|Reviews for Celestial Reign: Tears of the Sun|
| SandSoccer chapter 34 . 12/17/2013
Fuck... Those were my exact words well word, when I finished reading. I loved this story so much, the way you show them grow together and change and try to move on... Was absolutely amazing! I love this story and I'm off to read the sequel which I believe there is! I can't get over this story I feel like something is missing from my life now that it's over...lol that's so lame of me
| FallenCrest chapter 34 . 11/11/2013
Wow, Loved this story! Wish viktor would realize that Xol is really "Rosie" though. Maybe in the sequel I hope
| Dn chapter 34 . 10/28/2013
This was beautiful! I can totally see it as a movie or maybe an anime... I have read quite a few of your stories now, and you certainly have a gift, you have an splendid imagination and great ideas! please dont let that go to waste, show the world what you got!
| cressey chapter 34 . 10/25/2013
This was a great story. You have a hell of an imagination. :-) really enjoyed this.
| Dumb Katt chapter 34 . 7/30/2013
I know I did't review, BUT! I was so busy reading it kinda slipped my mind... I haven't checked yet for a sequel, but, oh, how lovely it already is. Can't wait to read it ;-;
P.S. - GREAT JOB! I love the world you created ! I might, kinda, wanna live there... :P
| inwardtransience chapter 34 . 7/30/2013
[She was willing to bet the lose and his helpless position was eating him up on the inside too.]
[She figured that he gave up...]
[...too weak to fight with her...]
I would delete the "with"
[...to heal whatever the humans did to her...]
[He was sure that if his father made the offer...]
[She decided to go with the plan that she had the last time that she thought that she was done with the group.]
"she had had the" "she had thought"
[...as she realized what her friend just said...eyes pleading that she heard correctly.]
"had just said" "had heard"
[She did her best despite all the odds and she did a fantastic job...]
"had done her" "she had done a"
[...which was why she picked up on some of his speech patterns.]
"she had picked"
[...woman that seemed to so intent on destroying her.]
"seemed to be so"
Nope. Not gonna make me like Miss Olga even if Ileana helps it along. Not happening.
[...denying my feeling...]
[...but even she did not realize her feelings until being with Xol again.]
"had not realized"
[It just did not occur to me that I loved you...]
"had not occurred"
[...kiss Xol's soft lip.]
Kinda thin on narration again, but there was a lot of dialog, so that happens. I kind of like this chapter a little bit, I guess? I mean, I think it would have been more meaningful for Xol to choose Ileana over her tribe instead of just getting kicked out. But I suppose there's also meaning in her tribe recognizing what was going on and kicking her out for it. I don't know. I'm kinda conflicted about it. It felt like this was rushed a little bit, not in the sense of trying to write quickly to meet a deadline, but in the sense of tying up as many loose ends as possible in so few words. I did like the confident, warrior Xol quivering before Miss Olga. That was a nice touch. Not over it. The ending felt a little flat. Endings usually seem a little flat to me, so that's not a huge surprise. On second thought, I'm pretty ambivalent about this chapter.
Awkward writing. Thin narration. Littered with minor mistakes. Cheesy dialog. All kinds of things that would usually build in me disdain for a story.
But, for some reason, this is one of my favorite stories on FP. If not the.
The mythology is kinda interesting, I guess. The plot, while not entirely original, is still compelling enough to hold me. But I suppose the true draw for me in this story is a single character. I absolutely love Jin/Rose/Xol. She's actually probably one of my favorite characters in anything ever. For me, it's always either world building or characters that make a story for me, and it is Jin/Rose/Xol that, for me, carries this entire thing. Just the progression from Jin, to Rose, to Xol is just so...arrggghhh I can't even. It's just so interesting and compelling and heartbreaking and I love it. I wish I could make characters so complex.
So yeah. If this got a good rewrite and was published, it could easily make it onto the list of my favorite books ever. I would buy it (I very rarely buy books, usually borrow from libraries), and recommend it to all my friends. Actually, I've already recommend it to some of my friends on this site. No one bit though :/
Buuuut I know this is old and you're too focused on other things to give this a rewrite. Which to me, is a minor tragedy.
Now, maybe if someone were to come along and do the bulk of the grunt work with you calling all the shots... *wink wink nudge nudge*
It's okay, I'm kidding.
Kay, that's it. I'll probably do the sequel too, once I've done a little of my own work. Bye bye.
| inwardtransience chapter 33 . 7/30/2013
[...enjoyed going along with Xol's plans to rent out of their services...]
[...human as if that human was the one that used to pull his reins so long ago.]
"as if that human were"
[...replacing the happy chirps of birds that fled the area as soon as the attack began.]
"had fled" "had begun"
[The daijinn fought with their claws most than anything else.]
[He thought back to all of the time he saw his kin tortured and broken by these people.]
