|Reviews for A Short Story Discovered|
| Narq chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
This is interesting, would be nice to see it developed more, I felt.
It was mostly good stuff, but there was this one sentence which I thought you could've fleshed out more.
"the frail looking woman had little money to spend on these overpriced fabrics, she learned."
- firstly, the 'frail looking', you could've showed rather than told like that. You could've described her hands while she examines the materials (colour/skin-saggy?/how her shoulders cave in/ ect), secondly, even the 'little money' could be elaborated, let's say she has pennies/gold (this could provide hints about the society) and how she holds them.
Again, this does have potential, so you be glad to see you work on this ;)
| silver112 chapter 1 . 7/25/2010
lol it makes me laugh that it just stopped, but i was intrigued! I want to know what happens.. :) to me, it sounds like she was about to steal some of the fabric for herself.. I'd be interested in seeing where this goes :D
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
Hey this was really good, I really hope you do continue it.
It showed no mercy to any living thing as it whistled recklessly though the street.
-for some reason, I wouldn't associate 'whistle' with 'reckless' or mercilessness, but I can see what kind of image you're trying to create.
I hope you name this girl, I think I sense the possibility of readers relating to her. :)
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/25/2010
The opening has nice descriptions but has of its sentences starting with ‘it’, which is a little monotonous.
I love the sentences sitting out by themselves, they give a really good feel for the womens/narrators character, make her feel like a real person.
I felt the word choice of fabric was a bit too clinical too?
"For the last time! 25 pieces," she said, raising her price slightly. I think the ‘raising her price slightly’ is redundant, because the reader understands that from the dialogue?
I love the armosphere you’ve built here, the blustery cold, the warm, desired things on display… it peaks my interest! Does she figure out a way to share the blanket with the woman, does she steal another…?
| Charel Lebl chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Very interesting...not much to comment on, but the descriptions were good! Even in this tiny chapter it already makes you very curious about the girl, who she is, and why she's there. Lol, I find old stories of mine all the time...they're usually pretty bad. :P So overall, very interesting...nice descriptions, and it makes the reader curious to know more. It was fun to read. :)
| name redacted chapter 1 . 4/6/2010
This is well written. It just doesn't seem to know where it's going. Good expositionary material (and great mood) but the characters have ultimately yet to be established. Can't wait to see where you take this. It has a lot of potential.