|Reviews for Transpire|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 5 . 4/15/2010
So much suspense! I can't wait to find out what he is! Anyway, as always it was a really good chapter, and I didn't spot any glaring errors. The only problem is with Lucas; he's a bit annoying, and he is starting to get on my nerves. It's hard to tell if you want the reader to like him or not. Hm, is he some sort of god or something?
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 4/11/2010
Like I said in my first review, this is a really interesting story. The characters are really well written, and I think you've got a great balence with Lucas, showing why Kayla kind of dislikes him whilst making sure the reader actually likes him. I didn't spot any errors, or anything you could really change/improve on, it's really good as it is.
| Lunary Canary chapter 5 . 4/9/2010
Hn. I thought a few chapters ago he said he was wizard.
| Wonderfully.Mad chapter 5 . 4/9/2010
So I felt like the whole thing was kind of unorganized overall there were parts that I didn't realy get untill after the fact like where she broke her leg I was like wait why is he carrying her and I didn't realize that she had broken her leg till later
Also it seems kinda like Kayla doesn't realy care about the fact that lucas has kidnapped her I mean shouldn't she be a little more concerned
I love this story. I can't wait for more and to find out what Lucas is!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 4/6/2010
Herro there from the Roadhouse. :) Okay, firstly on the chapter itself, I don't find much of a problem here. Grammar seems fine to me albeit that part is my suckiest area in English and the whole pacing of the story seems pretty smooth here. I really like how you made things happen via a simple sequence of events. I also like the conversation between Kayla and Lucas although I think it would be much better with a bit of humour going on there. But I truly wonder if you will only do the plot via Kayla's POV. In my opinion if that's the case, then it could be rather risky because the readers won't have a first hand feel to the other characters especially the vital ones. I'm not saying it's a dumb move. But rather I think it's something that requires a certain skill. At least that's not my style. But I actually feel that if you want to, you can actually create a subtle hint on Lucas' agenda be it via his own view or Kayla's. Of course I believe that you will reveal everything in due time, but I'm actually wondering if you can do this, the readers might be hooked even more on it. Erm sorry if my CCs sound stupid here. I know they do because I'm not one to actually dish it out on a consistent basis. That plus I'm still reeling over the drama comedy called Hong Gil-Dong. I never expected to laugh so much over the first episode of a period drama.
P.S: Pay back this review via The Elven Chronicles aka that work on indefinite hiatus since I plan to update it soon. :)
- From The Roadhouse. :)
| InkedSoul chapter 2 . 4/6/2010
Again, another good chapter. Lucas seems to be getting a bit more mysterious as the story progresses (even though I've only read two chapters..) I wonder what his motive is..he's getting kind of creepy now o.O lol. Kayla seems less paranoid than a person that was just sucked into a vortex should be. Maybe you could expand on her emotions a bit and what her feelings to her surroundings and the situation is because I know I would be scared out of my mind if I were her.
That's sad, that he made her whole family forget her..I really wonder how that's possible! This is starting to seem a lot like Alice in Wonderland to me..just saying lol. Nice chapter nevertheless (:
| InkedSoul chapter 1 . 4/6/2010
Wow this is a really nice story. Humor, suspense and romance mixed together, great combo ! (;
Kayla seems like a pretty comical character, I'm curious to see more of what she's actually like. As you said she's pretty confident and control and you did a nice job of portraying that here even before you mentioned it. Ha, Lucas seems like a cute addition to the story, I'm curious to see more interaction between him and Kayla (and hopefully a bit of romance? lol) Great start, I loved it. You opened up and concluded the story very well and stated the plot straightforwardly, so it was pretty easy to follow. And there was some description but not too much to that would bore the reader to death, haha. This seems like a pretty lighthearted read !(:
Idareutoguess From the Roadhouse
P.S. I'm really clueless as to what Lucas really is..I guess I need to catch up on my fantasy/fairy tale books hehe -
| White Carnation chapter 1 . 4/5/2010
Pretty nice chapter! You have good description, and your characters have personality. I kinda expected Kayla to be a bit more surprised though, yet I understand how hard it can be to portray that. One thing though, I felt he was kinda suddenly there, like why was he not there while she was trying to sleep?
