Ms.Julia chapter 35 . 6/4/2012
Hey there, loved this story.

I'm going to check out your profile and see what else you've posted.

All the best!
ray smith chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
i enjoyed it a lot,i think the story was fast paced and intricate, and i hope i get to read the rest of the book soon. :)
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
Concentrating on the internal logic of the story for the most part, I've noticed a few inconsistencies:

Paragraphs 1-15:

1 & 5 seem mutually exclusive: They'll never complete the yakar! & There is no failing the yakar. The confusion is compounded by the fact that the same person makes both statements. Very koan-like, unclear in the extreme, but clarification would be appreciated. Is only one attempt to complete the yakar allowed?

P 16-64

16: Does Avain believe Sarran will listen to this paragraph? It seems to be totally against the (unstated) rules of the yakar; certainly it is inconsistent with the participation of the shikareen in the final act of the yakar. Why does A spout this nonsense since there is no chance of S taking it seriously? Does A believe he will be unobserved throughout the test or that his method will not matter?

23: Their sharp, three-inch fangs rounded out their arsenal. ~~'sharp three-inch fangs' will do here.

26: regretted the harsh thought, no matter how well deserved it might have been. ~~but the thought wasn't deserved at all, was it? A did not enter the trial armed.

30passim: just the right height for a couple of boys to escape. If they worked together. ~~What you show immediately after S jumps into the hole with A is A boosting S out of the hole. 47: S is out of the hole, and A is still down in it, just like the beginning. I realize the trust issue is what you want to explore here, but the action of the scene seems pointless. ((On the other hand, at this point of the story, I don't think you can have A boosted out of the hole and then helping S out of it; it would be out of character.))

41: Avain never did anything right... & ... Avain had passed every test and fulfilled every requirement in just three. ~~So which is it? If he doesn't do anything right, how does he pass every test? ((It seems to me that A's shortcomings are not in physical abilities, but in spiritual development. If these two subsets of the training are of equal value, will a failure in only one hold back a student? If one aspect of learning is more important, which is it?))

65-151

127: Too abrupt info dump. Are the Crestilian wizards the students' expected foes? Is there already conflict between them? If they are known foes, can you mention them earlier?

149: Unclear referents. One, the other, the other. Who's who here?
Amethyst Asheryn chapter 5 . 4/26/2010
Avain's unintentional swim with the fish-so funny. Also Sarran's reaction to it, and Avain's comment afterwards. Again I think the heal'ghymn translations would be good within the story itself-because the comments in heal'ghymn do show their personalities, and people who don't happen to have the dictionary for some reason, or are too lazy to bother with it, won't understand. Which would be a bummer.

Anyway, other than that, I like this chapter. Sarran's thought process while he's holding Shane down was a highlight, as was Avain's let-down in the village when he realizes that he can't just run up and join in the games anymore.

Thanks for writing,

Ashe
Amethyst Asheryn chapter 4 . 4/26/2010
I like this chapter. I can't say quite why. Maybe it's because we've been re-introduced to Shane and Sarran and Avain are finally really starting out on their journey.

When I first read this story, I translated the heal'ghymn myself and so I remember, more-or-less, what Sarran and Shane's conversation was when he's tending Avain. I think you mostly recapped it later on in conversations between Sarran and Avain, but I still wonder whether putting translations in the story when the conversation is actually taking place is also a good idea... Just a thought.

I love Avain's dogged persistence in attacking Shane till he's exhausted himself. Not very smart, granted, but so ... Avain-ish. Nice.

Thanks for writing. I enjoyed it!

Ashe
Amethyst Asheryn chapter 2 . 4/15/2010
I love Avain. I always have ... But now, reading it from the beginning again just brought home how neat he really is. Saran too, though it took me longer to really start liking him as much.

Typos:

"It is as I have always told you, Avian."-Avain?

Actually, that happens more than once.

"What d'you mean, you're going after the bastards who did this? You're just gonna get yourselves killed, you stupid boys!"-Maybe it's just me, but this just seemed a bit ... slangy. Emar didn't strike me as the type to speak like that, with the "gonna"s and all. Maybe it's just me...

Other than that, I didn't find anything wrong.

Again, thanks for writing!

Ashe
Amethyst Asheryn chapter 1 . 4/14/2010
Wow! I never thought I'd see this story in its entirety again. It made my day, seeing the new story alert in my inbox. :)

Personally I don't think this is too dull. I mean, first chapters are always a little like that because you have to introduce the plot ... And you did a good job of moving action and description along together. I can't say I have any suggestions as to how it could be improved.

Thanks for putting this back up again! I'm looking forward to re-reading the new and improved version. :)

Write on,

Ashe
Sword And Sorcery chapter 1 . 4/14/2010
Very nice nice beginning! I like the arguing between Sarran and Avian! Cool!