis into a culture she'll spend the rest of her life in. And certainly Lavonna needs to be more certain that Lillis will come to her if she needs help; just that one sentence about not hesitating won't necessarily do it. She needs to forge a good bond with Lillis to make sure nothing untoward happens for want of Lillis coming to her for help.

All of this chapter so far has been one, long scene. Maybe consider breaking it up. You clearly need to cover a lot of ground here, so scene-breaking may help to give you the chance to achieve a tight focus and a more general sense of how a couple of years went.

I know this story is an older one of yours (certainly this chapter is), so perhaps this is old news. Forgive me if this comes across as patronising, but I can only really respond to what I see.

"A resurrection spell." Oh boy. Now that sounds like trouble...

So she resurrects her mum and dad as undead figures, but there's no description of them? Even if they actually look alive as the day they died, surely Lillis would be surprised at this, or just take in the sight she'd been denied for so long: her mum and dad, smiling at her.

And wouldn't they be shocked at what'd just happened?

Ah. There is description. I'm surprised it comes so long after the resurrection, though.

"Lillis still wanted to believe they were her parents.

" This works well. I can imagine Lillis in denial about what she's done, and the fact that her parents weren't as easy to bring back as all that. Perhaps it is impossible after all; only a witch could say for sure.

The idea of lighting or extinguishing one candle and the other candles following suit is a pertty sweet image. I'm not familiar with many witch stories so I don't know whether it's original or not, but I like it.

"Her parents were her last tie to goodness, and after that she didn't care to ever see them again—even in heaven." Would a witch believe in heaven? I'm not sure, but I thought the occult, or its attendent a belief system(s), conflicted with Christianity.

And I gather by this point in the story that Lillis is an adult? It would be nice to have some indication of whether this is true.

"Alessa was a young orphan too, her same age in fact." Ah, a new character! This part definitely needs to start with a new scene. The following sentence is rather unclear as there are two 'her's that you could be talking about. And, if they have such a rapport with each other, I feel strongly that you need to show them interact, rather than just telling the reader and hoping they'll take your word for it.

The coven's tasks, their jobs, need to be written more clearly - I'm uncertain quite what they do and I'm sure you'd like to retain a certain mystery of what's done, but I'm not getting any sense of horror or wonder that the mark might feel, or whether the work is difficult or easy for the witch in question, or any other such things.

"But as the magick of the wall writing was only meant for Alessa, only she could see it, leaving Lillis half-wondering, half-knowing why Alessa was turned towards it." I'm sorry, but with this entire section - and the bits before and after - I've got little idea of what's going on. I think you need to try and look at all of this more with an outsider's pair of eyes. Explain more, get more into the emotions that each character is feeling and their thought processes.

At the stage Alessa and Lillis face Lavonna to explain why the job went wrong, I start to feel fatigued with this chapter. I don't mean I feel it's bad, it's just you've got a huge amount going on in this chapter. An awful lot, and much of it very powerful, emotional stuff. A lot of time has past, and you've focussed in tight a lot on small scenes. I think you'd be better off cutting this chapter in two and expanding both halves so that the reader gets the essence of each scene in more detail. Perhaps work with a view to keeping each chapter relatively simple. Get it to reveal little, and your readers will find the story easy to follow as each chapter adds just a little bit, and a little bit more, and a little bit more to the story each time.

"Keeping Alessa in her thoughts, she chanted, "Through the line of blood we share, show me there…"" Here I see a classic problem described on TVTropes as 'AWizardDidIt'. In continuities where there is magic (or in your case, of course, majick), any physically impossible thing can be hand-waved as 'a wizard/witch did it'. But I think magic has more appeal if there are limits to what it can achieve. If Lillis can (only) see the current doings of a person with whom she shares a bloodline, then she would be unable to see what Alessa is doing, as they are sisters in spirit, not blood.

Winston's death is chilling, though!

So Alessa kills herself. And in quite a nasty way, it seems. I can see that Lillis is cut deep by this - she's really upset. But I'd have liked to have seen these two in happier times, seen their friendship when they were simply friends.