[...Xol was using the halt his attack against Viktor.]
[...to get the boy out of harms way immediately.]
Missing an apostrophe there.
["Mei," Yu said, still caught somewhat in awe.
"Yes?" Mei replied.
"That was singularly the sexiest thing I never saw a human do," Yu admitted.
Mei nodded. "I hope I never see it again," she agreed.]
That made me laugh pretty hard. Should probably be "I have never seen" but I'm not sure.
[...as if being a warrior was her true vocation.]
Personally, I don't like Ileana whipping out fighting skills from nowhere. I don't know why.
[...of the unfortunate bastard that she hit...]
"she had hit"
[...a balcony as if it was nothing.]
[...looking as if she was unleashed...]
[...even though the leather covering the hilt of his weapon.]
[...to taking an aimed shot at Garrick.]
[...would happen if she was in the same situation.]
[She would just have to do some other action if it did not work.]
"have to do something else if"
I didn't like this chapter. Now, usually I don't like fight scenes, even if they are well written. But this thing is pretty awkward, and filled with things I'm pretty sure would never happen in a fight. If things aren't "realistic" (I put it in quotes because fantasy), it interferes with my enjoyment. I understand that with how you set things up, this chapter had to happen. But it definitely could have been written better. The climax of this story to me is not this battle, but Xol and Ileana reuniting. This is just tying up loose ends. Very awkwardly, and a little poorly.
No offense, of course. I'll tell you more of my thoughts on it next chapter.
| inwardtransience chapter 32 . 7/29/2013
I'm home! Yay!
[She knew that Xol's first experience with their pack involved people hitting her.]
[...made them feel like they taught her a lesson.]
[...know that he wanted an explanation for just happened.]
"for what just"
[...to mention the horrible way that she went about it.]
[...across his thick chest as if he was offended...]
"as if he were"
Kinda feel bad for Ro :c
[Xol was reclining on the sofa in the Ileana's room...]
[One hand continues stroking Xol's cheek...]
[... from the way that Xol lunged at him four years ago...]
[...parading himself as if he was important.]
"as if he were"
[...parading about like the hero he wished to portray. ]
"portray himself as"
[...celebrate his returns because they knew it was expected. ]
"return" Although I suppose it's possible that's supposed to be plural.
[There were some had affection for him...]
"some who had"
[The lack of usual festivities could have blamed the fact...]
"have been blamed on the"
[...Garrick was grounding his teeth together...]
[...Garrick commented as he stood his full height.]
"he returned to his"
[... worse now than the last time she saw him.]
"she had seen him"
[He did not know that he would be so outraged...]
"He had not known he"
Those last paragraphs are a little awkward. The thing with Garrick laughing and not realizing he had killed the boy is just weird.
This was another chapter heavy on dialog, so the narration was pretty thin in places, but that's okay. I like how Xol handled the thing with Ro, although the whole thing just made me feel bad for Xol all over again xD Not the luckiest girl in the world. There were a few little slips in there that make it look like you rushed this out a little, but I got that feeling sometimes elsewhere too, just this time a little more intensely. If the goal of this chapter was for people to feel bad for Xol and Ro and to think that Garrick is a complete and utter monster, you've succeeded.
Onwards to the end!
| inwardtransience chapter 31 . 7/29/2013
[...but she believed that her little iris was aware of their feelings long before she ever considered the emotions possible.]
"had been aware" "had ever considered"
[...about the things that she found while exploring the palace...]
[...threaten Mei to get smaller daijinn to release her.]
Missing a "the"
[They started moving down the hall again, not Ro was not going gently.]
That is very awkward. There are various ways to fix that.
[...decent point or even when he used brain to solve anything.]
[...trying to gauge if she got through the fierce warrior.]
[...was acting as if it was such a surprise.]
"as if it were"
[It would explain why they never spoke about it; there were never even whispers about...pet when she was with the Princess...It took almost a year for Xol to show signs of believing it...How wrong she was!]
"had never spoken" "there had never even been" "had been with" "they had made sure" "had taken" "wrong she had been"
[...earning an immediate glare for him.]
[...that something was missing from Xol's life.]
[...no matter what good Xol was able to do. Nothing was ever fulfilling enough to put a spark in Xol's eyes...]
"had been able" "had ever been fulfilling"
[...as she did in the past few hours.]
[...wrapped in the mushy heaven...]
[...after their relationship changed.]
[...day four years ago when Garrick was first brought into their lives, the way that Xol leaped at him with all abandon.]
"had first been brought" "had leaped"
That situation with Ro sure is awkward, ain't it?
This chapter was good enough. I don't have any particularly strong feelings about it. Yeah, there's Ileana/Xol being adorable. Yeah, there's that disaster with Ro. Yeah, none of the humans seem to realize who Jin/Rose/Xol is, which is kind of hilarious. I mean, how many tiny daijinn with black and red hair do you see? Oh, I just remembered; that is so adorable that Viktor completely forgot Jin/Rose/Xol was different than other people. I don't know why, I just find that cute. But anyway. Chapter good enough for it's purpose, no strong feelings.
