Reviews for Fatal Sparks
ASingleRavensCry chapter 3 . 1/22/2011
Have I mentioned how much I loved the originality of this story? This chapter has me so hooked, it's crazy. Especially Taryn's unique relationship with this cop. I LOVED that whole interaction, so much. Taryn's pretty B.A., and I can't wait to read more!
goldenleaves chapter 3 . 1/20/2011
Amazing much? Haha, great story!
goldenleaves chapter 2 . 1/20/2011
This is really interesting! Amazing! *see, I like using exclamation marks*
thefaultinourpatronus chapter 3 . 1/19/2011
The great thing about this story is that the characters are not 2D; they seem very much real and easy to relate with. Like Taryn- She's easy to sympathize with.

I hope you keep writing, and I really hope you update soon! (:

x mandy
Touched By Insanity chapter 3 . 12/16/2010
WOW! This is FANTASTIC! I love the syntax (sentence structure for all those weirdo's on this site who don't know what that means)And your vocabulary is well used. The protagonist really seems to jump off the page, very realistically portrayed. The story line seems to be, not completely unique, but far enough off the beaten track that it will never be considered cliche, i enjoyed this very much. Continue the good work.
thewhimsicalbard chapter 3 . 12/10/2010
About a month ago, you sent me a PM, asking me to look at this story. I haven't forgotten about it. That's why I'm here now, taking another look at your story.

This chapter is essentially split into two parts: the first is about an awkward, angst-ridden teenager who longs for caffeine and possibly something trivial like Lady Gaga music, while the second part is about a very deep, insightfully designed character who makes a real mistake.

Honestly, the first half of your story, whatever you were hoping to do with it, was a waste of space. You could have written it, with little to no actual change in the plot or character development, as follows: "I woke up the next morning and made myself coffee. As soon as I heard movement from my little brother Harlan's room, I made myself scare; I didn't particularly care for any interaction with him that morning, even though he and I were the only people in my family who had anything resembling a real relationship. I grabbed my shoes and walked out the front door."

It's probably not good that I summed up the entire first half in maybe fifty words. You could just as easily have introduced Harlan later, and instead focused on the major event that occurs in this chapter, which is her encounter with the police officer. He's a great character by the way; I hate him. He's pompous, arrogant, self-important, rude, symbolic of abused authority, and he cackles. What is there to like about him?

Great job on the second half of the story. That, better than anything you've written so far, SHOWS how Taryn is torn within herself, how she's this walking box of contradictions; she can and can't keep herself in control, she wants and doesn't want to kill the guy. Great work. Seriously, if you continue to write like that, you will be selling novels.

Aside from the first half of the chapter getting almost nothing done, there's only one other thing I want to point out: show, don't tell.

Taryn often explicitly states how she is feeling. She says she feels angsty and pubescent and hormone addled, in so many words. That is cheap writing. As the writer, you have to SHOW your readers that Taryn is angsty through her dialogue with other characters and through her actions. Teenage angst isn't something that teenagers typically recognize that they have, especially not teenagers who lack a very keen sense of self (hint: Taryn does NOT have a keen sense of self). Teenage angst more often comes from brooding on the immediate surroundings and personal dilemmas.

Food for thought.

Keep up the good work. I can tell you've been working very hard to get this story out there from how many reviews you have. It'll pay off.

Hope to see more soon!

-thewhimsicalbard
lookingwest chapter 3 . 12/6/2010
For opening in the first chapter with such an interesting concept of transhumans, I was a little surprised by the ordinary going abouts of the very first part of this second chapter. If this were an opening to an actual story, I'd say it didn't work at all and was very boring, but because I have the first chapter and I kind of know what's going on in the background of this breakfast scene, it makes it a little more intriguing. I think here, you really showcase that life is ordinary for a transhuman-at least, that's what I took from it. There wasn't much here that popped out as extraordinary-it was just an ordinary conversation, and if anything, it almost went on too long at the end when they talked about getting caffeine... I just think it started at a pretty slow pace for the first part, I wanted something more interesting to pull me further into the story like the first chapter did, but here, I'm not finding what I wanted.

Oh, and I agree with other reviewers that the PMS joke is a bit tiring.

So in this second part we've switched into third person omniscient? Or is it limited? I feel like we're both in Taryn's third person and Anya...it was a little jarring to switch into third person when you've been in first person, but I think once we settle in, it works. I'm just wondering what prompted the switch...

So Taryn is our first person narrator? Interesting technique to reveal it!

...Or not, wait. We've switched back into first person...and we've started with the same line that the first one ended. Does that mean that the switch into third person scene was happening elsewhere in this story while our narrator here is experiencing what the third person Taryn experienced and one point? I'm a little confused, I think also because it picks up two lines before the first part ends... I think I see what you're trying to do here, inject a new scene into the primary scene and do it in third person, and resume that primary scene...I'm just not sure if that transition works for me-there's too much mystery to the middle secondary scene.

...and then I noticed that it wasn't Harlan at all.

-Style: would omit "at all"

There would be absolutely no happy place for Taryn this morning. Uh-uh.

-Oh! So our first person narrator *is* Taryn? Which means instead of happening in a present time, that middle section is either from the past, a memory, or it's the future, and our primary scene is in the past.

I liked the dialogue between Crane and Taryn, I think it really picked up the pace of the chapter, and the tension really built up, making for a pretty interesting development. Things started tying together, so I liked that too, and I'm glad that questions didn't go unanswered.