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 4/5/2010
I really like this already! It's a great start, with her thinking about the guy and then panicing about the test. It helps the reader relate to her, and helps ground it in reality before you introduce the fantasy element. Great dialogue too, especially the last line. Can't wait to see where you take this.
| ZinaStar chapter 4 . 4/2/2010
Ohh what a sexy chapter! haha
In one part you repeated a line, "Lucas leaned in towards her. His hot breath seared her skin; she greeted the warmth. His hot breath seared her skin, and she greeted the warmth." So just delete one.
To be honest the kiss felt a little bit sudden. Maybe next time build their relationship a bit more before you enter the physical aspect.
I can't wait until the next chapter! Write fast! :-P
| Lunary Canary chapter 4 . 4/2/2010
oh wait...thats not what he meant..
| Lunary Canary chapter 3 . 3/31/2010
aww...Lucas is so awesome!
And I love your descriptions! It could almost be like a book!
| Anise Cary chapter 2 . 3/29/2010
She only hoped that his only magic was to shrink himself. - Somehow I seriously doubt this. I don't think he'd be there if that was all he could do. I really like your description of Kayla here. I've felt that way before, totally nervous but trying to play it cool.
"This won't be pleasant for you if you don't cooperate," he told her, and she heard the snap of his fingers. - I'm not sure I like that he says this but then really doesn't give her a chance to change her mind and cooperate. It seems that he should say this as a warning and visibly pause for a minute to allow her to moan, shake her head, or do something to note her continued resistance.
She realized that the object that she had reached for was not very big, perhaps the size of a piece of paper, and no way could it have kept her from flying into the vortex. - this really makes me wonder what she grabbed
This time it was only Leslie in the picture, and where Kayla had once been there was only a large bit of space which was now filled with the skyscrapers just like the rest of the background. - oh wow, she's just been pulled right out of her world entirely?
His fingers caressed the place where her face had been, and soon she reappeared in the picture - he does have some interesting powers doesn't he
Now, just stay here and I will be back soon - yeah right, nice try Lucas, she's not staying anywhere you tell her too LOL
It missed not only the door, but the house. She was in the vortex once again. Shit. - why did she think he'd need to chase her when he can create the vortex out of nowhere.
this is a very interesting story
| TheLadyPendragon chapter 1 . 3/28/2010
'A smile played on the lips of Kayla Saunders lips': this sounds a bit silly. There's no need to repeat the word 'lips' twice. Also, the (s) in 'Saunders' in possessive because her lips are, well, hers, so it should read 'Kayla Saunder's lips'.
'Jordan probably was too at his own house.' This would sound better as 'Jordan, too, was probably at his own house. Mostly, what needs correction are the small grammatical and mechanical errors in your work.
However, I really love your characters. Kayla is amusing. I agreed with Lucas that this line is funny: "Yes," she pretended to think about it. "I don't see that happening in the near future. Or long-term future actually. In fact, I don't see that happening at all. Ever."
I also find Lucas, and his strange powers, to be a great hook. "But honey, I don't read the fairy tales," he paused in order to look slyly into her green eyes. "I create them." This is a great line, and a wonderful conclusion to this chapter. I personally think that Lucas is a fairy. Who better than a fairy to create fairy tales, no? Also, another term for fairies are 'the little people' and that's immediately what I thought of when Kayla said he was only three inches tall. Besides, vampires are overrated, anyway. Nice work.
| Lunary Canary chapter 2 . 3/24/2010
o_O ANOTHER vortex! these things just dont end for her!
And man...she lost her best friend! And her boyfriend! And her family! All cause of some little midget! She should've just squashed him on that pillow..