Time for me to go home now.
| inwardtransience chapter 30 . 7/29/2013
[...she was dreaming or if she managed to die and go to heaven.]
The kiss is over-romanticized again. I guess it is justifiable, considering the situation, and what they had just been through. But I still think it's a little weird.
[It was everything that she expected from a show of affection involving the Princess.]
[...until I thought I lost you forever.]
"I had lost"
[...that kissing was definitely not going to be one time thing.]
Missing an "a"
[She felt like such a sneak for doing such a thing, playing her friend, manipulating her friend, but not wanting to admit her feeling to herself. I'm a horrible person.]
Good. Making progress. Oh, and that should be "feelings"
[...as it was the only to explain why she felt like her insides were being boiled.]
"the only way to"
[...catch her breath and dose the inferno spreading through her.]
[...back to where she left off...]
[...that extended far beyond what she remembered.]
I would say "where"
[...stop the wonderful torment...]
"stop to the"
[Ileana nodded, just to show that she heard.]
[...was receiving and finish what she started.]
[..knew that no one ever made her feel that way.]
"no one had ever made"
I think it's funny that I was reading this in class.
This was a lot of sexiness, and I've already told you how I am about sexiness. The narration was good enough, but the little bits of dialog seemed odd to me (other than the part about the marks). Do people really talk like that during sex? I mean, I wouldn't really know. I haven't had a whole lot of sex, and the sex I have had has been...um, strange. I probably shouldn't be talking about that in a review. So I don't really know what to think of this, or even if any of my input would be helpful. So I'll just say it was written well enough, and leave it at that.
And Xol makes me giggle. And I'm still in class xD Awwkwwaaaaaarrrrrd
| inwardtransience chapter 29 . 7/29/2013
[...needed to do what she came to do, she ordered herself.]
[...she once again faced the door, posed to knock...]
I think "poised" would work better
[...the person that she grew up with, the person that she saw more than her own parents...]
"had grown up" "had seen"
[...but few people tested those orders on the regular basis.]
Not "the", "a"
[Her stomach did tumbles that she was certain should not possible...]
Missing a "be"
[...almost as if it was wrapping itself...]
"as if it were"
[...feeling as if she was being brushed off...]
"as if she were"
[...as she took a moment to ready herself to explain what happened.]
"what had happened"
[Back when she feared that Rose was dead...]
[And then she recalled the scolding that she got from Fry when the cook smelled the Princess on her one day.]
"had gotten" "had smelled"
You use the face dropping to floor / falling off thing rather frequently.
[What had they done worth her being killed for?]
"done that was worth"
[She wondered if the King found out about their trips into the city, but those happened in the day...]
"had found out" "had happened"
[here were times, even before she left...]
[...that escaped Ileana when they were together.]
"had escaped" "had been"
[...the taste of the Princess would settle on her tongue and there was nothing that she could do to banish. When that happened, everything that she ate or drank that day would taste like Ileana.]
I get that sometimes. Of course, I absolutely hate it xD Weee asexuality
[...to tell herself that she got over the Princess...]
[...everything that she shied away from so many years ago...]
"had shied away"
[...and she knew that needed to do that thanks to the past few years.]
[...she waited for something that she wanted for years now.]
My heart was racing for most of this chapter. Just all of the tension. I can't even. The narration is better than it had been before, too. I'm amazed I managed to make as many corrections as I did, with how much I was getting absorbed. And then you have to end the chapter like that. So not cool. It was a good chapter, I liked it. Now I'm going to the next one before my heart explodes.
| inwardtransience chapter 28 . 7/29/2013
[...best friend she was able to get back to where...]
"had been able"
[...golden eyes that watched her back...]
[Why did she not come back to me? Why did she stay with them?]
"had she not" "had she stayed"
[...to burn as if her stomach was expelling...]
"as if her stomach were"
[Nothing came from except another hollow sound that she knew was a sob.]
Either put a "her" after "from" or just get rid of "from"
[...while her tears slid to the floor, causing tiny puddles at her feet.]
"forming" would be better than "causing"
[...remembering when she lived there, following in the shadow of the one person in her life that noticed her.]
"had lived" "had noticed"
[She quelled down any questions of why she did not receive her usual embrace...]
"she had not received"
[...but she was sure that it was more to it than that...]
"sure there was more"
[...somehow the teen came back with the same old...]
"had come back"
[...protective shell that she built around herself through out the years.]
[...she was led to believe what she did was the only way...]
[For so long, she thought that she lost everyone when she ordered Ileana...]
"had lost" "had ordered"
[..eyes in shame that she just assumed Fry...]
