|Reviews for Somewhere, Paradise|
| MittensInSummertime chapter 1 . 4/9/2010
"I don't want to have a baby, mom. I don't want to do drugs or smoke or drink.
I don't want to be a rebel stuck with a stupid cause while the others keep walking, walking away.
Do you understand how good you have it?"
Exactly. I don't think I can really put into words how much those words strike me. Your poem reached out to me and I felt that I could relate to it on a deeply personal level. I think that's what makes the difference in poetry. You've captured that. It took my breath away.
I felt like this was an angry walk in the rain after a fight... the reflection after in a euphoria of angry adrenaline. I loved that, and again, I could relate. I also loved the flow of the last stanza to the last line...
"No, she is not John, Annie;
mother of the twisted, crying branch.
Because I am not the sage of nightmares,
the one with the rainbow coat.
am walking in the rain."
Wonderful conclusion, wonderful poem.
| Kate Marshall chapter 1 . 4/3/2010
(Thank you for the reminder, by the way. I don't think I would've checked back to the thread to see...)
[Technical Aspects] I really love the enjabment in the first and last sentences. I love the transition from focusing more on the background, the big picture to focusing specifically on the speaker. The enjabment here I thought was really effective and creative. :)
[Word choice] "Droplets [...] creating footsteps of puddles on the fresh, wet concrete." Lovely word choices! "Footsteps" is so innovative - the idea that water droplets leave behind prints, tracks. It's a little like personification, too; I like how much attention you put into this line. "Fresh, wet concrete" are especially vivid, as well. I like these word choices because they say a lot about the speaker: usually it's after the rain that anything is described as "fresh", but clearly the speaker enjoys the rain. Very descriptive!
[Enjoyment] My only complaint about the poem is that, while I enjoy reading avant garde poetry, I thought the theme was too vague. Even a little line, just a couple words could define this poem better and let the reader have more insight into the meaning. I would enjoy this poem better if I had a better understanding of it.
[Tone] However, even though the theme is so abstract, you used emotions and the tone well to convery certain points. Your pensive, somewhat angry tone compliments the images that you chose to use in this.
[Descriptions/Images] "mother of the twisted, crying branch." Gorgeous. First, I adore how you used "mother" here; the similarities between this mention of a mother and the lines before it is very profound. Nice job! Second, "twisted" and "crying" are too emotionally strong descriptions. I love the feeling in it.
A lovely read. :D
Kate, Review Game
Oh! "Crocodile hands pulled at my hair and skeleton teeth screamed for apology/forgiveness." That was my favorite line. XD I think the images and descriptions are perfect. Poignant.
| Luis Negron chapter 1 . 3/31/2010
Stunning. Your words were so powerful, they punched into my cold heart.
Excellent use of punctuation. The placement of comas and periods in your writing adds much strength.
Nothing negative to say.
| firefly114 chapter 1 . 3/31/2010
I really liked this! It's heartfelt and descriptive, and makes me want to know what the story is behind it.
I have a question about the line "no, she is not john, annie;" I'm not exactly sure what it's referring to. But besides that, I really like it! Nice work.
| Isca chapter 1 . 3/27/2010
"Why? Z." Is this supposed to be a play-on-words: wise?
"I am walking in the rain." I like the simplicity of this opening line; it's gentle and inviting.
"Footsteps of puddles." Good image. I like the idea that water droplets form footprints on the concrete - leaving some kind of 'imprint' of ourselves behind.
"I don't want to have a baby, mom." M. The tone of this line is perfect: it's both angsty and hard-hitting. This is my favourite part of the poem.
"Mother of the twisted, crying branch." I stand corrected. THIS is my favourite line. It's absolutely brilliant in its sophistication and its startling imagery. I'm impressed.
My only con-crit would be to remove the comma after the "I" at the end; it doesn't work well, IMO.
(The Review Game - Poems - Easy Fix)
| JaffaFoose chapter 1 . 3/25/2010
I think if I had to summarize this in one word it would be 'different.' I don't even begin to know how to review this. :P But here goes.