- From We Return Reviews.
The Saturday Storytellers chapter 2 . 10/1/2010
"Jelixa was the embodiment of balance. She had long, red hair and blue-green eyes." I saw the bit about hair and eyes and immediately cringed: I thought, for a moment, you were going to be one of those readers who will only describe your (young, pretty) characters in terms of their eye and hair colour. But I think from the prologue that you're cleverer than that, and that you've described her hair and eyes here only to draw attention to the complimentary nature of their relative colours, therefore their essential balance.

I think you're generally overdoing the commas a bit in this chapter, so take care not to catch your readers on the little buggers too often in a sentence! I used to do it, too.

"Jelixa glared back, saying what she dared not with her eyes." This sentence is a little confusing. Where is Jelixa daring: in her glare, or with her words? At first you say she glares, but then you suggest that her words say what her eyes do not.

"lifting her eyebrows and leading her inside." 'Her' is used twice here, creating an ambiguity and repetition. You might want to amend this.

Fairly often, your tenses feel just a little bit off. They are arguably technically correct, but you might want to come back to this chapter (and, perhaps, others) and re-read them to see how they sound, how they feel. To me, they're coming across a little bit awkward. Which is a shame because the story you're already telling has an elegance to it, an intrigue. All it needs is smooth, artful sentences and you'll be pretty much there!

"Jelixa would usually put up a shield of light in all the ceremonies..." This whole paragraph implies that Jelixa is going to perform this magic - which, as she herself admits, can turn dark or light depending on the magick available - but that she's not going to put up her 'light magick' filter. If she's so disdainful of dark magick, why is she considering not using her filter? What's her reasoning?

"Each sister was a master of their own magick, meaning they would not know her spell as she did." Again, an awkward sentence structure. So as far as I understand, there are different areas of expertise a sister might have. Expertise in one field, therefore, implies lack of knowledge in another, as the other is not her specialism. However, that is not a given: nothing is more fascinating than someone else's study materials - have you ever wanted to go to a uni lecture that wasn't for your course, or read a book over someone else's shoulder? Exactly. And there is the possibility that the sisters' various disciplines have an element of overlap. For instance, a zoologist and an evolutionary biologist might know a few of the same things, even though their disciplines are different, because of overlap. I'm almost certain the same would be true for the sisters. So can Jelixa really rely on the ignorance of her sisters?

"Her face was wrinkled and pale with long nails." Her face has nails? I suspect not, but again, careful with your sentence structures! The image of the leader in my mind's eye is an impressive sight, though. She sounds visually awesome!

Again, as this evil demon appears in the sisters' midst, I'm confused as to why Jelixa has deceived everybody present and put them in such danger, especially as she has not even given us, via exposition, any idea why she's doing it.

"The sister instantly collapsed on the ground, dead." I initially read this to mean the leader dropped dead. You might want to clarify who died.

"And the possessions continued." Does this mean the demon jumps from sister to sister to sister, or does it mean there are other demons present, possessing so as to gain a clawhold on the physical world?

When Jelixa says, 'Light', is that the final word of the spell she omitted? I got the impression before that if she didn't say it (and she didn't) and the shield failed, that meant that the previous work spell work she'd done to prepare it had gone to waste. I didn't realise the spell was still hanging around, waiting for completion.

""If I name you, you must leave/"" Typo.

The visual description is quite sparing in this scene, and remains only with they physical appearances of the sisters and demons. You might want to add in details of the stone floor, or the high ceiling, or the coldness of the air... something that isn't the participants.

"Jelixa had saved them more for the sake of keeping her conscious clean..." 'Conscience'?

And I'm still finding that Jelixa is more acting than thinking. Why is she doing all of this? I'm starting to get the impression she's done it to show the sisters how evil they're being, but why bother? Does she still want their companionship in spite of everything? Does she mean to blackmail them? What?

Indeed, does she expect them to acquiesce to the point she makes? I imagine that these sisters will be rather vengeful. They'll be used to getting their own way, after all. One doesn't learn and practice magick in order to feel a lack of control over one's world.

"She did not want to believe her coven was evil, even though she felt it." Ah. Now *this* is what we needed to hear. And I think it would do the impact of this chapter no harm to say it near the beginning. It would give us some context.