"had just assumed"
[...while adorably precious, just was not the same.]
[Fry wanted to smack younger woman and call her an outright liar.]
Missing a "the"
[When she was younger, Fry never really complimented her. Sure, Fry tried her best to make sure Xol did not feel the pain of being the pariah of the palace daijinn, but it was never through compliments. It was through reassurances and gentle caresses.]
"she had been younger" "had never really complimented" "had tried" "had never been through compliments, but through reassurances"
I'm trying to type quietly; I'm in class O_O God, this class is boring.
Denser narration, very nice. That bit at the beginning with Ileana is almost making me like her. Omg you have a soul, no way. It was a little awkward in places, but not enough to really detract from the story. And the part with Fry, while, yes, a little awkward, was so sweet I entirely lost track of what was happening in class. It's okay, I didn't miss anything. It just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Xol, you adorable slave-freeing little girl you. I don't know. It was just sweet and adorable and I liked it. So yeah.
[Ileana and Xol have their showdown.]
Is it a sexy showdown? I'm betting it's a sexy showdown.
| inwardtransience chapter 27 . 7/29/2013
[...smiling crocked like a demon.]
[...not let the chance tease their alpha pass...]
Missing a "to"
[He suspected it would because it could almost a hundred people...]
"could hold almost"
Sorry, Ro. You're gonna lose.
[...brought back thoughts that haunted her for the past four years.]
This chapter was certainly heavy on the dialog, but the narration wasn't sacrificed as much as you usually do, so that's an improvement. There were also very few mistakes this time. I like how you don't make everything instantly all better when Ileana and Xol see each other again. I know a lot of writers would have been tempted to do that, and it's good that you refrained. More realistic. And how Xol has herself convinced that this is entirely to get Garrick. Ha ha, yeah right. So, a few minor touches I liked, fewer mistakes, and advancing plot. All good.
/Now/ it's time to go to class.
| inwardtransience chapter 26 . 7/29/2013
Wow. I am so early to school. Know what that means? More reviews! :D
[If only I was more like Father.]
"if I were" But since this is a child speaking, I think you can let this one go.
[...that came to him mind were four-footed canines.]
I /think/ this should be "was" because "thought" is singular.
[...so Viktor never had a single, lifelong caretaker like Ileana.]
"had never had"
[...only wonder what she just allowed.]
"she had just"
[...was sure had to be a masterpiece...]
"had to have been"
[...and a working fountain to greet those that entered.]
Nice touch. I remember Mei complaining about that.
[They are who people call dogs? Is it because of the tails only? That hardly seems fair.]
[...much clearer than the other two that he heard.]
"two he had heard"
This was a pretty good chapter. The density of narration was better, and there were fewer mistakes, all minor. There was that subtle touch with the fountain I loved, and I also like how Viktor doesn't recognize Xol. As he wouldn't, what with his age. And, well, she's changed quite a bit, so. It's a chapter that had to happen for plot reasons, and it was rather well put together at that. So yay.
I think I can do one more before I have to go to class.
| inwardtransience chapter 25 . 7/29/2013
Mmmmm morning coffee. At two pm.
[Stop being so modest. It's sickening for someone so perfect.]
[...disrepair long before they arrived.]
[Heaven help us all the day that Xol decided that she cared about some personal issue...]
That should probably be "decides"
[She was glad that Xol was not so detected from her job...]
I'm assuming that's supposed to be "distracted"
[The chair appeared as if it was swallowing the petite woman.]
"as if it were"
[Kwen was still the same mountain of young man as he was...]
I think I would say "as he always had been"
[I mean, you were the one that were all for us...]
[Kwen snorted as if she deeply insulted him.]
"had deeply insulted"
[ It looked exactly the same from when they found the place...]
"as when they had found"
[She found a place that she knew a community would be able to thrive.]
"had found" I think the rest in that paragraph can stay the way they are. Matter of perspective.
[..believed something divine led her to the body of water...]
[ Still, they did not show much appreciate for Xol...]
[...had been hard to convince when Xol proposed that they should hire themselves out to humans.]
[Everyone took that as going back to slavery...]
[Yes, there were a couple attempts at each...]
[...but there was a suspicious thin streak of white workings its way through the left side...]
A decent chapter. The narration was thicker in some places, which I appreciated. And I like Xol's most recent identity. But in a lot of ways this chapter feels like a recap. Recapping things we haven't seen, but still a recap. It just seems a little unnecessary and awkward. Like that bit with Mei and Yu talking about stuff. I can't imagine them actually doing that if it weren't for the purposes of the recap. Things like that. Of course, I barely know them, so I could have their personality wrong, but still. But the quality of the writing was better than usual, save for a few minor mistakes, so it's not a huge deal. I'm not sure if it's a chapter I would have written, but it stands well enough.
Okay, time to go to school.