|Reviews for Hailstorm|
| michelle chapter 17 . 10/22/2010
Wow! That was an amazing chapter! Loved the bit with taras remembering his past, and will ruin be able to save him! And zhanna! Can't wait for more!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/21/2010
First, apologies for the lateness of the return.
I went in and saw the blood... up the stairs... the walls...
-Style: is there a reason that these italics aren't centered like the rest?
There were several things I liked about this opening. I liked your ability to hint at things to come, like you mention in your author's note, you have a lot of things that you can build on and use as successful foreshadow. I definitley did get a sense of that, and a want to continue reading just to see what will happen to Hail next. Nothing like a good prison scene opening and escape to get a story going ;) I liked that a woman, Vetra, came in and busted his ass out of jail, haha, but it's too bad she was sacrificed for the cause, I actually didn't expect that. Hail doesn't seem to worried about it in the end, which was a little unnerving, but he was able to really switch gears quickly from crying in a prison cell to confidently shaking the hand of what must be a princess? I'm not sure because the woman didn't put her title in front of her name. But at any rate, you've definitley got a strong start and I look forward to an opportunity to continue!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 15 . 10/19/2010
The kings metaphor was used really well here, and you carried it well throughout the chapter so well done on that. I liked the way you used it too; especially at the end with [a fallen king crying at the feet of his true master]. Very cleverly done. The switch between the 'good' guys and the villian flows well, and here you really get a strong feel of their power - it was placed well too, and I like how we have an inkling of their plans so, overall a good chapter. Didn't spot any grammer errors either.
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 10 . 10/19/2010
Damn such family sorrow between Zhanna and her father.. its so powerful, I'm happy you put that together very well. You did a great job :) Also in general terms, the chapter was really sad, yet so interesting which draws me into their world, sweetness..
| Aspiemor chapter 17 . 10/17/2010
I don't know why you don't consider yourself the better writer, because this chapter was awesome! I could feel the tense moments and the sandwich part made me want one. Apparently We both agree on bald is intimidating as we have bald characters in that role. Talk about speedy pregnancy. That chemical really is a kick. Sort of like steroids, in a sense.
My hats off to you. Then again it probably isn't skill but different styles, that and you are more active on the forums than me. Well either way I think you are a good writer. I'm not trying to put myself down btw.
Still it's hard to believe how modern this world has become. I wonder if my fantasy world would ever evolve in such a way?
| michelle chapter 16 . 10/17/2010
It was great! Dramatic, vetra!/! Well done, amazing writing as always, will read chapter 17 tomorrow. X
| seredemia chapter 16 . 10/17/2010
I liked Micah's part in the chapter. I found it really saddening that people would experiment on wild animals like that. How... morbid. Ruin's scares me sometimes, lol. She's just so... I dunno. It's like she's awaiting for the end of the world or something, like she doesn't care and is only there to watch the destruction and, well, ruin..? I think I'm rambling now... Ooh... Those lizards... such a poor end to them.
| Stardrag chapter 4 . 10/17/2010
Oh man did I love that ending! If I get time after paying back all these reviews, then I'll read some more today! If you ever finish this and make it into an actual book, then I'd buy it just to say I have it. Besides me rambling on about how awesome it was, I was surprised that Neroven also increased strength. I thought it was only a regeneration drug. Guess its all part of the package. The scene before the end was nicely played out and served as a cool background to the short bursts of conversation. It'd be awkward if you had allot of dialogue at a time like that!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 14 . 10/14/2010
I really liked that chapter but then again, I'm a big fan of character development. I like the format of it, the way you shift from different character to different character, and you show their emotional turmoil quite well in the way they interact with others as well as their sort of internal feelings/thoughts. As to what actually happens, wow, that was a really blunt way to tell Hail, poor guy. And Ruin really doesn't care for any of that bull, does she? Ruin is a great character, and I think you give her just the right amount of 'screen-time', so to speak. Good work, as always.
| Aspiemor chapter 16 . 10/14/2010
Wow the action scene was intense. I got a clear picture in my head at what was happening. The whole chemical's fighting back interested me. As I said I got an image liek a geyser or something out of the body. Emotional and thought wise I could understand how he felt and such. Feeling a bit of torn identity from him. Is he human? Or like them? Makes you wonder what we are like on the inside. That is if Nervan was involved.
