"I slammed the car door and waved to J. "Thanks for dropping me dude! Call me later?""

slammed makes it seem like she's angry or something, I think a better word to use would be closed, just because slammed has an angry connotation to it.

I liked the whole scene with the funeral, it was a great mental image and although it really didn't need to put the name of her father at that point, it was a nice flashback scene, because it was so descriptive.

I liked the ending it was witty and offset the sad images we were seeing beforehand.

"boy she can be strong when to wants to be"

I think this would do better inside of parantheses because it seems like parantheses signify narrator thoughts in this story and this is more of a thought.

edit: " but it took for than "

you mean "more than"

Yeah, it was no secret that I was one of the shortest students of our grade.

I feel like this would be the perfect time to deliver a show don't tell. You could have Ryan stand back up and "tower" over Layne by like a foot.

So...is Layne literally surrounded by hot guys or does she just think every guy is hot? It kind of loses its touch when every other character is introduced as hot. Maybe...I dunno, cut down on that a bit?

[The old Spanish hag neither spoke, nor understood English,] how would she teach English in an English speaking school then?

I feel like there's a bit of a character overload here, it's hard to keep track of who is who. I'd suggest just mentioning certain characters, but focus on the ones who affect the plot.

is it mentioned previously that Layne is treasurer? I don't remember that, but I think you might want to include it a bit earlier if you come to edit this, otherwise it just feels like its thrown in randomly. Other than that, the writing style remains quite lighthearted and I do like Layne's voice, I just think there are some things you could tweak. I hope to see more of this, anyway.

Finally go around to reading chapter 2.

Still like how you subtly answer certain questions. For example, from the beginning of the chapter I sensed there was something amiss, when she went to pick up her siblings. She was acting motherly, which gave me the impression there was no mother figure.

Then you go and answer it later on with deeper reasons. It wasn't just a passing, but it was also an abandonment (sort of) So it strengthens Layne's character a lot.

Something which took me a moment to realize what was happening was when you had the flashback. A page break would help to make it easier to identify, tho this could be a problem from Fictionpress' side as I had the same troubles.

I noticed a couple of things which I think were unintended. Here they are:

"as his best friend" Think you meant her instead of his

"mood to forgive me so easily" Think you meant him instead of me

Aww, I like J. He and Lay have a really adorable relationship it seems. :)

Also, have I mentioned that I love Lay's inner head conversations? Because I love them. :P Every chapter I mean to say that, and I think I've forgotten the last few times! Haha.

God, the wildfire spread of the girls crushing on Andy is hilarious, mostly because I've seen it happen at my school. Especially if the boy in question is foreign!

[RG - Stories - Easy Fix]

Well, right off the bat I'll say that the cliche chick-lit aspects (such as the collision in the hallway) are still cliche, even if your narrator is aware and acknowledges those bits as such. I didn't like that very much. Plus, I'm a guy - chick-lit has never done anything for me anyway. So, even if your presentation is unique, it's a unique presentation and phrasing of a very cliche idea.

Also, in some of your paragraphs, I found it difficult to tell what the subject was; your organization is a little bit chaotic at times is what I'm trying to say.

I did like how clear your characters were, though. That's often my biggest complaint when I read stories that introduce a lot of characters in the first chapters - I had a clear idea of all of your characters in my mind, which was a fantastic change of pace for a high school chick-lit story. Good job!

-twb

I enjoyed this chapter. I was great to see Jay back in the picture. I like him and Lay's interacation. I can feel how genuinely he cares for her. He's seems like a protective older brother. I think the decision to bring in the new character, Andy, was a good one. It's a good way to spice up the story and give a bit of drama to the Mathews/Lay dynamic. I was put weirded out by his description (hard to think of a guy in pink shirt, purple tinged hair and purle shoes as hot). However, I like the dialogue between him and Lay and look forward to seeing their relationship develop. Overall, a good read.

OK, so interesting chapter but I don't really get the feeling that we're seeing PMS Ann in the first part; just someone talking to their friend?

[ take in all the craziness of Ann's music taste. The walls were plastered with posters of The Ramones, the Beatles, Green Day, and Sum 41.] maybe it's just me but that doesn't seem crazy - that seems pretty, well, normal for music tastes.

[It's getting horrendous,"] should have a full stop.

How old are the twins meant to be again? I thought they were quite young but they seem fairly mature here...just something I wanted to clarify, not an issue in the contaxt of the story itself.

I would have expected a more emotional feeling to the scene with her father; maybe try expanding that?

[Math is more my forte."] if you're going to have a British character, can you maybe make them sound British? Over here, it's 'Maths' not 'Math'. Just a suggestion, but maybe look up British slang words? It'll just add to the character, that's all.

