|Reviews for Persephone's Flight|
| v-n-ll-y chapter 10 . 7/3/2010
Right off the bat, Thatanos is already up to something D:
I actually quite liked the description of the contents of the wardrobe, Persephone's reaction, etc. I think it worked really well, although (in regards to your A/N) you could probably have more description, though I'm not exactly sure where.
Persephone and Hades do seem to be getting closer... although Hades does still seem to have his rather strange sense of humour xD
I liked the little interaction between the two while Persephone is still trying to fix her hair. It was sweet :)
Introducing these new deities was interesting, really. I don't know much about mythology but it's intriguing all the same. Oh I do not like Thatanos :/ He's cunning, all right, manipulating everyone at once.
Overall, it was a great chapter, and I hope you'll update soon
| darkwolf95 chapter 1 . 7/3/2010
this story was absolutly amazing and captivating the ending laves me wanting more and the discriptions were so vividthat i could see everything
| FateIsAWitch chapter 9 . 7/2/2010
Yes, Hermes would be Demeter's nephew, he's the son of Zeus and the Star Maiden Maia.
Great story btw, I really love this myth quite a bit and you've enhanced my love for it.
| Wounded-Petals chapter 1 . 7/2/2010
Coming from the Roadhouse.
I'm not one that entirely follows Greek Mythology for the reason it seems to confuse me, lol, but somehow this story caught my attention, and may teach me a little more about it than I already know.
[Hades had a request for Zeus] Very interesting beginning. Since it seems that it's highly unlikely that normally Hades would ask Zeus for something at all.
[Ever since that day in her mother's garden, he longed for her] Aww, this shows a side to Hades that I've never heard of, but being that he's the God of the underworld, I guess it makes sense to be misunderstood, lol... Let's see where he takes his infatuation.
[She surely must; he was a god after all, and he was much more loyal than his younger brother Zeus, who had borne countless numbers of children from his affairs.] Oh boy, is he telling the truth there. But who knows about the being a loyal husband.
[He would ask the Fates of her future, and then demand to be in it.] That doesn't sound too promising in itself, but if he has to have her, I guess he must, lol.
[Of course, he would have to ask Zeus' permission; it was his sister's child that he was wishing to marry. But blessing or not, he would have her. As he descended to the Underworld, he smiled.
Oh, he would have her...] This all just explains everything that I thought. He's going to try and go about things tha right way, but it's not going to turn out that way.
[Hades was the Lord of the Underworld, and nobody tried to take that away from him.] I like his thinking. It makes sense that nobody would want to take over the Underworld, but it just makes things easier for him.
["You are no mere mortal, or have you forgotten? You, Hades, are a god. You may do as you wish. Take whomever you want as yours."] And that's why he has so many children running around. If he were in present times, he'd have a shitload of child supoort to pay, lol
["Yes, but... she is the only one that I want, she is the only one that haunts me, Zeus."] Now this is ironice. It's supposed to be the other way around.
I think it's cute how at the beginning you managed to show a side of Hades that has never been shown, though, of course, it's understandable. If Zeus can fall in love multiple times, why put it past Hades. Then when you had him follow and watch 'the girl' who's name wasn't revealed right away was interesting. Then later on you introduced her as Kore, which was cool because it was neat to see how you concealed her identity until it was necessary. But somehow I knew that she was going to refuse him, or something else was going to happen. I'm just waiting to see what else happens now.
Great first chapter.
| WutNow chapter 2 . 7/2/2010
Review Buddy Round II
I thought this was a nice transition from the previous chapter. It captures my attention because the view point switched from Hades to Demeter. I was a little unsettled with what Zeus did in the end though. He gave his blessings to Hades, and all of a sudden back stabbed him. Not only Hades though, but Demeter as well. He's not really truthful now is he? In addition, he makes Hades seem like the bad guy when he did absolutely nothing wrong, except for the fact that he forced Kore to the Underworld. Overall, his intentions were pure as well [Hades I mean].
I thought you captured the scene of Demeter beautifully, and that as the harvest dies down, it represents Winter (yeah, I'm familiar with the story haha, though I am sure that you will explain how it became winter in future chapters). Hmm.. I thought the dialogue is one of your strongest qualities my friend. I didn't find anything particularly wrong with how you formatted it. I found the scenes enticing and very entertaining. I also liked how you emphasized the significance of the flower, which created a beautiful transition from the first chapter to the next.
