I loved the shout-out to your own cat Shakespeare. It's a shame he had to be put to sleep, I've got two cats myself so I can imagine how that feels ( Hope you're doing better now. This chapter was amazing, I loved it! It was kind of... predictable that the highschoolers found out about Ryan and her, but it's the good kind of predictable.

Matthews is, as usual, being just an average douchebag. He's really annoying, but I still wonder what made him change that much from the Matthews he used to be back when they were still friends. I do wonder who drugged her, though - is that an element that's going to return?

I noticed a few spelling mistakes in this chapter that I pointed out - hope it'll help for you!

'and a room with plenty bedrooms' Shouldn't this be 'house with plenty bedrooms'?

'That's what they all they, dear...' the second they should be say

'It was going to one hell of a day.' Either 'it was going to be...' or 'I was going to...' but not this ;)

I hope this was helpful! I'll try to do one more chapter today :)

I like how you've managed to introduce your characters: the protagonist, the best friends and the romantic interest into your first chapter. I also love the nickname Abe, that part made me laugh.

On the other hand I think that you could tone down with the exclamation marks. I realise that your protagonist is meant to be quite outspoken, but maybe relaxing her a bit would allow you to develop her and give her some real flesh.

x

First...yay, soccer! (Also, yay, Harry Potter...while I don't agree with the JoGod notion, it seems to fit Layne to think that)

Ann seems like a fun person to hang out with.

I had a problem with mathmatics in this chapter, maybe I'm stupid. Uhm...When their mother died the twins were 1 and Layne was 14? I'm not sure how old Americans are in 3rd grade...and how old Layne is now. I guess I'm just a little confused. Little help? XD;

Also, this sentence [to take care of my one-year-old twins.] makes it sound as though they were her own children, not her siblings. You might want to look at that (:

I enjoyed the Angel/Devil Layne scene. I thought it was funny.

Well now, I believe Chase is very jealous! Honestly, I think it's a little early to tell who she'll end up with, but I'm kind of hoping for Chase. I think the way he asked her was corny, but the car there made it nice, you know? I do enjoy PMS Ann, and her taste in music. Generally you wouldn't think someone like Ann would have posters of The Ramones and Sum 41 on her wall, so good job. I can't wait to know what's going to happen at the dance. This is exciting! :)

~Blood of the Innocent

I like how you didn't make the whole chapter I this and I that. I didn't like at the end how everyone begins talking, but we don't know who is saying what. Also there were some basic punctuation errors that could stand to be fixed. (Tall, dark brown hair, brown eyes.. ) was that meant to be one or three? Just an example.

Review Game- Easy Fix

I like Andy. Anyone with a British accent is awesome, but Andy sounds amazing. I do see a close friendship between him and Lay, maybe something more, but it probably won't pop up over night. I think Layne's characterization is going good. I can't really think of ways to change anything...yet. Maybe later on, but not quite yet. Good job though.

~Blood of the Innocent

“I slammed the car door and waved to J. "Thanks for dropping me dude!" Call me later?" He nodded at me and drove off. I threw his retreating back a questioning glance.”

- first, omit the quotation mark after ‘dude’. After that, the last sentence doesn’t make sense so I would suggest rephrasing that.

“I waited there for a few minutes till I heard the bell ring. Exactly six seconds later, the children came rushing out of the school, yelling and screaming. I looked for the twins and spotted them talking with Liam's best friend, J's younger sister, Amanda”

- Change ‘till’ to ‘until’. Omit the comma after ‘later’ and ‘school’, they make that sentence sound way too choppy. Replace the commas around ‘J’s younger sister’ with dashes. ‘I looked for the twins and spotted them talking with Liam’s best friend - J’s younger sister - Amanda.’

“…"Hey Lissa, how's it going? How was school?" Larissa giggled and batted my arm away. "Great, I made you a picture in Art!" I put her…”

- When you have dialog you need to make sure that when there is a new person speaking you start a new paragraph. You also need some stronger dialog tags so that there is more clarification on who’s speaking when you’re doing that.

“…After much teasing, we got home, I made the twins a snack, settled them in front of the television…”

- Omit the comma after ‘teasing’. Try to use a different word than ‘got’, it’s a dead verb and just doesn’t sound smooth in a sentence. Omit the comma after ‘home’ and use ‘and’ or something like that. Omit the comma after ‘snack’ and replace it with the word ‘and’ or something like that.

I would strongly suggest thinking of another way to show that the next part is a memory instead of italics. I find when italics are in a block of text that long it just looks and gets distracting. Plus, you already clearly pointed out that it was eight grade, two years ago, so the reader already knows it’s a memory.

“…so sudden... And two years too late for…”

- ‘And’ doesn’t need to be capitalized, and I would suggest taking out the elipses.

“…Maybe I should call him... But for what?…”

- ditto

“…That could be a start... But I knew I should…”

- You get the point. Haha.

