|Reviews for Play the Game Revised|
| LuckyStar1881 chapter 11 . 2/1/2011
I absolutely LOVE this story! I would say more, but I can't wait to read Somebody to Love revised, then PTG original, then SBTL original! :D your stories are really addicting! I love your works!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 6 . 9/4/2010
Wow, it seems that things are getting rather rough here, huh? Sucks to be Robyn in this chapter to me. I really feel sad for her in terms of all the random bs she's have to go through. Anyway, I just have this to say. I know what you're trying to say in terms of the self defense issue, but I truly doubt you needed to include that flashback since a brief mention would be enough. To me, that particular part is unneeded. Of course you might have a fixed intention in doing this part, so I'll be interested to hear from you in this respect. As for the part on Dave, I really like the way you portray her hate, but maybe you could have created a more complicated show of emotions within her since after all, he's part of the family. This is especially so when he faced off with their father. Apart from that nothing much to say here. :)
| datonman chapter 1 . 9/1/2010
So far I'm liking this story. It has a dawson's creek feel to me when I read it. That's a good thing. We all need drama generally speaking. I like how you're going with this.
| seredemia chapter 2 . 8/30/2010
...Does you IQ really drop when you stress out..? That must mean my IQ is probably zero by now... I don't see anything wrong with Harrison... But I suppose, Robyn just finds it hard to trust people. I don't blame her. I'm like that... So, I'm liking Robyn's character because she's rather realistic, and it helps that I can relate to her as well, hehe... I loved the description of snow as well. Snow is indeed pretty... and clean and pure... Aside from when it's covered in mud...
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 5 . 8/29/2010
Well, that's a good job of portraying Robyn's thoughts here. I really like the way she's going on a contradiction in terms of her attitude towards Harrison. It's like she's thinking one thing and doing another. Humane nature I guess. But I'm actually wondering if there's any space of denial otherwise within her where Harrison is concerned. I know she's been through that phase with Nate, but humans being humans will tend to hold onto things that they know they should throw away. And to think that the human race in general should be much clever than that. I guess it's basically a case of paradox psychology in every one of us. Anyway, interesting scenario on Katie on the second half. At least I believe part of the focus is on her since you're using it to focus on Robyn's thoughts where her sister is concerned. However I think you could have played up the romance opinions part especially if your intention was really to create a partial take on Katie's case. Also interesting snippet of Robyn's past with Dave. I really like the way you build up the tension. However I think you could have played up the animosity card here since you're going for a showdown. That part of the flashback would be an effective outlet via the aspect of their father. Apart from that, nothing much to say here. Off for now. :)
P.S: A Ranger's Tale is up with a new chapter. Yeah I sound like a review stalker. Apologies in advance if I screwed up here aka making you feel like being stalked. -.-
| seredemia chapter 1 . 8/26/2010
Well, this is a good start so far. I like how you introduced us to Robyn. She seemed average at first. You know, like the girl next door who vows she wouldn't fall in love. then we found out a bit more about her and her mother... I felt sorry for them... I like how Robyn too care of her mom and comforts her... I thought it was sweet. Anyway, this was a good first chapter. I didn't find any grammar mistakes or typos, so that's good!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 8/19/2010
Herro there. Hopefully ya still know me. In case you dunno, it's Mr Ragna Badguy with a new pen name. :) Anyway, my brain is a bit messed up of now, so some of what I'm saying might not make sense. If there will be anything you want to clarify with me on the review, feel free to do so via PM or review reply. :) Okay, so basically I can say that this chapter was pretty strong where Robyn's character is concerned. You did well in letting the readers know that she's in two minds over her father's return which was made stronger via the flashbacks. I'm not too sure where she would go in terms of reconciling with her father, so that would be something worth looking out for.
But I feel that you could have done a part on her father's interactions with her grandmother so as to make his assumed repentance gain more ground in terms of impact and credit to the reader. Also the part where Robyn reacted negatively towards seeing Harrison buying the gift did throw me back quite a lot. It's like when she saw that scene, shouldn't her first reaction be something along the line of "he must be buying it for me"? Of course it's been quite some time since I've reviewed this one, so I might be missing something. Either way, I guess maybe you'll need to clarify this issue with me. Maybe I did miss out something I'm not supposed to. It's possible because my memory span sucks. -.-
Also I'm not too sure if you've already done it, but I think you could have created a clear show of Robyn's animosity towards her brother since he has been creating shit for her family ever since her father walked out. Of course she might have felt sympathy towards him, but after N years of drunken rage, I truly doubt that feeling would have remained at least in the entirety. That plus I guess she would have known by now that he was playing a sabotaging game where her father's efforts in reconciling with the family was concerned, hence another legit reason for her to hate him. Of course I might have missed out certain stuff in this aspect again, so feel free to correct me if so. :)
| deefective chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
Hmm. Well, you have a good, solid introduction here. You give us background on the main character and the things that make her do what she does and act the way she does. I liked the way you introduced her family situation, and did it with a scene instead of a flashback or simply mentioning it. That allowed you to illustrate a lot. That's great. I get the feel of what kind of character Robyn is supposed to be, though not completely. I think this is mostly because you do a lot of telling instead of showing. You should let her actions speak for herself instead of you explaining. Also, this story is in third person but I really wish you had written it in first. I think Robyn's voice would have come out much clearer and more forcefully. But other than that, nicely done.
