|Reviews for South of Heaven|
| Nesasio chapter 21 . 5/27/2013
Yaaaaay I finally caught up again.
Obviously I can talk to you sometime if I have more thoughts or you have questions or something (not that you ever really do but whatevs) but I had a couple things I wanted to say about the last 4-5 chapters I was catching up on and I figured I might as well jot them down here and up your review count. Or something. :D
1. You are surprisingly good at doing fade-outs. Not that I suspected otherwise, but I don't usually associate you with leaving stuff to the imagination as far as gore and stuff. Anyone else, I probably wouldn't have noticed, because it eased into them (for sexytimes and then the whole demon-helper businessman massacre) in a really natural way. Good stuff.
Oh, one thing I wasn't going to talk about, but just thought of: was there any news about the whole room full of dead people? Like...no one reported that? I know it's sort of off-topic since that was an Adrianna-focused subplot, but it seemed suspicious to me that in an office full of humans and in a tense situation like the city is in, this made no real-world impact.
2. I'm not really one to question plot or your creative choices, but I'm a little concerned about Mark in this chapter. On one hand I think it's important that you establish the stakes and get the ball rolling, and in that way this is a good move. On the other, it feels like the last several chapters Mark has been getting progressively less authorial love, to the point of almost being character derailment; actually writing him off now sent a bit of a mixed message to me because he was being set up as increasingly difficult/belligerent to the main characters and if he died now he'd have no chance at redemption. Because of that, I found it harder to sympathize with him being the person taken. I dunno, maybe that's just me.
On a final random questiony note, didn't someone in the group have a healing ability? Like, I just read back a bit, and I know Mark could heal himself, but I thought someone in the group could heal other people...? Or maybe my head is just too stuck in Nomad-land, haha. I know Xander helped Jason that one time, so I'm not sure what the limits are for healing in this universe. This is entirely caused by me not reading the whole story recently, though.
Aaanyway, I'm gonna shut up now.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 21 . 5/16/2013
Ooh, yeah. The shit has officially hit the fan. I am so ready for this battle to go down. Really, I just want them to face off with Krystallanos. He's such a shadow-y figure I was starting to wonder whether or not he was real.
I loved the scene where Adrianna figures Mark is playing the politics card. I thought that was interesting, that his character would go that route, though. He always seemed like a pretty level-headed fair guy, but I guess the frustration of knowing that the enemy is easily at hand and not doing anything just got to him. I guess the vote didn't really matter in the end, though. Their hand has been forced. But I do think you did a good job showing how time and stress have had different effects on the group, like in the way Mark and Christy were yelling, and how even Jason didn't want to get involved.
Ha! I thought it was pretty crazy when Kane killed that mage without a fight. I was like, "no way did that just happen", but then it all started to make sense, lol. Pretty nice battle strategy on the bad guy side. I was beginning to think they were going to continue using guerrilla warfare. And way to utilize that suspense, haha. I just kept wondering what those demons would do; who they were going to kill. And then they found Ben and I was all, "aww shit o.o", but that wasn't even the worst part. xD So it was pretty much a sucker punch, haha.
So, are people really going to start dying? D: This is a pretty intense threat they have against them. I'm excited to see how things pan out from here. Yay, I'm glad for the update, can't wait for the next chapter!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 20 . 5/3/2013
[All she knew was the deserved the opportunity to find out.] *they
[That last the whole ride home,] *lasted
Aww. Kane has soft side. That's really nice, seeing that there are more dimensions to him and that he does express concern for the ones that he cares about. Actually, this chapter was really insightful on the different aspects of Kane, because for a while there, I just felt like he was beyond that scope of "human things". Like, it never struck me that he might like to watch movies, and teach impressionable young teenagers how to be criminals, LOL.
Anyway, this chapter was also a really good way of getting Adrianna more acclimated to the idea of killing others for the greater sake of humanity. And I think that's a subject that all heroes face at some point, but I think having her deal with this now as opposed to later is a good idea because it'll definitely make things a lot easier in the event that she comes up against human cohorts and is forced to kill them. At least she won't be struggling with her morals and ending up bungling things.
I think you handled the emotions and reactions fairly well. I especially liked the part where Adrianna is looking at the pictures and coming to a slow realization of her decisions. I felt kind of uplifted myself, haha. Nice transitioning chapter.
| A. Gray chapter 20 . 5/1/2013
So i was way slacking on reading this for the last like five chapters. All caught up now! There were a few spelling errors that were words spelled right but not the right word through the chapters, but nothing too bad.