Overall, it was a bit of a slow start for me, but in the last part, it really picked up and I liked it a lot! I think you're dealing with the plot and moving it along quite well!
Xaphrin Jac chapter 3 . 11/30/2010
I wished I had a more thorough and intense review for you, but it's really coming together. I think you've done a great job pulling everything together and really giving us this story piece by piece. There's a lot going on in the background that you've hinted at, but you're still skirting around them being the focus. It's teetering on being annoying for me, but that could be because I'm impatient... probably. However, I am super excited to see how you bring everything to light. It's gonna be fantastic. I cannot express how good I think this will be once everything gets pulled together. Keep me updated.

Xaph
Loss of Words chapter 3 . 11/28/2010
Hey! This is a review on just the first part of your chapter, because my internet is gonna be taken away! D:

So: I liked the feeling of the first part of the chapter. I could see the kitchen, and I could feel the grogginess of the main character.

I felt like I couldn't see Harlan moving around, though - there wasn't a whole lot of description about what he was doing, or how he was sitting/standing. Adding that would make the scene a bit more vivid, methinks.

Other thoughts as I read:

"there was a small click, and the kitchen light began searing my retinas"

- I'm assuming that the light blinked on instantly. I feel like the sentence needs to reflect that instantaneous blinding effect. The line that comes to my mind is, "there was a small click, and the kitchen light blinked on, flooding my vision and blinding me. My retinas were on fire."

I've noticed that a few authors have a habit of making a lot of PMS jokes. While I don't find the topic offensive in the least, I HAVE found it to be a bit... tiring. And in this case, the "PMSing" joke doesn't really seem to fit. Some joke, yes. PMS, no. Hm, how about something along the lines of,

"'Oh dang. That really hurt, you should be careful, you almost killed me!' the voice of my brother lightly mocked from the entrance to the kitchen."

Why is the coffee cold if it was microwaved less than 10 minutes ago?

(Also note that the two suggested lines in here are just what come to my mind as I read the chapter; feel free to steal them, modify them, ignore them, be inspired by them, whatever.)
lookingwest chapter 2 . 11/28/2010
I once received advice from one of my professors to never start a story with an "alarm clock" opening, and though it's more of a rule for a short story, I'm not sure that I even liked it here either. I don't like it because I feel like we're starting too early in the story, if that makes sense. I think a story should start sort of-as late as possible. And it ended up dragging a bit because it was well, a bit boring. Everyone wakes up in the morning, everyone experiences dressing, washing, dragging themselves awake-it didn't capture me or pull me in completely because I wasn't seeing anything new. I also think there could be a more creative way to describing what a character's features and looks are like without doing the cliche "I stared at the mirror" trick, and I would have liked to have seen more there in regards to coming at the description from a different angle.

Boredom aside with that first part, once you introduce the concept of the transhuman, things start to get pretty cool, haha. I liked that entire bit, I felt the explanation might be a bit on the heavy side but it's probably needed to develop the plot and the main character. With this "transhuman" idea this story could go a lot of different places, and I think it's cool that you also coupled it with a first person narrative and one with a distinct voice as well!
xOneLastingImpressionx chapter 2 . 11/23/2010
I've only read the first chapter so far, but I like it. Honestly, I really like Taryn's personality. :) Even if it sounds strange and she and her personality weren't exactly meant to be liked or admired when you first wrote this, I do like her personality..and who she is though I've yet to really understand her or find out more about her. Anyway, I hope you keep writing and updating this. Oh and good luck. :)
berley chapter 3 . 11/22/2010
I need to go back and read the first chapter of this story, it seems pretty interesting.

From what I gathered in this chapter: I hate when guys make PMS comments, so I probably would of freaked out at Harlan at the beginning. Haha. I thought it was a little random that you changed tenses in the middle of the chapter, but I’m assuming that you have your reasons for it. Like is said, when I have the time to go back and read the first chapter I can give you a bit better of a review.

Anyways, I liked the flow of your writing in this chapter. The dialog was pretty good as well. Everything read easier, and it wasn’t too hard to adjust to the tense changes. The only thing I would mention was that the chapter was a little long, which can be a little daunting for some readers on this site. I was a bit overwhelmed when I first saw how long this was, but since it flowed so well everything read pretty easily, which I said before. Haha.

Good job!
Sasha W chapter 3 . 11/21/2010
Huh this chapter was pretty exciting! At first I was confused on the sudden shift to third person, but at the end of that segment a little light bulb went on in my head and I got it. I would suggest that adding detail would be extremely helpful, especially when it comes to setting. What does the community look like exactly? All I could really get was there were houses and a swing set. The idea and pace have still kept my interest. I would like to see where you take this. :3
Sasha W chapter 2 . 11/21/2010
Wow! This is a really awesome idea. America producing Transhumans for their own gain. Super ingenious. :3 Love it. I like how human you make this entire situation seem when it would otherwise be too depressing. The little bits thrown in, such as how the character is there to be experimented on yet she lives in a normal-ish room and how she turns her head to keep from being blinded by the bathroom light make her a relatable person and I can see myself in her place. I didnt like a lot of the formatting. (the listing, the mental talk, etc.) it made it seem to echo the clumsy formatting of Maximum Ride too much but mayhaps that is my own preference. Overall, good job.
Slithering Sliver chapter 3 . 10/31/2010
And we love Delphina too! D Alright, so this cappie was good, although there was too little description in the part happening 'now' [hopefully you'll guess what I'm talking about XD]. Either way keep it up :]
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