|Reviews for Pharmakos|
| Yudue's Lover chapter 1 . 5/28/2010
I do feel that this is a good piece of work; and I can tell that there was a good amount of effort and thought put into this.
I can always appreciate writers that are not afraid to play with syntax. The syntax itself wraps this whole thing together in my opinion. But for the sake of constructive criticism, I will tell you that I feel that lines three and four are somewhat awkward with the diction.
“crossed legged and empty headed
for the last I-don't-know-how-long and I know He's been watching me.”
This is all in the same sentence but it seems somewhat too separated for the need of separation. Maybe if you reworded it in some way, for example:
“I’ve been sitting,
with crossed legs and an emptied head and
for that last I-don't-know-how-long I know He's been watching me.”
With a new wording like in this example, there is less awkwardness. When you put “crossed legged and empty headed” it just doesn’t sound right together when read aloud. I would suggest combining the lines closer with punctuation, use words like “and”, or just keep those two lines together.
I do feel the weight and the guilt throughout the piece. I love how the main character just downplays a bad situation he knows is serious. That can sometimes be a difficult thing to portray without just plain saying it and I think you did a wonderful job in that department.
I think you deserved winning with this piece and congratulate you. I hope you continue to find inspiration and continue writing good work like this.
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 5/21/2010
yay, you won! :D congrats!
firstly, i absolutely LOVE the style of this peice. it's so creative and unique and enchanting.
"be honest, honestly, this wasn't so bad at first." i enjoyed that sentence.
"she's a symphony; the first movement of my allegro con brio and just as soon as she begins, I want to drop kick that stereo." fabulous metaphor
"Why can't you ever take responsibility for yourself?
I honestly can't say anything to improve this peice. It flows beautifully and even though it's not conventional it's definitley works flawlessly. Your character is so intruiging and complicated. i love it. the only thing was the last stanza:"I've got a needle in my vein and your life force in my heart
and it's still all black, all black in my head." i'm not entirely sure why you put that in there, but i don't think it's necessary and sort of takes away effect from the last line.
Other than that. great job and congrats on a well deserved win! :)
Fatbird :) :) :)
| Bakatora chapter 1 . 5/17/2010
The opening right off the back pulled me in. Although considering that your first sentence is actually one word, and the one following that was only two, those three words you chose held enough mystery to make me want to continue reading.
Your style of writing is also superb, especially with your descriptive language and your word choice. I'll admit, I am not a big fan of using slashes "/" in actual text, but the way it was done in this story didn't bother me too much.
Another thing I like to note, was your use of bold and italics. Using this style of technique is something I always enjoy, but only if the author can pick the right words to bold, italicize, etc. Luckily for you however, you picked the right ones! They really help put more emphasis on certain words and make them flow more natural.
As for your ending, I loved it! It not only left me wanting to read more, but it actually made me a little sad that there wasn't anything more to read. It has a sort of finale feeling that left me desperately hoping for a chapter 2. This was an excellent story!
| firefly114 chapter 1 . 5/11/2010
At first, the line structure was a bit confusing, but after I got into it, it wasn't such a big deal. And then I decided that I liked it for the subject matter. I really like your word choice, some of the sentences sound a bit like song lyrics. You know, like the 3OH!3 - type thing where it's sort of conversational, slightly vulgar and blunt, and .. that kind of thing. yeah. I liked it!
| Daggerhart chapter 1 . 5/11/2010
Well, you've certainly made the piece feel disorienting and wild, mainly because of the prose. I have a feeling that this was your intention, but it also is a confusing read.
I disliked the way you've written it; it reads much like a poem, when it should be a story. At first I thought I went to the wrong Review Game Topic. I suggest you write the story in a different form. It's descriptive and sets a good mood but reads too much like a poem.
Good, descriptive read, it's just confusing.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 5/9/2010
O_O Again you capture me with your wonderful poetry prose style. I got your theme I think, abuse? Right in time for Mother's Day too...haha. I like the different styles of what you're doing with the bold, the italics and the flow. Where you break up the sentences is always right at the right moment and it's very unique in that respect. I like that you capitalize "He" because it comes with all sorts of different religious connotations too, in making that "He" god-like. It's very frightening. It seems my prompt led to a lot of horror stories this month. Again, just in time for the May flowers and Mother's Day. Anyway. Per usual, amazing. Love it. Great voice, great imagery, great experimental innovations, great use of themes. And you took the prompt somewhere I haven't seen yet so far, too. Very best of luck with the WCC this month!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 5/9/2010
This was crazy and unique and totally senseless and I loved it. You have such an original way of putting things.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Eponine254 chapter 1 . 5/7/2010
This is a really interesting piece. You did a good job of capturing a sense of disorientation. This is very dark and ultimately very unsettling. I liked the little parenthetical remarks, but I don't think they need to be bolded.
Well done and good luck with the WCC!
| Kackex chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
Wow this is a bit confusing and it eventually came off as mother and son incest...
It's solid writing but a bit confusing...
Good luck in the WCC, Keep writing,
Would you kindly,
| Isca chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
First of all, the title of this piece pretty much gave me a heart attack. My forte is 'rhetorical pharmacology' (i.e. the way in which words are both 'toxic' and 'curative'). Anyways, 1,0 karmic points for that one, Dee. :)
"Everything is black in here." Nice allusion to the melancholic humour.
"And his pupils are all dilated." Dilatio. To expand or amplify the ear in order to increase the chances of persuasion. You see? I'm having a nerdgasm already.
"Allegro con brio." I love it when writers include musical diction.
"I can't tell if my voice carries through the blindness." How Nietzschean.
"It's perfectly natural to touch this way." Holy christ. This sounds like mother-son incest. This is mind-blowing stuff.
Good luck in the WCC this month! :)
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 5/4/2010
Goddammit, your writing hurts so good! The language, the emotion that come through is amazing.