I have to wonder though about Kane and Adrianna. It's nice that he obviously cares for her, and he's not a total d-bag, but I can't help but see it as a Romeo and Juliet style relationship. Sure they can be together, but he's obviously immortal while she is just human and bound to die. Coupled with the fact that you haven't ever said what happens to humans after they die, are their souls sent to heaven or hell?, it adds to it for me. Adrianna is going to die in a short amount of time compared to Kane, and then her soul will be gone.
I do also wonder why the sis that can do magic hasn't been at least partially introduced to the whole fighting demons thing. I can see that Adrianna doesn't want her involved and therefore hurt, and likely hasn't told anyone about her magic, but that's gotta come out eventually, and right now she is just a huge liability. When she first called Kane, I was thinking that demons had followed her from Adrianna's, and due to similar smell attacked her/ kidnapped her to get to the group. She locked herself safeish, but need Kane cuz she was worn from fending them off. It's bound to happen and Kane must see that, and I would think that Adrianna would too even given all the shit going on. I really hope to see a bit more of Jenna coming into play in the plot in the near future.
Other than that this was really solid, and I can't wait to see how it continues!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 19 . 4/26/2013
[Do you over them shelter?] *offer
I think I vaguely wondered at one point whether actual people lived in their town or if it just belonged to vampires and other demons, haha. But yeah, give those guys what they deserve. Sometimes it's good to have the anti-hero on your team.
Sometimes it's not. xD Like when he just dumps random people in bathtubs. Oh the little wonders of living with a demon, ahaha. I think the plan to use Nathan as an access key was a good idea, even if they weren't really dressed for the parts.
I'll admit though, it sounds pretty impossible what they're up against. Seven and a half thousand?! I wonder if that's the plan though. Have so many demons that it would be impossible for any fighters to keep up strength and then attack while they're weak. I kind of hope Kane has another plan to drastically reduce the number of demons, because otherwise, things are bound to get ugly really fast.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 18 . 4/19/2013
Oh Jesus. Kane. *dying*
I find the direction their relationship has taken to be an interesting one. Obviously both are enjoying the benefits out of being together, but there's always downfalls to being together while in the middle of a warzone. Adrianna knows how to kick butt and I'm sure Kane wouldn't go out of his way to keep her safe, but what if he ends up giving her preference over the others? What if it comes down to a situation of her vs. killing the bad guy?
Also, what happens afterward, assuming they do win. What becomes of their relationship then? Also, there's already one mini-Kane that we know about, what if more come about from this? ._.
It's pretty easy to see that Adrianna is already trying to take charge of things, though, lol, when she tries to get Kane to be nicer.
Chyeah, good luck with that one sister.
[He's gotten really close to both of them. I think he's starting to see them as the siblings he never had.] Aww. :3
The conversation between Kane and Jenna also killed me. XD
And finally, they get some viable information. Mark does seem oddly pissed off, and I can't imagine his frustrations will come out in a calm, positive way, but eh. We'll see. Nice update!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 17 . 4/13/2013
[Along with the worry that immediate sprang up for her friends] *immediately
Sex during the apocalypse? xD Might as well! But uh, I hope Kane doesn't kill Adrianna, LOL. He's kind of a giant, so other things about him might be giant sized, ahem. ._. But on the flip side, he also secured a place to sleep. Ulterior motives, FTW?
Anyway, this was a really long chapter, but I enjoyed it. A lot of surprising events seem to popping up in the plot line. Namely Jenna being able to use magic, too. I guess it runs in the family? o.O Jenna and Adrianna's relationship is an interesting one, considering they haven't seen each other in a long time. I liked how Adrianna kind of wanted to tiptoe around the situation, how she thought maybe her sister would still be the same, but then Jenna turns out to be different. I wonder though if just the two of them being together will dredge up any old grudges or something like that. I can sense some conflict happening between the two of them at some point.
I forgot Mark hates Kane, ahah. I don't know, I feel really awkward about it. Like watching a teacup chihuahua try to take on a Bull mastiff. At the same time that it's embarrassing, it's also like, "Okay, please don't kill him, Kane." o.o Mark needs to cool his shit.