This is an incredible story. No wonder you are more popular than myself.
| Stardrag chapter 3 . 10/9/2010
Oh, this story has definitely grown on me man. The chapter was a nice length, with new info on the wilders. Racism is just a part of life I suppose, something different is always shunned for at first by "normal" people. Happy your main characters are different though, I liked Hail's last words at the end, and now I need to know if Micah (nice name) is married or just related to Vetra! Oh, did they ever get Fenris after the crash? Anyways, I like the change you're going to make next chapter, but it would have been more of a surprise of you hadn't told us, lol!
Problems and Errors:
hastening his bodies natural healing-change bodies to body's
Wasn't so sure about where the two were talking when they fell. I think it was on the sheet of metal Hail was on, right?
he saw the top quarter of the signal tower had been blown clean off by the bomb-might need "that" between saw and the.
But assistance was the last thing on these peoples minds-etierh rewrite these peoples as their...if not, at least change peoples to people's.
these peoples prejudice-change peoples to people's
Abruptly, those who had been stood up began to walk towards him-two ways to change this. 1-take out been. 2-Abruptly, those who were standing began to walk towards him.
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/7/2010
Okay, so I finally get to the real chapter and I'm still into this, though certain parts feal a little off. For one, why would Senthus allow them to almost reach the top? I mean, if you could, wouldn't you stop them before they came close to it? I like the sword, which anime has made me love all the time, but I didnt get why she gave it to him. She hardly kows him, but is handing over something precious. Lmao, I do agree that religion mixed with governments don't usually work out to well, which makes me wonder what this paragon is like. The scene where Senthus took out a cellphone while wearing robes seemed kind of funny to me, not funny as in bad story telling, but as a mixture of old and new. That ending made me think of the prologue in a way, with Hail faling off of stuff, which never gets old, especially when you compare it to something shattering like that.
Story wise, you've manage to show off something while still making the reader want more, like when you reveal something about that incident which occured a while back, but still keep things burried. Oh, and the woman in your story are awesome.
Problems and Errors:
"The Namé Wolves? You come from up north then?"
"Yes... you've heard of the mining town then?"-these felt a little awkward to read.
His questions was swiftly answered.-replace was with were
thrum of signal-put an "a" between of and signal
Fenris...baed on the norse being Fenrir? Lmao, you make me remember Ffinal Fantasy all the time now! Make sure you have a good reason why someone is still using a sword in an age this advanced. I just noticed that you and Ragna...Bloodedge now, used that name...he changes his name all the time, lol.
| Stardrag chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
OMFG, that does feel a little like FF when I think about it. The one with the train scene, right? I think it was seven and thirteen!
Anyways, I have to say that you gave a strong voice toward Hail's past during this chapter. I usually don't like it when something has been said, then said over and over again, but the sentences between them made me think of him and his mindset. Lmao, I like the last line about mercs, though I doubt they're dragged against their will, it was still pretty cool dude. My favorite thing has to be the fact that somehting, I mean, someone or a group of people are called "Wilders". It just ozes epicness, and Hail's biology of course, lol. So this is Sci-Fi, right? Are you focussing more on psychology or techno-babble stuff?
Problems and Errors:
or so the Warden's said-change Warden's to Warden.
A pawn in the governments sick little game-change governments to government's
Watcher's to be precise- replace Watcher's with Watcher
He followed her eyes, looking down at his chest. Blood was seeping out from a wound in his chest-the sentence is cool, it's just that you restate the world, chest the same way, feels weird, but I'm not sure...didn't really stop the flow of the story too much for me.
captured by the Watcher's because of him.-change Watcher's to Watchers
| allegro rao chapter 9 . 10/5/2010
I don't know what to say. Compared to what I remember of the works you've done previously that was rather dark and intense. Doesn't make it bad in fact it only shows the serious tone your story is taking though for me felt out of place by comparison with the rest of the story thus far but not by much. It was good to have a chapter devoted to Taras and Meredith as Taras is probably one of my favorite characters and Meredith is still interesting.
As usual your descriptions and characterisations were spot on and felt like a pretty grim way to end that little 'Night of Flames' Story arc
-Abhi via the roadhouse
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 9 . 10/4/2010
The characters come together very nicely and your plot thickens :) I hope Meredith will be okay. Great job