I wish you explained some of the scenes a little more. For example, instead of saying "it smelled like the underworld" you could have elaborated the idea. Ex: It smelled of coal, dust, fire, etc.
Once again, the lack of description considering their appearance was present. I thought that you could have described what they look like a little more vividly. I could only imagine what they look like, but I want to envision the story the way YOU want me to see it, so yes, more description please :).
Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job. I wish I could add things you can tweak, but I was so focused on your characters that I don't seem to find anything wrong with it. Hmm... let me double check. Oh, one more thing!- the way Demeter mentioned Hades in the beginning seemed a little out of place for me. I mean, there were plenty of Gods she could have talked about, but him? Out of all people? I thought you needed another approach to discuss about Hades a little better. Anyway, yeah just a thought. Oh, and I was a little hesitant about how easily Demeter accepted Zeus' offer. I thought she needed a little more convincing- I mean c'mon, she spent most of her life protecting her, and to just give that up seemed a little irrational.
I'm sorry if this is all I can offer. I found absolutely nothing wrong with anything else other than little things XD. I hope you enjoyed this review! I can't wait to hear from you soon!
| WutNow chapter 1 . 7/2/2010
Howdy Review Buddy! Here from the Roadhouse
Wow, it is nice that you did some research lol. I get annoyed when people retell Greek Stories and then mess up the whole thing lol, but you stayed true (especially when he captured her part lol.). I thought the dialogue was decent, and that that you described his feelings for her clearly. I sympathize with the character Hades because he was the oldest and was the rightful King for Olympus. But since Zeus was the one who saved them, and they drew straws or something like that, he was left to take care of the underworld.
The only thing I suggest you do is describe the characters a little more (personality, physical appearance etc). Someone who has no knowledge of Greek Mythology might question their powers, their image, or their place in the hierarchy of gods and goddesses. I liked how you answered Hermes power as a messenger, but what about the rest? How about Demeter? Zeus? etc. Also, what do they look like? Someone who is familiar with the stories do not need any explanation, but those who lack the knowledge about these characters should always be taken to consideration, since you are appealing to a wide variety of audience.
Overall, thought I found the beginning a little cliche, everything developed well as I read through it. It would have been nice if you described what Olympus looked like. I mean, you did a little bit, but wouldn't it be great if you described his ascent towards it? Imagine the imagery you could have added as he walked towards the light or something lol.
The only thing that I couldn't swallow was Hades hugging is brother. I expected a little tension between them, but found myself surprise of how.. "loving" they were towards each other. It would have been nice if you describe how he [Hades] was stripped away from power, and how Zeus dominated everything else.
Now for the things you can tweak:
-...but no person seemed [to] catch his eye,
-...but they were merely flings- I'm a little troubled with the word "flings" in this chapter. Everything else seemed formal except that word, so it really stood out to me. I suggest using a different word to describe this.
-...how he desired to have a wife as [of, not as] his own,
-...May I take your daughter, Kore [add comma] to be my wife - On a side note, I liked how you revealed that it was Zeus' kid. That came to a surprise for me, and I'm not entirely sure if it is based on the myth of the greek story or not, but I liked it to be honest. It is kind of weird that they are marrying each other's children and how "normal" that idea was. (especially Zeus, who married his own sister XD).
-"No, you remain pure." He purred as he stroked her cheek again. "Have you not heard of me, Kore?" -I don't think you need another paragraph or indentation since he is still talking. Just place it in the same line and it would be much better.
Overall, everything from my point of view, seemed fine. Nice cliffhanger in the end. It would have been cool if you described their decent to Hell a little better, instead of the ground just opening up beneath them (ex: the earth rattled, the roots of the flowers began to die around them, etc?). Anyway, I hope you liked this review! I'm off to chapter two
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 9 . 6/30/2010
'Demeter noticed that he had not acknowledged her thorough his speech; she wondered why.'
Think you meant 'throughout'.
Just an FYI: there's a lot of smirking going on around here. Maybe vary the facial expressions a little?
Oh snap, Demeter is pissed. What will she do, I wonder? So much tension in this scene... I'm not surprised she broke down and cried.
I don't know why but I like how you keep going back to the flower. It ties things together, somehow.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 8 . 6/30/2010
Uh-oh. Plot twist. What's Thatanos up to? I sense conflict...
I'm terribly bad at judging when relationships are out of character or not, so I'll not stray into that subject. That was some very charming dialog in this chapter, though. I enjoyed reading it.