Well, I wonder if Kane is going to do anything about Krystallanos making direct threats. It should be exciting, anyway. All they've been doing so far is picking their teeth with the bones of little fish. I anticipate a shitstorm to come down very soon.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 16 . 4/5/2013
[neither of the women bother answering.] *bothered
[Then he turned to Beth and smile.] *smiled
Oh man, I am so confused on this family tree, LOL. If, what, no. ._. Oh, father-in-law. Kane to Lucifer in after Lucifer was rejected from Heaven? And then Beth and Lucifer had a fling. Well, that's not as weird as it could have been, ahahha. xD Because when Lucifer said "dad" I was like, "but then that means he and Beth are related, whaaatt?!"
As Sica would say, though, incest is best!
I like that time works much, much differently in the different realms. Earth moves at an alarmingly fast pace, but Hell is still slow compared to Heaven-time. That's a really cool twist.
There's a lot of interesting backstory in this chapter, and I like the way it was referenced to. Just enough to keep things interesting, but it doesn't entirely detract from the main plot. As intriguing as finding out about Kane's strange family tree is, I wouldn't feel cheated if things just moved on from here. Though, it would also be cool to dig deeper. ;D
But boo, because Kane never gave Lucifer a chance to say what God and he were discussing. I bet it was important. XD One of those, "oh I meant to tell you before" situations. What if it's a plot to save humanity? Or ruin it? o.o
Nice ending. Hopefully all the demons haven't fully invaded. Xander is pretty strong, but against an entire horde? And he can only fight by night. :\ There might be some cleaning up to do.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 15 . 2/6/2013
O.O *spits drink on screen* Daughter?! Kiss?! Lucifer missing?! Okay, I'll calm down.
I figured something would happen between them, being forced to share that cell for hours and hours, lool. It was nice, though, to see their personalities interacting-and clashing, even, ha. Adrianna must have been pretty desperate to try to fight Kane. She's got a lot of spunk, though, so it's not surprising. xD
All the talk about Lucifer makes me curious. Why would he leave and where would he go? Would it have to do with this uprising of sorts? Or maybe he found a way to Earth, hmm. It's started to get tricky, figuring out where everyone's intentions are. All sorts of forces are being drawn into the fray.
And d'aww, Kane offered to take Adrianna out for drinks. I'll admit something, though, I'm pretty unsure about what Kane looks like. In my head, he kind of looks like Hellboy, lol. Like, he doesn't look like a human to me. I feel I may have said this before. Hrm. I dunno. I can't get that image out of my head, so at the same time that I'm like, "aww!" I'm also like, "but isn't he eight feet tall and built like a gollum? o.O"
I was just as surprised as Adrianna about Kane's dating ability, lolol! And also the fact that he had been married three times before. o.o So, uh, which one is his baby mama? ._. And how did she get the key? And how did she know they were there? *brain asplodes*
[It's really impressive work. Last time I was here, the bars didn't do that.] Also, I thought this line was hilarious. Oh Kane.
Awesome ending, I enjoyed this update.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 14 . 10/31/2012
Poor Adrianna. XD She can't even walk, lol. At least Kane is somewhat nice and got her a new car. Even though I have a feeling he might destroy it again for the lulz.
I like this idea of Angels, but I do wonder why it took them this long to show themselves. Then again, this has all taken place over the course of like, three days, I think you said, so nevermind. xD
I liked how everyone was exclaiming "Jesus Christ" though. I just thought it was so ironic that they would say that while thinking about the Angels.
Why did Kane specifically take Adrianna with him, though? I feel like this is a weird way of taking a girl out on a date. XD I am curious if his boss if the Devil himself, or maybe just some other high ranking demon. If it is Lucifer, I'd be surprised. What quarrel does he have with Angels when he could probably just kill them with a look.
Nice cliffhanger! I hope Adrianna doesn't end up becoming a virgin sacrifice, or something. Then she'll never get to talk to this John character, lol.
| Guest chapter 13 . 7/19/2012
My name is Ariel and I’m part of ProjectFiction’s staff. PF is a site that looks for, and recognizes, good fiction around the web. We link to stories (and take nominations from authors and readers out there), look for betas, put up writing guides, and a lot of other cool things. What do I do there? Well, I work in PF as a reviewer, basically going around picking stories to read and, obviously, review. Your story South of Heaven is one of them. Hopefully, the feedback I can give you will be of use to you.
