|Reviews for One Big Mess|
| D. M. Gotmen chapter 2 . 12/20/2012
Samantha heart Hayden! :")
Please update soon! :D
| I am Sadie Eye of Isis chapter 2 . 9/9/2011
Gosh, you have so many reviews *drowns in them all*
Thanks for writing all of your amazing stories
I saw only minor typos, and most of your viewers pointed them out to you
WRITE WRITE WRITE
| kaymonkeygirl chapter 2 . 8/12/2011
Like this story sounds really interesting, you should continue:)
| StoryMonster chapter 2 . 3/1/2011
Gay Best Friend!
Awesome. Gay people are funny and cool. And the shopkeeper scene - he he.
'Well hello Mr. *S*exy', not Mr. sexy
Well, hurry up and update!
* Could you please repay this via Your's Truly an Indian Pessimist? And be sure to read up my author's note at the very end of the whole thing!
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 2 . 2/24/2011
The scene with the shopkeeper lady was so VERY kick ass. I loved it XD
Ooh gay best friend! Awesome :D Seriously, I totally agree with Alias Blue, every girl DOES need a gay best friend!
The plot is still very entertaining and fresh, I'd love to see what you come up with (:
Could you please return these view via The Mathews Scenario? Thanks a bunch (:
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
Great first chapter! For starters, you've established a really set story-line. You've already filled us in on her family, ie, her drunk mother, abandoned father, and now the sister! The mother scene was very realistic, btw. Nicely written!
I like Hayden :D So VERY cool (:
| tpodiag chapter 2 . 10/11/2010
Really love the story! .
The thing I found I was confused about was, does Hayden have blue eyes or topaz? I thought they were blue
| Alias Blue chapter 2 . 10/8/2010
Hi. XD Thanks for the notification. Here's another review.
Typo - “converses” - I think it should be singular – 'converse'.
"Walk faster woman," I said in a mouthful. - hehe. I like this.
“kneeled down” I think this is a typo, but I'm not sure. You could change it to 'knelt down' maybe. I think the change sounds more natural with this informal speech and voice you're using.
"Is mommy ever going to get better?" - aw. :( I think this maybe needs an event that triggers this thought for Abbey, because would she voice it otherwise if there wasn't a specific occurrence on her mind? I don't know if that made sense, but it's a thought.
"That has prawns in it." I turned to her confused. "I'm allergic." Great, forgot about that.” I like this extra little bit of detail about Abbey, that makes the whole situation more real. And the inner thoughts show how (I've forgotten the main character's name :O) is sort of struggling at keeping things together.
“being so old and all.” - got a little Catcher in the Rye flashback there. Is this going to be a female Holden?
Oh, that old lady shop-keeper was hillarious – excellent humour.
She's his grandma – that's weird – a little implausible?
Urgh – Hayden's sort of nice, but so smarmy. I like this complex personality he has. He's an idiot, but he also does nice things. I really love/hate him.
I like the introduction of Alex – Every girl needs a gay best friend. lol Could use some character development though – right now he's just a minor, lovesick characters.
This chapter developed the characters a little bit, and just sort of carried on from where we were before. It did seem like a filler plot-wise and didn't really progress, but it certainly wasn't crappy. I think for chapters like this you really need a cliff-hanger or hook at the end.
- Alias Blue (A return review would be nice, but I don't really mind. I enjoy reading this.)
| Arastel chapter 2 . 10/6/2010
I'm still really entertained by this idea. I hope you write chapter three fast. I want to see how Alex develops.
| EmmaWoodhouse88 chapter 2 . 10/5/2010
Why did Abby say she was told to walk there alone? Interesting so far. I still want to see the backyard garden skatepark. lol. I can't wait to see what happensnext!
| blondiexoxo chapter 2 . 10/5/2010
hey so far i like it
hope there is more to come soon:)
cant wait to see what happens next
love the little sister :)
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
I like the sense of humor you gave around Sammie hating Hadyen for being some playboy guy. The dialogue gave a realistic joy with the sentences being clear to understand.
The way Sammie speak boldly is nice and funny. I like how five-years-old, Abbey suggested Hadyen come with them to the skate park.
Nice work, I can't wait to read more.
| Alias Blue chapter 1 . 6/21/2010
Here's a return review:
A couple of typos were the first thing I noticed:
“Thank got he didn't live on my street.” should be 'Thank god.'
“...longer legs than me beacuse I couldn't...” should be 'because'.
“I rolled my eyes at the true comment.” I understand what you're trying to say, but this sentence is a bit confusing.
“This guy was beyond disgusting.” I like the use of disgusting. It really makes me dislike this guy, and makes him sound really slimy – unlike other stories where the conceited guy is immediately attractive and they're already half falling for him. 'Disgusting' gets across that she's really repulsed.
“he said suggestively.” - my writing is also infected with adverbs. I'm trying to get over it. I'd recommend eliminating 'suggestively' and changing it to 'he suggested'.
You repeated “in school in school” Okay, I get quite obsessed with picking typos out, but I'm going to stop now. I really recommend you proof read. Or if you do and still get typos a lot, try a Beta reader.
“He was the lead guitarist in a band and looked good in skinnies... Hell, I would probably be his friend.” - I think that's a good character profile for Hayden. He seems cool, and could potentially be alright, it's just personality-wise he's a bit of a prick. lol. I can relate. I know people like that. XD
"I-I tried, b-but then I s-saw a picture of him," I like the way you wrote this. Good dialogue, and I really like the stuttering sound of it. It makes it sound more realistic.
"I'm fine Sammy, Hayden took care of me” - I liked that. It's a good original way to get them closer – no cliche, dropping books in the corridor and such – and it shows Hayden can be a nice guy. :) A younger sister who adores him has to be the best way to get Hayden involved. Very good use of the plot. XD
“You should come with us to the skate park next time” - Abbey speaks very fluently, and although five year olds are pretty correct, I don't think she'd be this good. Maybe delete 'You should' or 'next time' to make it a simpler setence.
So yeah, a good plot line, and nice, realistic characters. I also like how Sammy speaks as herself and doesn't interject it with unrealistic narrative about what she looks like and stuff. The only major error is the typos. Other than that, I enjoyed reading it, and you give a good base for what I'm sure will be a good romance.
- Alias Blue
| Arastel chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
I enjoyed how the characters personalities bounced off of each other; it made this very fun to read. I'm interested in reading more of this and seeing where you take it. Especially with Abby in the mix.
| Fox's Rose chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
You're definitely off to a great start! Hayden is a likeable character, although I must say I'm getting the feeling that there's a lot more to him than what appears on the surface. I also like the way that you've written Sam's character, most likely because she reminds me of someone I know. Keep up the good work!