I would strongly suggest going through your chapters and reading them outloud. You have really awkward sentence structure throughout your piece, and I find reading it outloud is the best way to spot that since you usually miss stuff like that when you’ve written something yourself. I would also look at getting a beta reader, or a friend to look through your work before you post it. For the most part your grammar is good, but you have some issues with proper comma placement and how to write out dialog properly.

Hope that helps!

Nice first chapter, although I feel that the first line, the use of the James Bond thing, is a little bit cliche. Maybe have something different there? Overall, I like the humour you use and I think we get a very clear of idea of Layne and her personality. I like how she hates Ryan because of what he did to her friend - it's something that makes her instantly likeable, although I have the feeling that something is going to happen to make her not hate him...hmm...

Yeah, nice first chapter and I enjoyed reading it. I'll try to read more soon if/when I get the time :)

LOCKED IN A SPORTS ROOM. HAHAHAHA. I'm really not a fan of your character (please don't be offended, there are tons of characters I can't stand) so I was like, YEAH.

I'm from the US so when you were talking about "a game" I thought you were talking about American football, not English Football so I was like, er...what?

I like the story so far! Keep it up!

~Stella

Great chapter! I loved how Chase was kinda like her ideal student and he was just like, "Wow. You're adorable, but you're my teacher." I liked that bit a ton.

~Stella

O, history of the couple. I can't wait to see where this goes to! *excitement*

Just a note: I think it's just me, but I find Lay very Mary-Sue (author's pet type of person) and it's irritating me. That's my only note though.

~Stella

This chapter was a whole lot better! I really liked how Layne got stuck in a room with Ryan, only it's a pity how quickly it all ends, you could've used quite a few tricks to make them talk right there. It was a very good chapter anyway and I really liked the ship tease between Chase and Layne ;) But the ship tease between Layne and Ryan was even better, I liked how she got sort of jealous at the girl Ryan met up with. Again, well done! Two spelling mistakes:

'The later were making out (gag)' This should be 'latter'

'Now you're is even quoting Vernon!' Remove 'is'

I'll try to do at least one more chapter tomorrow )

Hi! So sorry for the really long wait!

I liked this. Ryan and Lay's relationship is very mysterious and I think I'll read more. :)

~Stella

I liked the scene between Chase and Layne, although I'm wondering what the relevance of Chase is to the story. I feel kind of sorry for Layne too, now that we know how her situation at home is: I'm curious how that will play a role in the story.

Like I've said before, your writing style is very easy to follow, which is a compliment for you, but I still think it's weird how she gets incredibly pissed at Ryan because he drove away one time. It gets a little better now we know that after that, he wasn't there for her either, but don't normal friends get incredibly pissed at each other too, but then fight, apologize and make up?

I think you're revealing a lot in your story since keeping up a certain air of mystery is what usually makes people read the next chapter - yet I'm missing that air of mystery here a little bit.

Anyhow, keep it up, because I am still curious to how the plot wil progress!

All right then, it’s ten PM where I live now, but I decided ‘one more won’t hurt’ and, as your story is great to read, I’m most certainly curious as to where this is going, so that’s a compliment for you. Right then, on to the story itself…

The first flashback most certainly cleared up a few things for me, although you might have been a little too clear in that – yes, it exist – because I feel the facts were presented a bit too… easily. Shouldn’t you have kept it a bit more shrouded in mystery?

The second flashback was most certainly better and revealing, but not too revealing. Still, I feel Layne exaggerates everything a little bit: to me, it feels as if he was there all those times except that one time. And at that one time, she suddenly decides she doesn’t want to see him anymore? Feels kind of wrong to me, but I haven’t read all of it yet :)

However, you’re once again great in the introduction of your characters, introducing them all one by one in an acceptable pace to us. So far, I haven’t had a time where I thought ‘wait, what the hell is going on?’ You’re easy to follow and that certainly helps, though you explain things a bit too clearly sometimes. But I suffer from the same troubles, often, so I know how that feels. There was one part I was having a problem with, though:

"Sure we can. Hi Amanda! How're you?" She smiled cutely and replied politely "I'm good Layne. I have to go now, bye!" She quickly kissed Liam on the cheek, waved to Lissa and Liam, and ran away.

I turned to Liam with shocked eyes. "You have a thing for Amanda? Why didn't you tell me?" Now, Liam and Larissa are smart kids, they've stayed with me throughout my share of breakups, throughout the crying stages, I love them to death. I just wish they didn't have the same knowledge about sex as I did! - I feel this part goes kind of… fast, all of a sudden. Perhaps some room for improvement here? Because… how can Layne guess, just by a kiss on the cheek of a girl, that Liam has a thing going for said girl?

I’ll try to do some more chapters tomorrow, if I find the time for it :) I hope this review was helpful for you!