"Facing a demon and seeing it enter the underworld was an awakening that such powers were real. She could have denied it before, but never again." This needs prior context, also. A high witch such as Jelixa would surely be almost nonchalantly aware of the existence of the demons she's faced on this night. The sentences I've copied here suggest someone far less experienced than the character you've been describing up to this point.

Again, you've said that Jelixa is powerful, an expert in her field to the extent that other witches in her coven would be ignorant of the powers she wielded. Or didn't wield, as the case may be. But when you say, "Jelixa couldn't tell if it was real or contrived." and then "All too trusting, Jelixa did so.", you're describing a rather naive, childlike character. I'd guess a witch with Jelixa's capabilities would be something of an Iron lady. She does now how to fight demons, after all, and commands the respect of seasoned workers of majick.

""On the condition you take your place as high priestess beside me."" ...I don't understand. *What*, on the condition she do so?

Ah, so Jelixa meant to teach her sisters a lesson, make a powerful statement that she doesn't want to have to deal with the demons. But her leader and sisters want to get information from all possible sources - including evil ones. Okay. But I can't help but feel Jelixa would have prepared more of a plan than she did. She'd need to have thought about what to do afterwards, because clearly the fallout was going to be messy, even if she did get rid of the demons.

This meeting of Jelixa and her leader is not going well, for a start.

""You disappoint me, Jelixa. Not only did I offer you forgiveness, I offered you a place the others would kill for." Why did the leader make such an offer, if Jelixa did something so against the wishes of the coven at large? I can only think that the offer is a bogus one, a trap of some kind. But you don't mention Jelixa as thinking this at all. I mean, I understand that the coven stands for things that Jelixa no longer wants, but even then, surely she'd stop and think, 'hang on. Why is Domina making me this offer?'

Something I think you might like to consider: your characters all sound pretty much the same: Jelixa and Domina speak very similarly and they don't seem to have their own, individual personalities. Even Asmodee's mannerisms aren't particularly showing up. I realise that he skipped about a bit and mocked during the ceremony, but it all needs a bit more beefing up. A bit more enrichment.

Certainly take care to make sure your human characters are individuals.

"He was handsome with short black hair and hazel eyes..." E, okay. Beware the obsession with hair and eyes! And I'm wary of the handsome, too.

Jelixa's arrival in the town isn't set up very strongly. I'm getting more of an image of her almost suspended in a rainy but black space with a few people around her. I can't see the houses, the cobblestones or flags, the shop windows or street urchins or any of the other stuff.

Bear in mind also that you have so far given your readers little to no idea what time this story is set in. Modern day or a few hundred years ago? On this world or another, or in a parallel timeline? Use this opportunity to let us know.

You might also want to put a scene break in when Jelixa runs, so that we get a sense she's been travelling for some time. It'll also give the reader a bit of a gentle slap on the cheek and wake her up - the previous scene was quite long!

"There was thunder as she looked down to see all traces of her blood were gone." All traces of *her* blood? Don't you mean her sisters' blood? If Jelixa's own blood were gone she'd die, surely?

To be honest, although you make the point that Jelixa's breaking of the bond is a rather cataclysmic action for her, it all sounds rather easy. I think you need to labour it more, or specify that salt on the wound of a witch is extra painful for some reason. Sure, cutting one's own hand and then pouring salt on it would hurt, but it would hardly be the most terrible feeling one could imagine.

- From We Return Reviews.
The Saturday Storytellers chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
Right, this has taken a bit longer than I'd have liked coming to you, but here goes!

This is a review, but seeing as the chapter is so short please feel free to count this and the next review as one.

Hmm. I'd be interested to know: is magick your own idea or is the distinction between magic and magick a real part of Wiccan culture?

Looks to me like this glossary is going to be helpful!

Although magic(k) in stories is notoriously often used as a means of hand-waving unrealistic events, it looks like you're really taking pains to spell out (no pun intended) what your magick is going to be capable of, its requirements and perhaps, its limitations. And this is a Good Thing(TM)

The paragraph that begins 'They were all from different covens...' is wonderfully-balanced. You've got this sense of perspective, of the naivete of youth blinding the young Wiccan practitioners to the cruelty of their actions (assuming the evil they worked could accurately be called cruelty. I'm struggling to imagine a situation where evil could not be cruel, but am always ready to be surprised). The length and structure of that paragraph is excellent. I think I'm going to enjoy the story you weave, here!

