Reviews for Waiting
bl34ch521 chapter 1 . 4/13/2010
First off, thanks for submitting your story to the forum. Your story is amazing. I loved how you started out with an unknown suspense and the slow but fast progression of events was very well laid out. The ending was phenomenal. I hope this is a short story because I don't see how you can continue after ending like that - it's just too perfect.

As a personal preference, you have a lot of 1-2 sentence paragraphs - some of which can be combined into one paragraph. The way it's written now, there isn't much break up in flow to the story. But if you were to combine some of those lines, it would flow even better.

You did have a few run-on sentences of which I pointed out and made suggestions on how to correct. And I do apologize for all of my "edits." I'm beginning to realize that I'm a bit of a Punctuation Nazi. Hopefully you won't hold that against me. It truly was a great story.

Edits (of a sorts)

Comments are made based off Paragraph#.Sentence#

1.7 - "my pace" should be changed to "her pace"

1.10 - Change the semicolon to a period

1.15 - This sentence is a little confusing. What "show" are you talking about?

2.1 - I would change "and" to "but"

2.2 - Run-on, change the comma after "still" to a period

2.6 - Run-on, change comma after "her" to period

3.2 - omit "the" before "fear" and "confidence"

7.1 - change the comma to period after "away" and capitalize "there"

9.1 - same as 7.1

15.2 - comma after "for"

16.1 - same as 7.1

19.1 - to indicate the spoken accent add an apostrophe in front of "air" ('air)

22.1 - add a comma after looked, and change turned to turning

22.2 - comma after "pain" and change "my" to "her" - I'm guessing this was originally a first person narrative?

24.1 - same as 7.1 and insert "normal" after "its"

31.1 - change "staring" to "stared"

36.2 - change "span" to "spun"

43.1 - same as 36.2

43.2 - change "her" to "he"

44.3 - you forgot the quotation marks before "who"

45.1 - change the comma to a period

47.1 - change "meet" to past tense "met"

48.1 - comma after "asked"

49.2 - change comma to a semicolon

51.2 - change comma to semicolon

55.1 - Run-on. Fix it by adding a period after "years" omitting the proceeding "and", changing the comma after "for you" to a period, add a period after "found you", change comma after "into you" to a period, change comma after "love me" to a period (yes I realize this is making shorter sentences, but now the sentences have more emphasis), add a period after "couldn't know"

67.2 - insert "in" before "his eyes"

69.1 - change the comma after "else" to a question mark

75.3 - insert "an" before "engine"

84.1 - either change "air" to "hair" or " 'air"

85&86 - you forgot to add the extra space between these two lines