Reviews for Turmoil of the Grave
Moongirl12121 chapter 1 . 3/8/2012
whoa, you skipped around quite a bit cherie!
Annie Bespoke chapter 3 . 2/28/2012
I love your work ;)
cwrites4fun chapter 2 . 2/19/2012
Found a boo boo, you say she found out she was adopted at 8 y.o than follow it by saying her 10 yr old mind had trouble with the news.

Thought you'd want to know this contradiction in age. Off to read more!
AnisRocks chapter 17 . 2/4/2012
Wow. That was AMAZING! Soooooooooo loved it! Totally AWESOME! Aaaaaaas for ideas I love any good story that has vampires in it!Lol!
Sonichii chapter 3 . 1/20/2012
Can't be stuffed to log in.. :L

Anyway, just wanted to say that, this story sounds very creative. I like the fact that vampires only mate with a particular type of women; those who can reproduce with them. It really adds a nice creative spin on an original take. (: I really like that.

I don't know if I can say the same about the language and grammatical structure you're using though. I don't know if anybody's noticed.. but reading this is a little bit awkward. You're doing too much telling and not enough showing. Also sometimes you repeat certain facts too much. You're explaining a lot very early on in the story, and I don't know if this will help build tension or not. And with the way you are writing, you're not making your characters seem very 3D. Your main character, Destiny, doesn't seem to be much to me. I haven't gotten a sense of her character at all.. Maybe that's because I've only read about 3 chapters, but yeah. Ah well. I'm sorry if I come off a bit harsh, but I'm really just trying to help you. My one suggestion is maybe reading through it all again and getting another person's feedback on how to change your sentences around? Because right now, though they are not terrible, they are a little awkward.

I'll continue to read though, as I really do find the plot of the story interesting and I'm looking out for more character development and such. (:
Lasco chick chapter 12 . 1/12/2012
Sorry to say this but this story was very boring. It was not what i expected, but i wasnt planning on reading this story but it was one of the supernatural stories that i have not read, so i said what the heck and clicked on the link but regretted after the second chapter. Her moms pov was really nice, but the sex scene was passionless, no calling of their names, and for a virgin she seemed to give her virginity to someone she has only known for about a day or two... Infact there was no courting that could have maked the story bearable for a romance novel. I advise you to read jennyt82 novel on fp and authonomy if you want to write an acceptable sex scene. And haybells sex scene was short but acceptable because they courted but yours was pure trash (no pun intended). I thought this story was going about revenge on destinys father and her mate will help her in doing so. But i will try best to complete the novel and dont take this the wrong way every author has people who decieved them by tellin them ur story is great. But deep down you yourself will know. I commend you for uploading this story because this review will give you experience. And for a perfect T rated story search for hot cheri stories. Are you sure haybells ur friend because if i was ur friend and beta i wont let you upload this story. I think you have an impressive action part but your romance part was either a FAKE part or was forced into the stori. Gat to go pm me for more info. My battery is low. Ciao
Pumpkin.-.-.Kween chapter 13 . 1/6/2012
I believe that sharing your writting is very intimate and takes a lot of guts. Because of this, I also believe that I owe you a honest review of your work so please don't be offended by anything I say, I'm not being malicious, I only mean to help you with your writting.

The prologue was great, it's very original and it grabbed me immediately and made me want to keep reading. One thing to watch though, is I got emotionally attatched to Destiny's mother and losing her seemed brutal and senseless. I don't really understand the need to kill her mother off in the story.

The rest of your story lacked originality and was VERY predictable. There are some inconsistencies in your story so I suggest you re-read and re-read it over and over again. There's a part where you mention Destinys mothers friends "dying in the fire."... what fire? And even if there were a fire, she only had ONE friend at that party, the others were just schoolmates.

The sex... well it seriously lacked any sense of emotion or passion, it seemed like "I want him, I love you Destiny, I love you too, he thrusts, (random embarrassing moment) he goes back to thrusting, they fall asleep.". To be honest with you, it reads as though it was written by a virgin who had no experience sexually and was only writting about what he/she thinks sex is like, based on what he/she has read in other romance stories. I think you shouldve taken the sex out completely and rated it T (teen) because it seemed like a epic fail as a M rated story.

It's supposed to be a romance story... right? I don't really buy it. Not to be mean, I see that you were really trying to sell us on the whole "Mate" thing and thats cool and all but here's the thing... soul"mates" are supposed to be someone that is so perfect for you mentally, physically, and emotionally that you are made for each other therefore making it possible and easy to fall in love with the person because you are so compatible. What you wrote about seemed like it was just mindless urges forced upon them without them having a choice. Theres a big difference between falling in love with someone youre compatible with and meeting someone and already feeling as though you love them. How can you possible love the person when you don't even know them? Landon and Destiny didn't even have time to get to know each other, how could they be in love? Because some supernatural force made them feel they were? It's like the illusion of love with no actual love.