And I'm starting to wonder why these four are called the 'grey' witches. Will they be old by the time we achieve a tight focus on their stories? Maybe, maybe not, but I'm waiting for an explanation with interest!

Aha! Yes, now I'm seeing something I find exciting: a writer who is prepared to tell a story that is more than mere wish-fulfillment and playing with characters like herself and those in her life, so that she can show others what her values are and see what the rest of the world has to say about it.

I can see someone who'se going to tell a story with the experiences she's about to share well-digested, not raw enough that she hopes the story she tells is unique in the love and pain offered. I hoped this was what you meant when you said Death to Bella and Edward, but to see evidence of it in your story opening is exciting.

I'm moving straight onto the next chapter now!

- From We Return Reviews.
WutNow chapter 1 . 8/11/2010
From WRR

Thank you for providing the readers with the meaning in the beginning- as a person who is often confused about fantasy words, this makes things easier for me. Thank you thank you :)

I like the mysterious way you introduced the story. You gave it an eerie feel, which always keeps me interested. However, I wish you explained what kind of power they personified. I know it is about elements, but which kind? Fire? Earth? Water? Air? Or are there other elements in this world. Overall it was very interesting :)

-Agent
TheLadyPendragon chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
I like that you seem to have done research on witchcraft, because though the topic is strewn within all sorts of fantasy fiction, I think it can be more viable when using background information. Also, I like that you're already doing a great job with starting to world-build. The mention of the four powers, the lord and lady, the elements, and even a little background info on your gray witches is intriguing. I think it builds all the necessities - how they started a bit, a bit on the religion, how their powers work, etc. You end with 'Jelixa was the first to see it,' which is a very simple statement, but it manages to pique my curiosity. I can see nothing wrong with this start, except it could be longer. But it is a brief intro, and you will expand on the witches in the following chapters, so that's not really a problem. I just like long passages and dialogue and all that jazz. xD
this wild abyss chapter 2 . 6/28/2010
From the Roadhouse:

- The first thing I notice with this chapter is your contradiction in titles. According to the drop-down menu, the chapter is called ‘part one,’ but in the chapter itself, you call it ‘part two.’ Obviously, this is the first chapter, so part one is the correct one. This sounds nitpicky and unimportant, but in the end it’s the little things that matter most.

- “She had long, red hair and blue-green eyes. An even, bronzed complexion and fierce, beautiful features.” In my opinion, these two sentences could be combined easily, and would sound much better that way.

- “"Everyone has used magick to cause harm. Everyone. Sometimes the cursed deserve it," [she answered].” I have to problems with this. First, even though Jelixa ‘spoke with her eyes’, technically there were no words for the witch to answer. Second, it’s bad practice to start off referring to someone as ‘she’ before you’ve even properly introduced that person. I understand that maybe you wouldn’t want to give the character a name, you could have a title for her that would define her more clearly to the reader.

- Okay, it’s not necessary to use the character’s name in every single sentence, but once per paragraph would be nice. I currently have no idea which ‘she’ you’re talking about. And as an author, that is not good.

- “It was never the spirit who was judged [for it] or who had acted wrongly.” I don’t understand this phrase at all. It seems like you’ve missed either an explanation or part of the sentence.

- Maybe I’m just not understanding, but it seems to me that you’ve omitted the reason Jelixa didn’t create her shield. Or if you did, it certainly wasn’t clear.

- “The typical evil witch, she did appear to be.” This sentence is really disjointed. I would reorder it so that the predicate comes first.

- “I answered this [ones] call.” There should be an apostrophe in the bracketed word, since it’s possessive.

- The way you write your verbs is really…different. It makes everything disjointed and the flow isn’t very good.

- “If I name you, you must leave/” Just a typo.

- “…demon separate from her [leaders] body…” You need an apostrophe in this word.