Persephone is so naive! It makes for some funny moments. Good job slipping them in there. They made me laugh.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 7 . 6/30/2010
'She could feel pity rolling off of her like waves, and she tried to ignore it.'
I think you're referring to two different people here, but the use of 'her' for both of them makes it confusing.
Haha, well, Aphrodite would be the gossip. I'm curious to see this council scene.
Poor Demeter... she truly looks the part of heart broken mother. :(
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 6 . 6/30/2010
I like in the opening paragraph about Apollo. Little details like that make me smile. :)
'Her feet and spirit growing weary, she paused her to rest against a tree.'
Don't think you need the second 'her'.
I like the emphasis on Greek myth stuff. Like the old crone of a bird. Fun details.
Anyways, nice and short chapter, but I liked it.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 5 . 6/30/2010
'"Aye, they do," Demeter chuckled, as she followed the man into his small home.'
You don't need a comma after 'chuckled', and since 'chuckled' is an action and not a dialog tag, the comma after 'do' should be a period.
I'm learning a bit about Greek myths as I read. I never new anything about Demeter before, haha. Again, I like how you give her the spotlight. It's just a nice twist on things. Her love of the child was nice, too, even though I understand the mother's fear.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 4 . 6/30/2010
Ah, I see about the name switch now.
I'm impressed by how you make this relationship sweet-but-not-overly-trustful at the moment because it would make sense for the relationship to take time.
Didn't spot any grammar stuff this time, so kudos.
This chapter was short and sweet. Fun stuff.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 3 . 6/30/2010
...'she said with a kick to his shin. He grimaced, muttering a curse.'
lol, the classic kick to shin. Even if it doesn't make the stranger go away, it certainly makes you feel better.
'"I love you, Persephone," he whispered, touching her hair.'
Wait- does Hades know her name is Persephone now?
Not seduction, Hades? Sexy shirt, wine, bedroom, taking off the sandals... Not seduction my ass! You sly dog!
One thing I didn't see but would've liked to: a description of the underworld. Where's the chariot passing through, exactly?
You're doing a good job of keeping the characters' personalities consistent. Kore is truly kind, and Hades is truly moody. I know I won't shut up about this subject but it's just catching my attention because it's with gods and all, haha.
I was 'awwing' throughout the chapter. I have to learn to put my romance critic to the side when reading romance stories. It makes them so much more enjoyable. Anyways, the last scene was pretty sweet. Even though it was in a bedroom, technically, Kore's innocence made it cute.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 2 . 6/30/2010
'"That is exactly why I have kept her on my Island, Zeus! To keep her away from men and gods that want to claim her as her own. I don't want her to give up her purity to the first person that smiles at her," Demeter yelled.'
I think you mean 'claim her as his own'.
'Even from Hera's jealously?'
'Jealousy' not 'jealously'.
Oh! We get to see Demeter's side of the story! That's a pleasant surprise, and certainly not what I expected. I like when the mother gets the spotlight. Usually they're so overlooked, you know? I like her headstrong nature. Also, I like how you showed Zeus's remorse. They're gods, but you make them human enough for me to feel for them.
Also liked how you used the flower from the last chapter to clue Demeter in. Geez, I feel really sorry for her now. Poor Demeter and poor wilted crops. :(
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 6/30/2010
'"How do you know me?" she asked, after she considered his statement, and decided that he was a truthful man.'
The phrase after 'asked' should be a different sentence.
'And the earth split into two pieces, consuming them, leaving only the withered flower as evidence of their presence there.'
First off, lovely last line. However, I think it would be better if you left off the 'there' at the end because it simply isn't needed. Also, I almost feel as if the comma after 'them' could better be replaced with an 'and'... Sorry if I'm getting all picky. It was just a really neat sentence and it caught my eye. XD
I think you capture the otherworldly aspect of the myth pretty well. I'm not big on Greek myths or anything, but the scene with Zeus and Hades struck me as godly and myth-like. The one thing I might suggest about that scene is to give it a little more action along with the dialog. You handle that really well in the last scene with Kore and Hades, but some spicing up of the scene with Zeus and Hades wouldn't hurt.
I'm interested to see how you handle the personalities of these characters that are, after all, centuries old. It must be hard working with gods. So far, you've covered the basics of the myth, but I'm interested to know how you plan on arranging the details.
Normally, I don't go for romance, but a godly, partially unwilling relationship is sure to have a few twists. The last scene was cute (well, until the kidnapping part, but that's a given). Overall, I enjoyed it and plan on reading more. :)