Your formatting is very clean and you obviously proof read because there aren't any mistakes that I can see. I really like the way you switch point of views. It's not confusing and doesn't stand out. You also know when to switch. What I mean by this is that there aren't a bunch of unanswered questions are cliffhangers when you switch point of views. I mean of course there are questions. That's what makes the story interesting and keeps us reading. I think a good way of explaining this is that it's like watching a movie and they move from different perspective to another. It's smooth and makes sense.
I also really like your plot its interesting and its progressing at a nice pace. You don't just write to fill the page. Every chapter is filled with information that the reader needs. And I'm not just talking about the plot itself, but the characters. Each thought, feeling and dialogue written gives us a good idea of the characters in a creative way. However you are missing a bit of physical descriptions when you write your characters. You've definitely got their attitudes down and you portray them very well, but give the characters some physical description to balance it out by adding them here and there while they speak or walk or something.
Really that's all I can think of at the moment. You've got a nice writing style and there aren't any concerns with your diction or vocabulary. Your characters are well rounded and almost life-like. Giving them some physical features that can be mentioned throughout the story will increase their realistic quality. Other than that you're doing great!
So keep up the good work and I hope this helped!
| Nesasio chapter 13 . 5/21/2012
"They don't know Kane and Xander are here yet."
-Then they definitely deserve to die 'cause damn. Someone missed that slaughterfest of a memo. Even if they aren't aware they're working with the group, wouldn't someone notice Kane's trail of bodies by now?
When I said a 'little bit of magic', I really meant 'a shitton'.
Ben, cool-headed as ever, asked "How did you get in here?"
-Priorities, he has them, heh.
"That was the signal!" he shouted.
Even from a distance, Adrianna felt warm blood hit her face.
-At this point (I'm fairly certain) they're still above the bloodbath, with Adrianna shooting downward. Logically-speaking (lol) nothing should splatter upward since she is forcing everything down and out.
Spelling/Grammar: You kept me rather busy toward the end here. :P
...with fangs and claws and whole shitload of other deadly weapons.
He found after several moments.
...then place his right hand...
...the slowly started to fan out...
It collided with the demons head...
...went to work keep their friends safe.
As he wrestled with on demon...
...another one tried to strike his unprotected black.
Blood splattered every...
-'everywhere' or 'everything', etc
...red-skinned demon leap onto Kane's unprotected back and wrapped all four of its arms around his back.
-1. 'wrap' and 2. the two uses of 'back' was repetitive
His eyes widen and he raised his hand...
Other: I'm not really sure what this would count as but I thought I'd mention it: the demon at the beginning just sort of chills in the hall for the rest of the chapter. Granted it's not a danger to them anymore but, um, wouldn't that cause a bit of alarm in the hospital, giant demon thing just sort of dead in the hallway? I don't think it needs to be a big plot point but it just seemed strange to me that they just left it in the hall without thinking 'oh, this might look strange' or walking past it or anything.
Scene/Pace: It almost felt like there wasn't as much action as there could have been for the fight scene. I think the actual fighting was good, but it seemed like there wasn't enough for the odds they were up against. Does that make sense? It seemed like they weren't fighting as many demons as Kane said they were, so it went very quickly.
Ending: Ahaha, I liked the ending. It was a nice mood switch from the tension of Kane yelling at her to Adrianna being ticked off about her dead car. I was wondering how that would work its way in, and I thought it was fitting that she had no warning, haha. It was a good light way to wrap up the chapter.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 13 . 5/19/2012
I'mma make this my WCC for the heck of it, lol.
Relationships: Oh, you know how I do love Kane, but I think I'm starting to see something of a budding friendship between Adrianna and him. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I really like the way their relationship is approached. It's not an outright declaration of love like, "I'd take a bullet for you!" but it's more of a "I will punch your face in and laugh" kind of thing. Which, in my opinion, is a lot more fun to write and read.
It's definitely evolving, though, and I think the pace you're taking it is pretty good. At this point in the story, I don't think I could see it becoming a romance, but I do see a pretty lasting friendship happening. Supposing Adrianna lives that long, anyway.
Spelling/Grammar: There were just a couple of things I thought I'd point out. Some of them might just be a turn of phrase that I'm not familiar with, so bear with me.
[folded neatly a half.] I've never seen this phrase before, so, probably just a me thing. I always thought it was "in half", but "a half" sounds credible, too. I've just never seen it before. :\
[Invincibility wasn't a power any of them have, and even superior fighting skills only did so much.] Tense changed here. "Have" should be "had", or you could just change everything to present tense.
