|Reviews for Miraculous Diamonds|
| non.graceful chapter 1 . 10/2/2010
Describe the tone of speech when characters are communicating with one another. describe what they're doing and jah... that's all i have to say and hope it's not too late... by the way you're treating this, it sounds like ur in year 12. good luck with your studies and such
| Doodlezr1 chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
I think you did a very good job showing the murder of the Romanov family through the sons eyes. Since your teacher wants you to show the jewels as a sign of lost hope then maybe when your first mention the jewels say that its like holding on to hope that revovlution will be over soon and they can go back to their old life, then when the soilders start shooting you can have him thinking that they aren't going to go back and that the jewels aren't going to take them back to their old life before the revolution. Sorry if the endings kinda confusing but I hope it helps.
| Damien Vlashtov chapter 1 . 5/17/2010
Things that jumped out at me-definitely start with more descriptions. Short sentences about small details can make all the difference, controlling what jumps into one's head.
Next, "His head exploded in a spray of red" just seems too...straightforward for me. "A spray of red exploded from his head" even seems preferable, though it sounds like a hilariously morbid Dr. Seuss book.
Also be careful of sounding too verbose or pompous- "My eyes were open now, but all vision was lost" flirts with that line. "all vision was lost" is just a stretch-"I couldn't see" is better, in my opinion.
Though I am against the obtuse pedantry of forced metaphor, I suppose I'll bite on account of the jewels. At first it seemed contradictory to have the jewels be a symbol of lost hope, as they are protecting the people and all, but perhaps the idea that the jewels are protecting them-not god-can be the perfect illustration of lost hope. The miracle is really only carbon, which isn't actually protecting them, but delaying their deaths. Of course, then the diamonds aren't really miraculous at all, and the entire title of the story has to be reworked. But! you could have the diamonds weigh heavily on the kid's body as he is dying and the crucifix slips from his hand...because losing hope and having religion seem somewhat contradictory. But again, that reworks the whole message of your piece.
One more thing that jumps out at me-"I threw myself to the ground, a bullet narrowly missing my right shoulder" really sounds wrong, to 'all knowing' and too vague. How does the narrator know that? Instead, just say bullets are flying or say that he feels a searing pain as the bullet grazes his shoulder-then there's a reason he can actually know where the bullet is.
A good start to the piece, it's unfortunate that you are constrained by a word count. It is difficult to create several unique characters in such a short time. If I were in your shoes, I would cut out most of the dialogue and just focus on what's going through the narrator's head and completely develop his character. Then the others can be slightly developed through his perceptions. I can tell you hate short stories! This entire piece reads like the introduction to something longer, I'm expecting the protagonist to wake up despite his expectations for death-finds out that his leg is better, but his family is dead-a macabre trade. and then has to fend for himself in a ravaged Siberia. So... I would switch writing modes, and just try doing several potent scenes.
Sorry if my review was entirely useless!