Reviews for The Orphan and the Prince
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 10 . 8/5/2010
Who did/said what is much clearer here.
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 9 . 5/16/2010
Yes, it's still not as clear as it could be. People nod, gesture extravagantly, frown, sigh and gasp in places 'said' would be explicit. Sometimes these actions occur at the end of another character's speech, sometimes in the middle.

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," he said, looking down at the portrait still in his hands. He ran a finger over his mother's face and said,

"After my mother died, it became difficult for me to even leave my room. My father is highly over-protective, and he feared for my life. He was convinced that the assassins who killed my mother were meant to kill me, the heir, so he shut me up in my rooms, and made sure nothing could happen to me. It took him months to let me leave my wing of the castle. Finally, he let me go as far as outside, but no further. I was always accompanied by someone, and I felt restrained, and captive. So I left," he sigh, and closed his eyes briefly, before looking at the floor.

You could pull these two paragraphs together: -"It's not all it's cracked up to be," he said, looking down at the portrait still in his hands. He ran a finger over his mother's face and said, "After my mother died, it became difficult for me to even leave my room. My father is highly over-protective, and he feared for my life. He was convinced that the assassins who killed my mother were meant to kill me, the heir, so he shut me up in my rooms, and made sure nothing could happen to me. It took him months to let me leave my wing of the castle. Finally, he let me go as far as outside, but no further. I was always accompanied by someone, and I felt restrained, and captive. So I left," he sigh, and closed his eyes briefly, before looking at the floor.-

And go on here to Juliet: Juliet saw the pain in his furrowed eyebrows, and the tears rising in his golden brown eyes. She put a gentle hand on his shoulder, and said softly,"I'm sorry about your mother. I remember her; she was an amazing lady. Everyone loved her," Put a period after her, which will leave you space to make it clear whose tear lands on the portrait G is holding.

The reader knows only what you write down about the story. Step back from your work and read it as if it had been written by a stranger. Ignore what you know and look at what you've put down. Are the actions clear? Are the characters consistent with their given history?
Barbie Hall chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
Great story! X]
Lynn K. Hollander chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
"You will rule this land one day, son, and you will watch it thrive under your ruling hand, as I have, and as your forefathers have. I have faith in you, Gregory, as would your mother, were she here," Gregory looked up to his father **Who is speaking here? It sounds as if it might be G's father, but the punctuation you use assigns it to G himself.

To make it easier for the reader to figure out what is happening, try putting only ONE character's words and actions in a paragraph. Start a new paragraph with each change of actor/speaker/character. The VERY confusing non-standard series of paragraphs a little further along - "So I am. It's alright, I'll go clean up after I get this one back into its paddock," she pulled the calf up with her and set off, Juliet following behind her,

"That was some feat you did back there. Wrestling a cow, that's not a woman's job, but you do it mighty well," Urika grinned,

"Practice, Jule. You should get outta them skirts and try it one day, hey?" Juliet looked horrified,

"Me? Oh, no, I couldn't!" Urika laughed,

-more correctly and much easier to grasp, it goes like this: "So I am. It's alright, I'll go clean up after I get this one back into its paddock," she pulled the calf up with her and set off, Juliet following behind her, **The she speaking and acting here is apparently not Juliet, since J is following her. That means Urika must be the speaker. Put a period after 'Juliet following behind her' and start a new paragraph:

"That was some feat you did back there. Wrestling a cow, that's not a woman's job, but you do it mighty well," Juliet said.

Urika grinned, "Practice, Jule. You should get outta them skirts and try it one day, hey?"

Juliet looked horrified, "Me? Oh, no, I couldn't!"

Urika laughed, "Just kidding, Jule, I know you hate getting dirty. ..." and so forth. Notice how easy it is to tell who is speaking what.

Do not sacrifice clarity for style. Make it clear to the reader who is speaking or acting. 'Said' is a useful and neutral verb. Use it, not the 'grinned', 'laughed' and 'she pulled the calf up with her and set off, Juliet following behind her' you make the reader deal with here, none of which involve the character actually saying anything. Remember, good dialogue doesn't need stage directions.
Mr. Random17 chapter 8 . 5/4/2010
AH! Was my reaction to when you used my line! And yes, I am looking at you like that. Hey, I'm famous now. Heehee. Dude, that was probably your best chapter yet. Really liked it. Well written. You have that annoying habit that Richelle Mead has of finishing chapters with a cliff hanger! But cool man.
Mr. Random17 chapter 5 . 4/18/2010
That is a very low blow. Hurry up! I want to know more! )
seredemia chapter 1 . 4/18/2010
It was a short start, but I really enjoyed reading it! The start with the prince/king was really interesting to read. Your characters are great to reab about, they all look like they would grow into great characters in the future. Im also very keen on the plot because I adore any story with princes on it! The ending was great too! Keep writing!
4-eva-bookworm chapter 3 . 4/12/2010
loved it! Please write more, I was thinking that maybe you should- just maybe- try and publish this, so far it's really good
Mr Random chapter 3 . 4/8/2010
I just have to; does Urika have something to do with shampoo? Soz, couldn't resist.)

Still your biggest fan. Good chapter. I like it. Oh, Maryanne. I don't like her.)
Mr Random chapter 2 . 4/6/2010
Well over all it was poorly done...

Kidding, kidding.

It is very good, though why is she wearing shorts? It just confused me. You're really good at writing. A rising star.

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!

! Though i might be biast.)

Good job. I want to know more!