[The human's arrived before Xander could reply.] Unnecessary apostrophe.
[where the bowled over several of their comrades.] "the" should be "they"
[The group, gather together and whispering quietly to each other started to draw attention from the rest of] "gathered" and there should be a comma after "other".
[he held a whispered with Xander.] I actually have no idea what you intended with this one.
If there were others, I can't remember. Or, the more truthful reason, I am just too lazy. So, yeah, that's all I noticed, haha.
Scene: There were a lot of scenes in here that were awesome. You write action well, but I think my favorite scene had to be where Adrianna makes mush of all those demons when Christy and she are up in the air. Not only was it a fantastic idea, but the imagery was great. I'm actually getting more of a handle on how to picture each of the characters' powers and just thinking of what it might be like to witness dozens of demon bodies getting smashed pancake flat against the asphalt was sweet.
Also, this scene really brings to light the teamwork the group has. Whereas most of it before was a lot of independent fighting and planning and stuff like that, this scene I thought really showcased what made the group in the first place: the fact that they were able to use their powers to help each other fight evil things in their town.
Enjoyment: Most of my reviews are enjoyment reviews, so using this one is like a freebie to me. Anyway, heck yeah I enjoyed this chapter. Kane really does make this story hilarious. He just doesn't care about social norms, and I actually think he makes a point of breaking them.
[Somebody's directing them, but you can only do so much when you're working with a bunch of fucking idiots."] Definitely my favorite line. Not only because it's true, but because Kane said it. XD
His commentary on everything has definitely kept things interesting so far, but now that this problem has been cut down, I anticipate what's going to happen next. This was hilarious and kept my attention, so awesome work.
| YasuRan chapter 13 . 5/17/2012
I remember reading this a LONG while ago and enjoying it. It's been ages since I last reviewed, but it was quite easy to get into and enjoy.
Kane is clearly the stand-out character: a badass, antihero, wisecracking, doesn't take crap from anyone. He's such a joy to watch XD. The other characters are holding up well, Adrianna mostly with her budding relationship with Kane. The action's heating up and the stakes (no pun intended) have been clearly upped. All the while, I can tell you're having fun writing this. Like I said in my last review, it's very reminiscent of Buffy, combining action, supernatural, and a good dose of one-liners.
While you've done a great job with the vamps so far, I'd like to see some of the same depth applied to more of Adrianna's friends. Apart from that, I'm cool with having the vampires stealing the show - Kane, especially. He's definitely a character to remember :)
This chapter in particular had the guy at his finest. The action scenes were vivid and had that perfect amount of punch. I also like how Xander plays the foil to Kane's more hot-tempered character. It was kinda cool to see him reason with Adrianna towards the end. I'm a bit surprised to see how well they get on, given their history, but it's also nice reading the human/vampire interactions.
| A. Gray chapter 5 . 5/16/2012
I love the relationship building you do with Kane and Xander in this chapter. Before this you get the feeling that they are pretty buddy-buddy in a normal way, but the bit about the holy water shows us that it isn't. At first, especially with Xander's reaction I wondered how these two were even allies, but when he makes the comment about fire I realized this was their strange friendship. I think it was great because I couldn't imagine demons having a normal friendship so your showing of theirs was wonderful.
I think you did the scene with the dryads quite well. It wasn't too indepth, but still gave a very clear picture of what was happinging. I like that you showed just how strong Kane is with his one punch obliterating the last deamons head. It was also nice that you show Xander's concern even after their little talk earlier.
I think you have the plot progressing very nicely here. I like that you give it a bit more to thicken it with the dryads. I'd like to see them make another appearance again. I found it a bit predictable that Kane had to save Christy, but it didn't detract in anyway. Even as expected as it was it was something needed to really show the humans that Kane isn't a threat. It furthers his position to what he wants.
I think your dialogue was well done. It helped to pace the story, and really helped build and show the relationships. I love that no matter what is going on you keep Kane's the same asshole talk. I couldn't see him doing anything else, and I like that you kept true to that. Your dialogue also helps in respect to Adrinna. She's tense and angry from Kane, but keeps a clear head despite all that.
Overall another enjoyable chapter, and you had better get to writing more in this! You've set up a nice thing here, that is suspensful and not predictable.