|Reviews for Nobody Does It Better|
| Darwin chapter 2 . 6/1/2010
Hey hey, told you I was interested enough to come back! I have a prediction here...early in the story and not yet well supported...(before I start reading this chapter) I think Carly is Project G...won't swear to it...
"Their mouths were dropped and full of teeth." Dropped? Drooped? I tripped hard on this...How about: "Their mouths were so full of long jagged teeth; their jaws would not close..."
"She fired twice(;) each time her body lurch(ed)back from the recoil." Or "She fired twice; her body lurching with the recoil of each shot."
"four of them visible from Luke's view" this doesn't quite work for me...how about: "four that Luke could see..." simple concise and conveys exactly what you're trying to say.
"firing the strange sound, apparently suppressing Carly from firing back" Hm: "emitting that strange sound with each shot, and apparently hindering Carly's ability to fire back."
"The man, now distinctly a robot," How does he know this? What gave it away?
"The car was now wheeling out of control towards the ground, and Carly was covering her eyes as they neared the ground." Again double use of the same word in the same sentence. How about: "The car was now out of control and Carly covered her eyes as the ground rushed up to meet them."
"grabbing out Carly" how about "plucking Carly from her seat."
The chase was truly chilling and thrilling in this episode. They were very lucky the other androids showed up when they did or it might have gotten a lot uglier!
| Darwin chapter 1 . 6/1/2010
Hello there, your sister put up your link on my forum and while I had somehow missed my notice before this, I just came across it again. So I thought I would come over here and take a look at it!
For a first chapter there is a lot of intriguing things going on. I like the premise you've established here and I am sufficiently interested in what "Project G" is that I would continue reading it.
Some things to Consider:
"Dr. Luke Grayson closed the notebook before him; it had been a long day for him." Drop "for him." That the day has been long for him is well implied by the sentence and it is redundant to actually write it.
"his father, had been murdered at the age of 58 just three days ago, and now Luke sat at his inherited home in the city of Charnel" Hm...technically correct, however, I tripped over this a bit...I think what it is, for me, is that he doesn't sound as if he's grieving but as if he's one of those kids who greedily takes what comes to him. I truly don't think that is how you're trying to portray him. Three days after a murder he is probably pretty strung out.
How about: "his father had been murdered three days before - barely fifty-eight years old, and now Luke was forced to sift through the detritus left by the crime. A difficult task - sitting in the house he'd been bequeathed - trying to sort out just what happened." You might even save the inheritance for later...
"His father had started so many projects and it hurt Luke to think his gifted father would never finish " Careful on heavy handed uses of the same word. Father is in here a lot...try to change it up. How about for the second one: "it hurt Luke to think such a brilliant mind would never get the opportunity to finish..."
"Carly (looked) across the room with no emotion other than a twitching in her left eye. "Very paranoid…He said he must finish it," Carly replied still (looking) back and forth." Look is a "weedy word" ie something often overused. Try using the thesaurus to come up with different variations of the word, glanced, Peeked, peering, staring, glaring...etc...they convey emotion as well as giving a reader a better idea of how the particular look appears.
"The b* is dead." Do you have your profanity filter on? I noticed several of the "harder" words are omitted like this one. Perhaps it's your Teen rating...not sure...funny because my story Michael is the same rating and it didn't do that (that I'm aware of)
I will tell you I am not a terrible fan of Head-hopping. We go from Luke to Carly and back again several times with no warning. That may confuse your readers as to who is speaking and what is happening. Though it is pretty well delineated here, you may run into someone who doesn't follow it properly.
Don't get me wrong, I used to write the exact same way, I wanted the reader to know everything that was going on with everyone...I learned that it is much better storytelling to limit it to a "main" view.
Luke would be the logical subject POV, but it might prove more interesting if it were from the Android (Carly's) point of view. There would be more mystery if it were Luke, because Carly barging in to save him would be a big surprise.
Up to you.
The premise is a good one, and grammatically I didn't see much wrong with this. Props to your beta...
As with all of my reviews these are only suggestions to tighten up the storytelling. You don't have to take my advice, but I'm willing to discuss the content of this review and more should you need clarification.
Have a great day...
| marinawings chapter 2 . 5/14/2010
I really like the way the story is going! You're doing a great job of developing the plot and characters. I'm getting really attached to your characters, and the mysteries of the plot have me intrigued. Keep up the excellent work!
| marinawings chapter 1 . 5/2/2010
Great start, Andrew! I really like the way you write the characters. Their actions, motivations, and emotions are very realistic (aside from the fact that some of them are robots). The plot is quite intriguing! I'm curious as to where this is going-and I look forward to task of beta-reading the rest of your chapters! So, anyways, great work! Your style is gripping and suspenseful, and the robot-filled world you have created really interests me. Keep up the good work!