|Reviews for Cain|
| Black Maya chapter 1 . 8/24/2011
This was dark! (for me)
But I loved it!
Fathers are always right! (technically in a way)
I like your style So I'll be watching you! :D
| Lady Darkness Diamond chapter 1 . 4/28/2010
As a religious person I found your take on this subject interesting.
I have to say that the beginning is a bit too confusing. I think you might want to explain things a little first before jumping into the conversation, but that's just my personal opinion. Doing that would make it more interesting and keep your readers wondering what happens next and wanting more.
i.e. put the "quick history lesson" before the conversation with Luke/Lucifer. That will defintely keep your readers interested and those who might not be as inclined to read this type of story/subject will be curious as well.
Also I think your narration was very well done and I like the consistency you displayed there. The conversation jumps around a little bit which is confusing and could be tweaked a little, but overall this is pretty well done.
| fan chapter 1 . 4/25/2010
this is such a cool idea! it was very well written, you have a sarcastic and impressive way of representing the characters, and describe the fighting very well. It ended kind of quickly though. i would have liked it to be a little longer :( but great job anyways!
| InkBlade chapter 1 . 3/23/2010
"The column exploded, and I felt the flesh being seared from my body. The pistol melted in my hand, but I didn't feel the scalding metal. All my nerve endings were gone. I felt my bones melting, my whole being becoming dust. And I smiled. Dying only hurts the first time." Figured that I would start by saying that I really loved this quote. It was very descriptive and I intend to steal it to use in a poem . Other than that, I am happy that there were not too many characters used because the characters that were there could be fully developed. You have developed Cain wonderfully and more smoothly than you did Nicotorix in Blazing Heart. I really got trapped while reading this. It was very spell-like and because of the inference to the bible, captures a lot of attention. I also like the first person POV. It adds a lot of personality and since it's an adapted story, I think third person wouldn't have as emotional effect on readers. Your writing truly is improving with each release of Blazing Heart and also with this. Keep writing because you're doing great and I'm really beginning to read your stories with emotions rather than simply by text. Again, don't stop writing! You're doing great!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 3/22/2010
"My father used to tell my brother and I a bedtime story to help us sleep."
-Should be "my brother and me".
"Now have a getaway car."
-I think you meant to add an "I" in there somewhere.
"I forced him to the edge of the roof shoved him off."
-You left out "and".
"I went south of the equator. Everything gets flipped."
- XD XD XD omg that made my day!
I adored your voice and characters in this! They were just so quirky and fun to read about. Cain was solid and modern, and Lucifer was just plain hilarious.
You did a really good job with pace throughout this piece. You don't explain everything in the beginning, and instead start with BAMTHISISACTIONTIME! It worked really well, especially for an action piece of this sort. Loved all the scene-switching and little details you added to the different phases of the battle.
| Dahlia Wolffe chapter 1 . 3/21/2010
Wow! I like it! A modernized story of Cain and able. I could kinda see the LukeLucifer thing coming, but still cool. You don't catch an orignal story with good writing like this anymore. Fast paced and interesting. Can't wait for chapter two. If you get the chance, I could use some feedback on some of my new stuff. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting for more!
| Jess Megan chapter 1 . 3/21/2010
I thought it was interesting, placing such Biblical characters in the present. I also liked the fact that it was obvious who the narrator was or that this had anything to do with Adam and Eve at the beginning, it was a good draw. I also think the length of the story was perfect.
It was interesting how the characters went all over the place, though it was really hard to follow. My only suggestion really is to make it a little easier to follow, I liked the mystical element of it, but it came to be a little much.
Hope I was of some help, happy writing!