|Reviews for Hailstorm|
| Revamp chapter 9 . 3/7/2013
I like the tragic backstory to Meredith, and part of me hopes she survived. Ruin is becoming more and more interesting as well. I wonder why she chose Taras to live through her fire. This chapter was tragic and exciting.
| Revamp chapter 8 . 3/7/2013
As you have said, Taras and Meredith need more characterization but since I'll be getting it I have no qualms. Zhanna and Hail's advancement in relationship was predictable but nice. I look forward to knowing more about Ruin as well.
| Revamp chapter 7 . 3/7/2013
I'm back to reviewing again. I was sick for a while, bedridden with an infection so I hadn't been able to review. I liked the background information on the Myth and Faith. I also enjoyed the clarification on Vetra, Micha's backstory, and that last bit about Hail and his involvment with Leo's murder. Great job, as always.
| Revamp chapter 6 . 1/31/2013
Another great chapter. I'm curious about the science institute's experiments on the lizards and if there are more animals affected. I'm interested in the fate of Taras and our heros as well?
| Revamp chapter 5 . 1/31/2013
Another gripping chapter. I like the twist on Hail's character and the scene with the man covered in blood. This story keep getting better and better.
| Revamp chapter 4 . 1/30/2013
This chapter was exciting and action packed. I like Taras character and I am interesred in the girl with the phoenix markings, who sheis and the role she'll play.
| Revamp chapter 3 . 1/30/2013
I think that you were able to accomplish your goal in making the chapter a basic summary and feelings of the cast as well as the introduction of a new character. I like how you tied everything together.
| Revamp chapter 2 . 1/23/2013
Giving you another much needed review. I love the action in this chapter. I found myself on the edge of my seat with Hail and Zhanna's adventure. I love the twists and the slow unearthing of pieces of his past. Great work on this chapter.
| Revamp chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
I am finally getting around to giving people proper reviews now that I have time to do so. This is Melissa Norvell on her alternate account. This story is very enthralling and it really pulls you in. I love the characters and the questions that you bring up throughout the chapter. It's a nice way to pull the reader into wanting more of this marvelous piece. Your description is impeccable as well. I look forward to reading another chapter of this wonderful work. Definitely going to my favorites.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 6/13/2011
I remember quite awhile ago reading your Time of Kings story and highly enjoying it. After quite a long hiatus, I recently came back to fictionpress and saw you posting on the Roadhouse, so I decided to see if you've written anything new. I'm glad I did because this story shows some great promise. I can definitely see the Final Fantasy-esque relation in this chapter - I'm actually a FF fan myself. - This reminds me of the beginning of FFVII. Very cool. :D
I've always loved the way you describe things. Each word you type contributes to the appearance of the world you've created. You add just enough information to keep me informed, yet not so much to make my attention wander (I have a bad habit of zoning out while reading sometimes :(). I also liked the line of texts you incorporated randomly into the piece which reflects on the paragraphs of the third-person narration. It's interesting because it makes it feel like whoever is speaking in those italicized lines is telling the story. I thought is was creative, and a good way to address the reader without breaking the fourth wall.
So Hail is a super soldier, huh? I've always been a fan of those kinds of characters. They always feel like superheros, and I love me some superheros. -
The ending was great! Heh, I am beginning to wonder if the name 'Hail' is kinda a play on the name 'Cloud'. -.
You leave the reader with just enough questions to keep them coming back for more - and one hell of a cliff hanger, too! This is definitely something I will have to keep following. :3
| Kobra Kid chapter 22 . 5/25/2011
Oh wow. This whole chapter was written beautifully. I felt an attachment to each character that was suffering through this chapter.
Micah, for finally seeing his beloved wife after what felt like eternity.
Vetra, for reuniting with her loved one after so many traumatic events.
Hail, for not wanting to leave Ruin's side even when she demanded him to.
But most importantly, Ruin. For the first time in a long time, she felt HUMAN, but she had to sacrifice herself to defeat Nemesis and save the world. :(
It's all so very sad, but you wrote it all perfectly. Seriously, how do you do it? I felt emotionally attached to each character. Meh, unless I'm just being too overdramatic while listening to "That Time Of The Year" by the Sick Puppies. x)
Anyways, wonderful work as always! The way you described everything was simply magnificient :)
P.S. I just updated RFTA (I know, took forever, right?) Could you please review that? Thanks! :D
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 13 . 5/22/2011
Here to repay ya for the reading..
This chapter was full of angst and drama. I feel sorry for Zhanna with the stuff she's going through. Ths was very good chapter and I look forward to reading more of this and your upcoming stories.
| Mi.Ishi chapter 1 . 5/19/2011
Returning a review I owe, oh teller of the future, present and past.