- “…for the sake of keeping her [conscious] clean…” This isn’t the word you think it is. You want ‘conscience’.

Okay, so you obviously have a few major issues to work through. There are a lot of typos and misspellings in this chapter, and they distract. Also, some things just don’t make sense. It’s like you’ve forgotten to add some pieces: be it the end of a word or half of an explanation. I strongly suggest looking through this and thinking about what is going to be clear to readers and what isn’t.

Having said that, the plot you have introduced here is very interesting. I have no idea where it’s going, and the lack of back-story is very annoying. But all the same Jelixa seems to be an interesting character, and I look forward to reading more. Thank you for writing this.
esthaelum chapter 2 . 6/28/2010
Hehe. I loved how you immediately told us who Jelixa was. I got a bit confused with the whole magick and spells things and I have to re-read some parts to understand. Nevertheless, I found it interesting to read.

Asmodee is a cool name, by the way. I love these names...

Anyway, not a bad chapter~ We got to find out more about Jelixa and magic. Not only that, the plot is starting to some together~ Good job! _

Roadhouse~

Repay via The Unwanted?~
esthaelum chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
I like how this prologue told us about witchcraft (a bit) and the Grey Witches, but it also had that mystery and unknown plot to it. It's enough to hook your readers into wanting to read more. I like how you didn't reveal who Jelixa (cool name by the way) was. I'm guessing she's one of the witches, right? Anyway, I'll read on~
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
From the Roadhouse:

Okay, so since this is more like an introduction/foreword, there really isn’t anything to critique, but I will try to anyways. (:

First off, your glossary, while very helpful, wasn’t really necessary. I know I sound snobby, but in published books, the epilogue never contains a list of potentially unknown terms. Authors trust that their readers are smart enough to figure it out on their own, based on the description and context you place the term in. You could have just as easily placed those explanations inside an actual chapter, and if done right, I daresay that it would have sounded amazing.

Secondly, after the glossary, you title the little introductory paragraphs as ‘chapter one’. That is obviously not your first chapter, so I think you should probably change that.

And third, your brief little prologue type deal was EXTREMELY well-written. Your vocabulary was crisp and fresh, and the last line made me want to read on. I shall do so, if you don’t mind.
Sarah A. W chapter 3 . 5/24/2010
Good Points: Personally I think part two has a more interesting story than part one. I like how you started the story of Lillis and I like how you are turning an idea into your own creative concept of magic. At first I thought this would be like any other magic fiction written by a fan of magic obviously, but it's not. It is very interesting and I think it will keep on getting better and better.

Bad Points: I found it a bit predictable. Some readers might not like predictable events, but I think that sometimes it doesn't harm the way the story is going. Sometimes a bit of prediction is good and it makes the story interesting. That is what I think from reading the third chapter.

RG- Multi-Chap Easy Fix
Sarah A. W chapter 2 . 5/24/2010
Good Points: Ordinary idea turned into a creativ fantasy story. I like how things are ending here and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. :)

Bad Points: I think the start had something missing in it. Maybe the long sentences with no characters speaking.. The structure made it seem a bit hard to reaad, but overall it got a lot more interesting as I read more. So it's really good.

RG- Multi-Chap Easy Fix
Sarah A. W chapter 1 . 5/24/2010
Good points: A glossary is very helpful to understand the idea of the story. It helps the reader to avoid confusion and it is a neat way to start a fantasy fiction.

Bad points: There aren't any so far I love the idea.

I think your story is unique and I will come back to continue reading it after my exams are over.

RG- Multi-Chap Easy Fix
sophiesix chapter 1 . 5/9/2010
For the first intro to the story, it felt to me like you started with the drabbest bits first. its not til right down the end that you get "Everything was an intense experience, and never a dull moment. It kept them in the grip of evil in their covens, an evil their intrigue blinded them to." etc, and the hook catches. Personally, i'd dump the reader into the deep end of the story first, make them feel that energy and mystery, then make them feel its absence, and hint at truth dawning, then add the definitions etc into an authors note at the bottom, for those who are interested, and so as not to scare off potential readers :)

It certainly gets more and more exciting the further you read on as it is, so fittingly, the last sentece is really awesome!
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