For starters, I definitely like the repitition at beginning and end. It sorta presents a feel that this girl is walking in the rain to think about her issues, but that, after thinking about her issues, she's still just walking in the rain. She can't make up her mind, maybe, so she just keeps on going. Which is a pretty haunting idea when you get right down to it.
To be honest, I found it pretty confusing. It made me think, which I appreciate, but I also feel like thinking didn't get me anywhere; I'm still slightly lost (I suppose that could be an intentional irony; confused teenager lost in the rain/confused reader lost in the words). Like, I think I have general grasp on what is going on here, but then some of the phrases just feel a bit random. "Because I am not the sage of nightmare,/the one with the rainbow coat." That, for instance; I think that's an absolutely gorgeous line - really wonderful - except that I'm not sure how it connects with anything. And "Love, maybe" just feels like it came out of nowhere, to me.
The stanza about the raindrops was exceedingly good, though. It accomplished a couple of things very well. First and foremost, it allowed us a glimpse of how your character's mind wanders from what's troubling it. Secondly, it packed some beautiful language ("I wonder if they get trapped under the smoldering grey").
"mother of the twisted, crying branch." That's fabulous. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but it made me think of the nursery rhyme - Rock-a-bye baby in the treetops, and et cetera.
You set the mood well - the opening line alone was enough to dip us into a sort of dreary little world. And you have some lovely imagery.
I don't know. On the whole, I really liked it. It was definitely thought-provoking and well written; I'm just slightly frustrated by my inability to figure it out.
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 3/22/2010
I'm not quite sure what to make of this. It seems unfocused but, as I see the narrator as a teenage girl, who's pregnant and her mother wants her to do drugs, that could be on purpose.
I liked the repetition of the line: "I am walking in the rain", as having it at both the beginning and the end opens the poem nicely, and wraps it up well, giving a sense of closure. I also like the use of the comma in the last line, after the 'I', which I thought brought out a powerful pause.
"footsteps of puddles" - I thought this phrase was somewhat awkward. It might be because of the 's' repetition, but it got caught in my teeth when I was running through the poem out loud. Didn't explain that very well, did I? I mean that it took some of the flow away from the poem, as I needed to focus harder to get the words to fit.
I liked the image of her walking on wet concrete, as it really showed me the part of her that was stuck in her current life, and that wanted to do what her mother said. I also saw the part of her that wants her own life, and I think you balanced those parts well. :)
“Do they evaporate into the air, steaming up windows from the inside out of a r-r-rocking machine of death & mostly mistaken life?” – I liked the windows bit, but found the way you stuttered on the ‘r’ off-putting. However, ‘mostly mistaken life’ is a lovely phrase, really telling so much about the character’s feelings.
“Love, maybe.” – It seemed to me to be a nice after-thought at first, but there was really nothing to link it to in the verse it was a part of. It seems to be more a part of the next verse, where love could be linked to wanting or not wanting a child?
The next verse was the best one. I could indentify it with it a lot, and could feel the character’s pain, while also seeing things from the mother’s POV. What most poets find hard is to get both characters' view points across, but you’ve done that really well here.
“No, she is not John, Annie; mother of the twisted, crying branch. Because I am not the sage of nightmares, the one with the rainbow coat.” – I didn’t really understand this verse. I feel it’s more of a personal thing with the character, which only the author can understand. While I’m all for them, there has to be some form of explanation, otherwise the reader is drawn out of the poem too close to the end.
... That came out as an awfully negative review, didn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I really like the abstractness of this poem. Kudos. :)
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 3/21/2010
I like the repetition of "I am walking in the rain." It gives the piece a sense of closure and finality, a weary and slightly mournful sort of mood. But it also seems determined somehow, as if the speaker is ready to face the world, and nothing will knock her/him down. I think you should get rid of the comma after the "I" in the last stanza, though. It feels awkward and disrupts the flow.
You have some nice imagery here. I especially like the first stanza. All of the descriptions are vivid and clear. The idea of raindrops unable to break free of the cement is an interesting one. The emotions are portrayed well.