So, you are a pretty strong writer! I kinda guessed it from your maturity on the forum, but you can never be too sure until you actually read something, you know?
But because I am known to be more constructive than complimentary, I'm just going to go for it...
Firstly, the italicized bits should either be taken out, or much better incorporated into the chapter. As it is, it breaks up the flow, doesn't seem necessary, and is actually more confusing than helpful. Which COULD be alright, given that this is the first chapter and you want to hook the reader. But it definitely needs improvement. Firstly, I would connect it better to the action; as it stands, it's much too disconnected from what's going on, so the reading of it follows that way too. He's going nuts, so there has to be a hint of insanity, but not to the degree you've put it, especially with such little information and context that comes along with the dreaded INTRODUCTION.
I also find that although you are very skilled at descriptive writing, you are becoming a little redundant. Clean up what's going on, and don't overly dramatize. The scene will speak for itself! Don't force Hail, and all the excruciating things he has to go through. He will be able to communicate it better than you can, so let his character act through you. Make it all hit a little closer to home. ALSO, simplify the description a bit. You're, what, eighteen? You're using stuff I'd need a dictionary for. Which is NOT a bad thing, but because it's a little over the top, it feels like you're using a thesaurus all the time. I don't get the feeling Hail is one to use words like cloister, and vociferous?
A couple of little typos, with grammar and punctuation, but if you read it slowly aloud after you've spent some time away from the story you'll probably be able to find them all pretty easily. If not, let me know, I can point them out for you another time.
Lastly...why on earth did that girl decide to save him? What's her motive? As it stands, it makes absolutely no sense. You have to have her say something more to him than just "find him" for Hail to start getting answers. Like, what is the point of a Wilder, choosing a random guy, and forcing him to "find" some other random guy, when she supposedly knows nothing about Hail? It truly does not make sense at all, so you have to give us just a little bit more than that. Perhaps a memory of her from his past, or the name of the guy he's supposed to find?
Anyway, I think that is all. I hope that satisfied your one review request. Thanks again for the reading!
-Shay (your humble RH mod!)
| Superslow Jellyfish chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
Here's the payback for the Celtic Cross. It happened a bit later than I had anticipated, but nonetheless, I give you my review:
"Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall."-Awesome opener. I almost want to jack this line from you and hold it hostage, but I don't do those sorts of things. I can tell by this chapter alone that it's going to be the struggle between good and evil and the evil being high powered, while the virtuous possessing misfortune. As always! Though this chapter gives it some other, sinister meaning. I've never played FF games. I've wanted to since forever, but I'm a Nintendo Girl, and have been one my whole life.
I don't know what to make of Hail, this mercenary. I'm expecting him to be this badass if the princess, of all people, hired him.
I enjoyed the character of Vetra. She's very street-smart and sort of reminds me of myself with the directional bit. Its like that for me, too, since I think like a compass when navigating in a car. I guess that's why that scene stuck out so much for me in my head. They give her a realistic quality. I predict she and Hail will have this friendship going on, judging by his admiration of her already.
I love the irony you induce here. Imperial Athena, Nemesis. Those are all part of the Greek Mythology system. And this is irony at it's finest, to add, since Greece was the starting point of a democratic society, and yet, these folks are totalitarian, with their technology and the way they act. Most specifically:
"You can come quietly, or you can force us to have an accident."- I can easily imagine the Warden here saying this so coolly and rigidly. That also stuck out for me amidst all this tension.
I'm loving the vivid words and imagery you've created here and after I stop procrastinating on returning reviews, I'd love to check this out for the second chapter and more!
| Whirlymerle chapter 1 . 5/14/2011
Lovely opening! The “shivering in the darkness, desperate for revenge” definitely fortified the ideas of pain and rage, I think.
[governments sick little game] Government’s.
Your writing is superb. The descriptions of the Warren, the caverns, and Hail’s vengeful emotions create such vivid imagery, without overdoing it.
[eclipse like circles round his eyes] Rather than just saying “dark circles” you made this all the more dramatic.
[And the irony was, we were all mercenaries. Fate's warriors, dragged on against our own will.] What a truly ironic (in the archetypal sense) line. Well, I hope his worldview becomes more romantic later on. But either way, I think that sets up Hail’s character, as of right now, for a lot of growth.
Of course, I’m wondering all the things you’ve put in your Author’s Note, so I won’t go into that. But anyway, great beginning! I think the tone remained hauntingly hollow and melancholy for the duration of the chapter, which is a pitch perfect mood for the story.