[I know how you two are."

"But you have to remember that it can't be either you or Mathews; you can't make me choose. I'm going to have to talk to him sometime, and when I do, I still want you around,"] I'd suggest putting these in the same paragraph, otherwise it's a bit confusing who is speaking. I know it's Layne but at a glance it seems like it's Chase replying to her?

Anyway,like I said it is an interesting chapter and I'm wondering where it'll go from here, keep it up!

I can’t believe Matthew was such a jerk! Guys…even in fiction I don’t always understand them. Good chapter, I look forward to reading more!

Just a few things:

“ My younger sister Larissa who was in the third grade goes there, along with her twin, Liam”

EDIT: “My younger sister Larissa, who was in the third grade, goes there, along with her twin, Liam.”

“ I looked for the twins and spotted them talking with Liam's best friend, J's younger sister, Amanda.”

EDIT: “I looked for the twins and spotted them talking with Liam’s best friend, and J’s younger sister, Amanda.”

Okay, that duck thing at the begining. "Life just isn't fair. It's about not as fair as why chickens don't quack. I mean, seriously. Do only ducks get that privilege? Quacking is like, the epitome of cool, isn't it?"

That, that my friend, should be on a freaking T-shirt.

Review from the RG:

I'll admit, I'm not entirely sure about the opening tone for this. It's upbeat and engaging, which is good, but it's also really quite random, and quite a few things stopped me being sucked into the story as quickly as I should have been. For example:

"It's about not as fair as why chickens don't quack. I mean, seriously. Do only ducks get that privilege?"

- This makes me stop to think "and quacking is seen as a positive and desirable attribute, why?"

This is kind of saved by the anatidaephobia gag, but I'm still not convinced that the chicken/duck comparison is a good place to start. I found it jarring.

I find the narrative a little dense to get through. I get that your narrator, Lay, is supposed to come across as hyperactive with possible attention deficit disorder (that's my interpretation of her, anyway)and that works. It's nice to see a POV character with a lot to say for herself, but in this specific draft, I think she has a little too much to say. Particularly with the introduction of 'bestest' friend Ann, I wanted to flap my hands at the character and go "Skip to the end..."- the description of her and the various nicknames Lay had for her just dragged on too long.

Overall, I found this a little hard to engage with, but there's potential here for a bubbly, energetic story, and with the antagonistic dynamic between Lay and Matthews refined a bit to be a stronger draw (I kept wanting him to fight back, or at least snark a bit), it could be an enjoyable read.

I loved Layne's inner monologue during the talk with the principal xD

Overall there were a lot of witty lines in this chapter that I enjoyed. During the talk with Maddox, too.

"But be sure to not that I'm notdoing it for the sake of the dance" you lost me with this sentence.

Layne definitely came off like a strong character in this chapter and I liked that. I'm also wondering whether she's gonna be forced to cooperate with Matthews now. I want to see the two of them have a talk.

Granted, he hadn't even been at school for the past week. Not that I had noticed. - I love the subtle humor in this line, because we all know now that she did notice xD

"especially when you're using up your dear father's American Express credit card" ahahahah, I'm jealous.

I wonder why Andy doesn't actually want to date any of the girls. Maybe he's gay after all...(This is just me being hopefull, ignore)

"But I dropped out of World History, seeing as I know nothing about the history of America" I'm not sure I get this xD World History shouldn't be focused on America, right? (and I'm not sure you want to imply that basic American history isn't taught in England)

Nevertheless, I liked the math lesson (even though, personally, I hate the subject.)

...I would have fallen for the guy. xD

I still see her ending up with Ryan. The part with Andy was corny BUT nice. I never saw Ann as a Mary Sue.

Hey mandy,

Awesome chapter! I always love reading your chapters because they flow SOOOOO nicely and all fit together like a puzzle. The intro always makes you want to read on. It's prefect.

I think I mentioned this in a previous review that if you have Note: _ put a * at the end of the sentence, and then at the end of the page put: * and then what you want to say. If you have more than one. Put ** or ***.

I love the chapter lengths. They are fanastic length and you also don't have mistakes. I can see that this is written by a teenager because every detail is like it would be in the real world, and an adult couldn't write this because they would miss out those small details that you have. Great work

I love the thinking parts where you slope. It sometimes is a really boring read when you don't know the characters thoughts and in all you chapters, you can always know what they are thinking. Awesome!

Anyway, you keep up the great work and keep writing!

NVR

(PM how many more chapters I have to payback. Forgot :(!)

Haha, I like Andy. I think he's kind of cute. Awkward, but cute.

I wish there had been more of Ryan in this chapter, but I think the chapter is more solid without him. I'm curious as to what's happening with J. We don't really know much about him yet.