| i88 chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
I really like your writing style in this story. You capture a certain rawness in the character Robyn that makes me relate and totally get this character in an instant. You had me at the bit with the ciggarette. Don't know why but you just did. keep up the great work
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 7/9/2010
Herro there. Mr Ragna Badguy with a new nick here. :) Well, I really seeing a hell of a big difference here compared to the previous write. Firstly, I don't remember the stand off between Robyn's mum and dad at the given moment, which is a good thing. Another bonus would be the fact that the extra scene between Robyn and Harrison really spice things up. Really I'm seeing a vast improvement here for sure. However, I felt that the scenario on Robyn's dad coming back could have been better from Robyn's POV. Yes you did portray her thoughts aided with some flashbacks. But what about emotions? You did dhow them, but I think you could have created a stronger clash of conflicting emotions within her. Try to create a direct show of it. Let the readers know the nature and extent of Robyn's state of emotions at that very moment where animosity, relief, joy and resentment all jumbled together within her, not to mention the possible results of such a state of emotional confusion. Apart from that, nothing to say. Sorry I can't say anything much. Too hungry to think up on anything more. x.x
P.S: Just to clarify whether you're still around here, can you send me a review reply or PM, so that I know whether you're still active here?
| Devil's Playground chapter 2 . 6/17/2010
I compared this side-by-side with the original and I really like the changes you've made. Especially in the beginning, I noticed a lot of subtle changes in wording that have really improved it. The writing flows a lot better, and the pacing is improved a lot as well. I didn't notice any errors at all throughout this, which is great. It seems very polished.
I don't know if I mentioned this in any of my other reviews on this version or the original, but I really love how original this story is. In both this and Minor Talent you manage to put a spin on the typical romance story. Usually romance can't hold my attention for very long, but I absolutely love your writing. I love how Robyn is such a strong, non-cliche female lead, and her ideas on love and such are original. Even though she has a bad past, she's not the "wilting flower" kind of character that I really hate. She's a tough girl, and when she does have her moments of vulnerability, it feels believable and I'm able to sympathize with her rather than roll my eyes. I also really like that you chose to start the story at this point in the romance between her and Harrison, rather than exploring the beginning of the romance and showing it blossom, like so many love stories do. The storyline is creative and original and it really pulled me in, despite me being so non-romantic.
I loved the snow scene in the original and I love it even more here. I like that you kept the core ideas but improved the flow/nitpicky things in the writing. Really great narrative choices.
And I think the scene at the end is very effective. It's a stark contrast to the rest of the chapter, and also really effective. It shows a lot about Robyn and her father.
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
I remember reading some of the original a while ago. I went back and glanced over it after reading this, and I think it's a big improvement! It seems like you've added a lot of little details / new description that makes it more believable and more emotionally impactful, and I really like it.
Robyn is a strong character, and the first chapter does a good job of showing her personality right off the bat. I love the use of the pictures to show the difference in her mother, as well. They really show the transition. It's interesting that the turning point was the birth of her son, too; usually having children is a joyful experience, but here it seems like it ended up sucking the life out of her. The transition is realistic and sad.
I love the lines beginning with snap, slam, and a shit - very effective, the alliteration works well there.
[Robyn was the one who had to play carer] - "Carer" is kind of an awkward-sounding word. Maybe change it to caretaker?
I love the memories of Robyn and her mother, too. The one of her losing her virginity in particular is very strong, and really shows what their relationship was like.
You do switch into present tense and back again a couple of times towards the end. These are the sentences with tense changes that I found:
[Robyn tries to convince her mother that he doesn't mean it...] through [...singing for an all girl punk rock band.] is present.
[The house is now silent...] is present.
[Everything about the young woman is so different...] through [...screams of power and love and joy.] is present.
[Knowing exactly who took the photo, she looks...] through [...their love practically radiates from the picture.] is present.
[She knows the other photos...] is present.
Overall, I think this is definitely an improvement from the first draft. The story was powerful and interesting in the original draft, but this gives it more depth and really makes me believe it.
| waitingforwhatever chapter 4 . 6/16/2010
I like that there's more detail in this version than in the other, and how you italicized the flashbacks. When you're doing the flashbacks, you should be a bit more specific with them-I got a bit confused on the one where Dave was yelling at his dad. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
| waitingforwhatever chapter 3 . 6/12/2010
Wow, pretty intense chapter. There are a couple of typos, but not too many. When you were describing her dad, you put: Though she could still fear and trepidation shining through, uncertainty and worry...but I think you meant she could still feel fear and trepidation shining through. I liked the end part. It was sweet. It also makes me concerned though, about what other conflicts might come up. Also I wonder what all the flashbacks mean? Hm...
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 6/9/2010
Yowza. I'm finally back again after a failed period of erratic reviewing. Actually, I'm still in a failed state, so nothing to boast about here. :S Anyway I can really see that you've really added some good stuff in this chapter here. For starters, you did well in characterizing Robyn in this chapter whereas I don't think I've seen this move from you in the previous write. Good job in creating a sense of paradox in her character where the whole boy-girl issues are concerned. Also I think the ending part on her grandmother(?) is something new you've put up here. I might be wrong though, so correct me if that's the case. But that part of the plot is surely one interesting outlet to develope the aspect of her father's character in the story in a more realistic sense. Just a question here. If I've asked this before, I'm sorry. Have you ever tried doing things from Harrison's view? Or maybe even exploring and developing him as a vital character when you deem fit? Anyway, all in all I don't find any problem with this chapter apart from the fact that when you actually did the brief flashback, I think you could have done a brief insight on Robyn's feelings just to make the emotional factor much more realistic. And again, so sorry for being uber late in reviewing. I really have a mountain load of review IOUs in my hands right now. :(
P.S: You don't have to pay me back immediately for this review if I've paid you back back prior to this one. I'm still trying to plan out which story I'm going to update. Brain has been a bitch as of late. x.x
Add P.S: My friend mentioned a David Cameron PMQ on June 2. What is it about exactly and what are your views on that?