|Reviews for Saguaro|
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 5/11/2010
The first two lines really drew me in and it gave me a nice image. I like the feeling I gor from reading this.
Carrion, carry me on.-I love hot that sounds.
I'm not bleeding this time, I'm not watering the works- Clever.
I enjoyed reading this. (:
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 4/12/2010
The rhythm and sounds of this really make it feel like a song to me the whirlwind of allusion and voices is dizzying, alternately drawing you into the narrative and chucking you out into a parallel narrative from the bible to the Beatles, from preschool songs to Streetcar. you play around with cause and victimisation too, what with the 'I’ll be your ruin' and 'you're the one aiming the gun at my head/ you brought me to your two-by-four heaven', and that’s an interaction that’s never resolved, which gives the relationship greater realism, I think. Certainly the intensity of the emotion is grippingly realistic, and the feeling of emotional wilderness and loss very well done. as for 'the carrion, carry me on' line? It immediately caught my attention which it rhythmic qualities and hard alliteration, but it left me finally unsatisfied because of the conflicting images it provoked: carrion, because of its advanced state of decomposition, surely can’t ‘do’ anything? Unless you meant in the sense of nourishing you, letting you carry on, (reinforced by the potential allusion to a vulture flying in the next lines) but then ‘carry’ doesn’t seem to be the best word to connote that, and without carry you lose the power of the line. Maybe if the next line resolved the meaning of ‘carry’ better, I would have liked the line more, or maybe you intended for it to be so conflicting and unresolved?
Overall, I enjoyed this piece, and as all good poetry is meant to do, it made my brain hurt :)
| Manifest-Destiny-x X chapter 1 . 4/10/2010
I loved "I'm dying. / I'm dying.I'm crying, / I'm crying." I felt that the repetition brought a certain build-up of emotion to the poem. You have a lot of really clever word choice like "Carrion, carry me on." It really gives the whole piece an air of colloquial sophistication. In "I said I'm sorry Soul Sister. I said I love you. (Do you miss her?)" that "(Do you miss her?)" would have been given its own line, but other than that, I can't really criticize this piece. :)
| Kackex chapter 1 . 4/8/2010
Dark, romantic and angsty the average teenagers taste. Just kidding, nice narrative and average imagery.
Keep writing, and good luck in the WCC!
Would you kindly,
| xenolith chapter 1 . 4/8/2010
Well, I think I get the gist of this, but only after reading through a couple times. I like the repition of the hole in the chest, it's so hot our here, and the idea of being left for dead in the middle of the desert.
I thought the beginning was pretty strong, actually. It's a creepy, desolate image, and with the 'I want to fly and feast on the dead' made me think of a delerium which is carried on nicely throught the rest of the poem. Now, I'm probably being too literal, but that's just how it resonated with me!
I really liked this part:
'Can you see me,
Coz it's not just metaphorical, this person's heart has been ripped out of their chest, and I get the sense that the object of affection just doesn't give a shit. I also liked:
'I am the pinnacle of nothing.'
Just because it's awesome. Nice take on the promt, good luck for the WCC!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 4/8/2010
"Carrion, carry me on."
I don't know why, but I found that line particularly clever. XD
I loved the quirky rhythm of this poem. It gave the story flavor, and the use of names (Daisy Fay, Blanche, Wild West, etc.) struck me as unique.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Isca chapter 1 . 4/7/2010
"Carrion, carry me on." Nice wordplay. I like the idea that death can actually help someone "carry on." That's profound!
"I said I'm sorry Soul Sister." The s-sound alliteration here is absolutely terrifying (and I mean that in a good way!). It reminded me of something someone would say to someone they trusted, right before that person betrayed them (or in this case, shot them).
"Chick-a-Dee." -Smiles- A pun on your name! Love it.
"I'm not watering the works." This is by far my favourite line from the piece; the phrasing here is perfect! You took something cliche and made it your own. :)
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/7/2010
XD, so after reading CyneNoir's review I have to say that I disagree with them-I think your beginning was actually a little weak, just because it came off a little too cliche with a desperate "woe-is-me" emo image-not the very first line, but more so the "I'm on my knees in the middle of the desert."
But I LOVED the line "Carrion, carry me on." so you had me right back into the poem and that really captured my interest. The pun worked great for me and was more unique than the beginning. Now I also enjoyed the different types of tones because I feel like it adds to the theme of wilderness, to have formality but still have "I've been telling you, babe." to really mess with the reader's perception and throw them into a state of losing sense of the narrative voice. It isn't obvious, but very subtle.
Also loved the "Hey! Stella!" moment-for those that get the reference, that's a very passionate image of Stella coming down the stairs and everything. I enjoyed the different allusions and was very impressed with this-it had an aire of the experimental in regard's to the speaker's voice and tone. The last line was also strong. Very impressed!
Best of luck in the WCC!
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 4/7/2010
The poem has a decent start to it. The tone of the speaker is blunt and to the point, which appeals to me. It's also somewhat morbid, in an interesting sort of way.
First thing that I sort of noticed in this was "Carrion, carry me on." That didn't particularly appeal to me. I get that it's supposed to be a pun, but it just feels out of place and sounds awkward. It disturbs the flow of the piece. It's the same thing with "Soul Sister" and the repeated but slightly altered line "I have been telling you, babe." Neither of them sound like they belong where they are. I think you'd be better off getting rid of the "I have been telling you" entirely, and if you do keep it, change it to "I've." I don't know if you made it "I have" because you wanted it to be different, it was some sort of allusion, or some other reason, but it doesn't really fit.