|Reviews for The Last Vampire|
| Silver Diva chapter 23 . 7/25/2010
The plot, and medical/genetic research detail carried this story throughout, and made it a very interesting read with a (for me anyway) shiney new take on vampirism. Many kudos. You must do this stuff for a living, yes?
The instantaneous love interest between Brin and Carter appeared to be an impulsive addition...and within the last couple of paragraphs of the second to last chapter. Not nice! I realize this story was more to get a theory for vampires 'out there' than it was to become a fully-fleshed and detailed romance. Still...ugh.
Just something to think about, and use in your next story. Character development is a big part of the 'meat' of any fiction, because you want to grab your readers by use of compelling and interesting characters. Carter, while on his 14-day blood fast actually was becoming more real for me. Perhaps he could have attempted to bite Brin as a 'love nibble' of affection! (or not...lol)
| Silver Diva chapter 5 . 7/24/2010
As your first reviewer most unkindly pointed out, your story is fraught with minor dings. However, it is quite readable, and your story line interesting. I write also, and have a suggestion that helps me with dialogue. I merely ask myself, would I actually say/ask that?
You have displayed a great deal of technical knowledge regarding your main character's research, and that is pretty cool...I mean Brin. Mr. Carter is interesting, too. You have also moved your story along in a plausible and effective way...that is talent, and too many stories here lack that.
Look forward to more reading. And don't take the gnarly reviews personal...just use them to improve! Remember that words in a story are very like those of a song...if a sentence or phrase sounds clumsy and lacks rhythm, you need to rethink the writing. Some of your sentences are clumsy, but that isn't a crime! Carry on!
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 3 . 4/27/2010
In general, this is too wordy. Some of what you write is not to the point, and some is repitious: ' It just took longer for me to get here than I had figured on. ' when you've already told us this in the first paragraph. ~~If your character tell someone in the story something, the Author doesn't need to tell the reader. **As she pulled up in front of the house she noticed a brand new Lexus sitting in front of the house. ~~how many fronts does the house have? '...she pulled up next to the Lexus already parked in front of the house ~~and even that is too long: She parked beside a Lexus.
'...but he's been down ill for a couple of days." "I hope he's okay," said Brin. ~~If one has a butler, one does not discuss his health with a guest.
'... despite the fancy apartments I have to maintain in New York, Los Angeles, London, and such." Bragging. Would P brag?
OK, here: "It must take a lot of people to keep a place like this running," said Brin.
"Not really," said Preston. "There's Malcolm, Jenny, the housekeeper, and Raoul, the chef. For the outside there's Thomas. He's the mechanic and general handyman. There's also Compton who takes care of the grounds along with Jeff and Clinton. That's about it." **is where you can have P introduce staff. Punctuation of a list of items with internal commas ~~Jenny, the housekeeper; involves semi-colons between items: '...Malcolm; Jenny, the housekeeper; and Raoul, the chef."' Since she will probably not come in contact with outside staff, P probably would NOT mention them.
For obvious reasons we would ask that you not bother us when we're in there. ~~are P and C lovers? Why, if B is not to disturb P and C when they are on the third floor, does C mention it? 'Your room, B, is on the second floor ((or wherever)) Please don't roam around the house.' In a house with a butler AND a housekeeper, a guest would ask either of them to ask P or C if they could see her. Going looking for P or C herself would be like dodging around an executive's secretary. ~~Have you a floor plan of this house? In any house, there are public areas and private -family- areas. Saying so is not rude. If the third floor is family only, ideally the staircase up there can be shut, possibly locked.
'Carter will show you where it is.' If she is being shown to her room, shouldn't she be shown down to her lab also? See 'don't roam around the house' above.
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 4/23/2010
h'or devours ~~It's hors d'ouevors, and it's either all italic or all underlined or all plain.
an extremely beautiful flower arrangements. Is it an arrangement or more than one arrangements?
"Harrold is from old money," said Brin. "He knows how to smooze the guests..." Old money smoozes? Old money is usually too arrogant to smooze.
'...partially covered by the sleeve of his tuxedo, was what appeared to be a spot of sunburn.' ~~The sleeve of the shirt should extend 1/4 to 1/2 inch beyond the dinner jacket. ((The back of the shirt collar extends 1/2 to 3/4 of an inch above the jacket collar.)) Would a doctor, even a reseacher, assume sunburn, and not a birthmark, mole, or scar? Sunburn doesn't really occur in 'spots'. It's more a field phenomenon than a point one.
| CelticGirl54 chapter 2 . 4/20/2010
Wow...he managed to get Brin to work for him. Draagard certainly is sure of himself. Nice work!
| CelticGirl54 chapter 1 . 4/20/2010
I don't usually read vampire stories because they are all the same-teen girl falls for boy vampire, etc.
But this is a concept I haven't seen before and you have me interested, so please keep writing.