|Reviews for Tight Fit|
| Lost in time of Dinos chapter 2 . 5/3/2010
its interesting so far i would like to see how it turns out the next chapter.
| Dead Deactivated chapter 2 . 5/3/2010
Ello, I decidely stumbled upon your story while looking in the Just In section, and well, it caught my eye. I really do like it :)You might want to check out fictionwithbite., if your in the mood for supernatural, there are some real good ones there. But keep writing and really excited for the next chapter. Update soon!
| EliMerriman chapter 2 . 5/3/2010
Hm... both Reese and Heather are slightly different than I first imagined, but I suppose that their characters are precisely what will be making it a "tight fit".
I would like to start off on a good note (look at this, there is now enough good that I can make a critique sandwich!) and say that it was easily noticeable that you put time into editing; and because of that I was able to pay more attention to the story itself, and make an actual comment on plot! I would consider those two hours worth it, and I am truly beginning to look forward to the next chapter.
But first, you have to do something with tense. I'm not sure if it was due to a desire to avoid the newly discovered passive voice, or if I just didn't notice it in the first chapter, but it is rare to see two consecutive paragraphs where all the tenses match. This causes me, as a reader, to become lost from the moment, due to the peculiar sound of the mismatched narrative. It makes it very difficult to decide if this is a story being recounted, or if the story is unfolding from in front of us, as if we were Reese.
Wow… for the moment, that’s all I’ve got to complain about (I promise I will find more, but later).
“Heather started shifting or shaking I'm not sure which one.” I would like to take a moment to say that I really liked this line, it exemplifies the merits of a first-person narrative, in my opinion, lending clues into Heather’s actions, but not much more. It also raises a question. Is she simply shy and nervous? Or is she so nervous that she’ll… repeat their last meeting.
And speaking of the repeat, the plot in this had a very nice repetition of events. It truly emphasizes just how tight the fit is to be, but also shows that they may be able to work through problems (any guy who can still think favorably about a woman that has thrown up on his shoes twice is at least a little smitten).
In short, you’re improving already, and I like it. Work a little more on grammar, consult a thesaurus now and then (though this is optional, I am rather partial to this step), and fix your tenses, and this will be a fine read indeed!
| EliMerriman chapter 1 . 5/3/2010
I must say, this has some very peculiar punctuation. Though this story is much better as far as general editing goes, I would like to point out that spell-check is not God. Or even a high-school English teacher. As far as the machine is concerned, "there" is still spelled properly even when denoting possession, as is "your", even when "you are" doing something.
I would also like to be more specific about "stream of consciousness." With the way that your writing is styled, it seems that you simply wrote what came to your mind, without too much thought about where the next paragraph, or sentence, was headed. Considering the fact that this story actually DOES go somewhere, it is a little unfair to format the paragraphs like this.
This could be easily rectified with just a little transition. Instead of being so terse (for example: "Wearing a midnight blue dress. With rhinestones going along the V neck"...)you could expound upon a thought in the same sentence : "Wearing a midnight blue dress, with rhinestones going along the V neck"... This story is simply riddled with such sentence breaks that make absolutely no sense.
And now I’m going to end with the admirable aspects of the story (for there were a couple of those as well). Primarily, I would like to commend you for your ability to write without the passive voice. Many, many writers, even those who have no problem following all the other rules, are unable to avoid that voice as well as you. I also like the fact that I know much about the personality of Reese without having to be told his personality. It is all through his actions.
And that’s about all that I have to say. I pray that you continue with the journey of writing improvement, and look forward to watching you grow as a writer.
| XxCaptainKoalaxX chapter 1 . 5/2/2010
Hey:) Nice story... Hope you can update soon...!