Reviews for Freedom
Isca chapter 1 . 5/18/2010
OTHER: I would say that, to improve the piece, you may want to consider using a higher diction level. While the simple language does add to the serene ambiance of the piece, you should throw in a few 'striking' words to make the piece more 'angsty.' I did, however, like the contrast between the colour and the black and white imagery in the piece-it made me believe that the speaker has trouble deciding how to view the world sometimes (and that's intriguing).

DESCRIPTIONS: My favourite line from the piece is "Salty air licking at old wounds" because it contains such relatability and anxiety. I also like the line "As the body rushes down" for its keen phrasing and vibrancy.

TONE: I love the line, "The high cliff is just high enough

to fly away from the world," because of its angsty tone. The IMAGERY in this line is very vivid-the 'high cliff' symbolizing the speaker's desire to 'ascend' above her pain.

WORD PLAY: I like the swirling/whirling internal rhyming in the second stanza-it definitely acts as a nice transition from the wave imagery to the dream imagery (and reminds me of the mystical idea that water is the element used to seek other states of consciousness). I like the 'w' alliteration in the last stanza-it ties the piece together.

[The Review Game - Poems - Depth]
AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 5/12/2010
Hello RavenclawMoose. :)

I really liked this poem a lot for several reasons... The first being how you made the poem so open, so anybody can put themselves in the character's shoes. I also liked how you compared all of the hopes and dreams as colorful, and then in the last stanza said that the person was black and white, devoid of color. So, it's like the person has lost all of their dreams. It paints a really lovely picture in my mind.

The only things that I didn't like about this poem was the structure. The lines in the second stanza seemed like they run-on sentences. I think that if you added some punctuation, it would help that problem out. I also think that a few words could be changed around, so it would make the poem flow better.

An example would be:

"Every good thing freed of the" should be "Every good thing freed by the"

And, "Spread across the world and" should be "Spread across the world as"

Hopefully this review helps you out and meets the requirements.

AvidWriter-92
Manifest-Destiny-x X chapter 1 . 5/12/2010
Your words paint such a beautiful picture in my mind, the first line especially. I love the the juxtaposition of color vs. black and white that you explore throughout. You have masterfully conveyed a very powerful message!
sealednectar chapter 1 . 4/5/2010
A powerful, beautifully written poem.

Good work.