The biggest thing you should beware of about your writting, is you have a tendency to OVER describe everything. You put too much detail into things that have absolutely no relevence to the story. For example: there was a POV of Demetrius where you said someone along the lines of "Mathias and one of my vampire guards whose name I don't remember came in, I try to remember all of their names but there are just too many of them and I can't recall his name...". All you had to say was "Mathias and one of my vampire guards came in." All the other stuff was completely irrelevent. Also where you describe Destinys apartment, it was overkill on the description. You told us the exact layout, living room directly ahead, kitchen to the left, her bedroom through a small hallway then bathroom next to it (or however it was, I dont remember). You tell us that the whole apartment is carpeted in beige carpet except for the bathroom which had tile (ps, if thats the fact, who carpets a kitchen?- you see what happened there? because you told me an unneeded fact my mind got sidetracked and now im thinking about why someone would carpet a kitchen rather than thinking about your story. too much info.). You go as far as to even tell us the color of every single room in her apartment, I dont remember the exact colors but I think the bathroom was yellow, the bedroom baby or light blue and the livingroom and kitchen being white. You even tell us that her bedroom doorknob is broken. I don't even know if any doorknobs in my brothers house is broken but guess what? I know that Destinys bedroom doorknob IS. I see a problem with that lol. All you had to say was, "I have a small, one bedroom apartment which is a little rundown and gloomy, but it has all the amenities I need to get by.". You have to let US paint our own picture of what her apartment looks like, dont paint YOUR version in our heads.

You should also not give too many P.O.V.s., it's distracting from the story. I think have a main character (Destiny) and occasionally a P.O.V. of Landon every once in a while is okay but to have a P.O.V. of every single character? That's just confusing. If you're going to give POVs you should really develop each characters distinct personality because they seemed too monotoned.

To be honest, I gave up at chapter 12.. I could'nt even finish the story. Somewhere along the line, it seemed to get too rushed and predictable and eventually I said forget it, I'm moving on.

It seems like this story was written by a younger person... maybe teen or even preteen. If that's the care.. well, I was going to say that I appologize since you aren't old enough to be writting at an adult level... but that's the point... I read rated M stories because Im an adult, not a child or teenager. If you aren't an adult, you should most definately NOT be writting about sex.

None the less, thanks for sharing your story and I appreciate you having the bravery to put your work out there to be ripped apart by people like me :D. You have potential but trust us to be smart enough to not need you to describe every single small detail and trust yourself that you are doing an okay enough job telling the story without doubting yourself and going back to overanalyze what you've written.
Alanisaur chapter 1 . 12/31/2011
Great Story
Xandrea chapter 17 . 11/23/2011
This was an amazing story. I have to admit that I stayed up till 6am reading it. Boy am I glad I don't have class today. Haha. You are an amazing writer. thank you for sharing this with us. I really enjoyed this. :)
KaylahDemi chapter 3 . 9/21/2011
The epiloge and these last two chapters seem rushed.
TheRedWulfe chapter 10 . 9/7/2011
You have a gift for cliffhangers. It keeps me coming back for more
jewelcrystal chapter 2 . 9/2/2011
Heya! You need to work on your grammar and punctuation. You also need improvement in your main character and how you present her to the readers. I like the twist you did by introducing her through her mother's experience in the Prologue, but the way you've showcased her character development is choppy and it makes it a confusing read. You might also want to explore more about not bombarding readers and your main character with the mythology of your story all at once. It tends to kill one of the mysteries right off. It would have been nice if your main character, as well as us readers, learned about the ways of supernatural beings gradually and not, as I mentioned earlier, all at once. :)

Aside from that, the story is an interesting read. I will definitely continue on reading. :)

P.S. I see what you did there. You basically killed off 'Edward' from Twilight. LOL! a vampire named 'Mason' (although Edward's real last name is spelled differently. Masen instead of Mason) who has the ability to read minds. Ha! :P
Fifi18 chapter 16 . 8/31/2011
It is a fast paced story, with lots of actions and drama happening within a short time frame. Sometimes I find it a little overwhelming, especially with switching multiple characters' POVs within the same scene.

I wonder why Margaret is a undercover, pretending to be Landon's half-sister, how does Rick know about Landon's relationship to Destiny? What's the motive here?
TheRedWulfe chapter 2 . 8/29/2011
I think it would help if instead of just an authors note in the Prologue if you told the readers in Chapter One that you are switching characters.

I love the idea of this story so far, its well written and had minor spelling/grammar issues.
bookworm6193 chapter 16 . 8/27/2011
Wow. This is a really awesome story!
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