I really liked the used of the flashbacks in this chapter. It tells what happened in the past, without the explanation from Layne herself, which I would probably find boring. I also liked the contrast between Layne and Ryan's relationship between the first flashback and the second. The plot twist about her mother's affair was interesting to me because it proves that your story doesn't fall in the typical situation of all characters being overall perfect. Layne's thoughts during the funeral, I feel are what she would really be thinking and so, also adds to the realism.

Constructive wise, there was nothing that I could be critical about in the writing / plot itself; I could only spot a few small errors when it came to the typing:

[How was school?" ... "Great, I made you a picture... "Hey man.]

[How're you?" ... "I'm good Layne]

[Why I put up with you!" ... "Hey, it's because] - Different speakers should be on different paragraphs.

[have the school hottie as his best friend] - 'her' best friend.

[All she could remember were the good times] - Switches from first to third person.

[was the cause of her mothers' death] - Apostrophe should be before the 's', not after.

Anyhow, I will eventually get round to read the rest of this at some point, when I find the time . - Woody.

Hm. I'm finding it hard to actually hate Mathews. I mean, I mostly just respect him for not taking advantage of poor little drunk Layne. Which is rather sweet of him, even if he got super creepy again at the end there. :P Oh, how you toy with my emotions so. But it makes the characters seem more realistic, which is nice.

Also. I love how this is kind of cliche, but at the same time, totally original. Does that make sense? The plot has been done before, but your writing has a sort of like...spark. So it doesn't matter that the plot isn't the most original, it seems like it is. Yeah. I hope you understand that. :P

Woah, new character overload! It definitely got confusing halfway in - you should either ease off on naming and introducing every single character and just give brief once-overs to them, unless they will contribute in some way to the main plot, as for me this chapter does feel like the story is losing it's primary focus from the title. Ryan seems to be sulking all the time, none of that bad-boy personality that we saw earlier, so I'm not really sure where you're going with his personality. Nice ending though, leaving the reader on that hook does raise more intrigue as to what will happen next.

~ Sakina x

The opening to this chapter was pretty lighthearted and humourous, but felt somewhat disjointed from the end of your last one, as I expected the plot to carry onwards straight from where you left off. I thought that they scene with Layne's father could have used a hell of a lot more emotion, as it seems to hold a lot of weight regarding her backstory, and that part could definitely be fleshed out a lot more in terms of description, reaction, and emotions. As for the plot, I'm not too fond of where this is going in terms of love square? I dunno, it just seems a bit unrealistic - good fun perhaps, and could be pulled off if there was more substance to the plot, but from what I've read so far it just feels like you're moving through the school calendar, without a tight enough focus on the plot.

Hope my comments have been helpful!

~ Sakina x

Hmm, in terms of characterisation, I think Layne is starting to turn into a Mary-Sue as to me, it looks like she has the absent parents (tragic backstory), no obvious flaws, popular (or used to be), and that guys are just falling for her. Not that great for your more mature/cynical audience. I'm also guessing this is the set up for a love triangle - I hope it isn't, to defy cliche, but chances are, it probably is. Not much else to say, other than that I find the Brit guy's name odd, as being a Brit myself, I have never met anyone whose first name is Anderson.

~ Sakina x

This chapter was much better than the one before - it definitely felt more relevant to the plot and I thought that when it came to flow and dialogue, both of those were smoother. Of course, this whole scene is pretty cliche and no new ground was covered, but I enjoyed reading it for the storyline, and for the tension between your protagonist and antagonist.

~ Sakina x

I felt that there were some disjointed bits in this chapter, that didn't really flow - I think it's because the conversational tone you have is a bit OTT, in my opinion. As such, the descriptions of the surroundings and transitions from scene to scene do suffer. In addition, the dialogue felt a bit forced in the way that all of the characters sound like valley girls. Maybe tone that down a little bit, if you do a rewrite. However, the angel versus demon inner monologue was a nice touch though, and added a bit of humour to this chapter!

~ Sakina x

This was a very well done first chapter; well established characters, appropriately immature speech, and enough backstory to give the idea of the proposal some drama.

I think that Matthews, however, should have sounded a bit more unique and not, as was written, like the terribly egocentric hot-guy cliche who just radiates self confidence and douchebaggery; the man's a genius, and even if he is all of the aforementioned things, it wouldn't hurt to characterize him via his dialogue as something more than just that. Also, I'm the strangest of the strange as far as how I speak, but even I would never tell someone that I "have a proposal" like a nerdy business limey; just because the man's a genius doesn't mean he doesn't have a possession of the vernacular!

Good and pulling read though!

Chapter two! Yay! D

My younger sister Larissa who was in the third grade goes there, along with her twin, Liam. Yeah, I guess my parents were huge fans of alliteration.

Heh, funny you mention this. The neighbors next door to me did the same thing, I kid you not. Russell, Rebecca, Rylan, and Rachel. Crazy people.

I just wish they didn't have the same knowledge about sex as I did!

You bring up an interesting point. It's kinda frightening how knowledgeable kids are of sex these days. I remember not even thinking about it until I was in middle school. Ah, the days of innocence are over, I suppose.

Ah, so that's why she hates him, huh? I thought it was clever how you sectioned off those two memories, it felt almost like a couple of journal entries (if that makes any sense). I can relate to how that would make her angry... as well as how she was too afraid to try and start a relationship with him. Hell, the more I read this, the more Layne reminds me of myself when I was that age.

Great chapter, can't wait to read more. )

Going to review while I read, or else sometimes I tend to forget things. (

I can tell right away this is going to be a fun read from the narrator's tone. I think you do perfectly in portraying the thoughts of someone in high school. Actually, now that I think about it, Layne sounds a lot like me when I was in high school... gah, incoming nostalgia.

Now here's what you're probably thinking. Girl bumps into guy, falls on top of him, girl is on guy, and they apologize, and realize they're in love with each other.

Heh, this had me chuckling. I always like to see narrators addressing the audience in a first-person. It makes me feel more involved with the story, like the character is in front of me telling it to me in person. Maybe I'm just crazy, I dunno.

He was pure, 100%, made-in-China, Grade A, asshole.

Ahah, oh boy, that's hilarious. So he's an elitist, huh? Cool... I deal with his type of people every day on the internet. It's even worse in online games. I can already relate to Layne's misfortune. (

Nice hook at the end. Now I want to know what's going on just as much as her friends. D

((Thanks for the reviews on my story, btw. I really appreciate them!))

Great opening scene, with describing the atmosphere of the football/soccer game. It really made me wish my school got that into it! Nice ending too, with that cliffie there. Makes the reader (at least it made me go) she's WRONG? But what's going to happen! I also kind of wish she hadn't been rescued from that locked room. I am waiting for their showdown! Jeez. :P So that was the best scene, but it was too short. Once again, great flow/dialogue/character interactions. It's all awesome. I'm sure you get tired of hearing that, haha. :P

This chapter felt a little random to me. You bounced from a lot of different topics and it didn't really read like a cohesive story I think. This might be partly because you went pretty quickly from one location to the next.

I did like how you included small elements of Layne and Mathews previous relationship throughout the chapter though. I feel like its better than putting in a huge chunk that discusses what they were to each other.

LOVE how cliched this is. (:

To start of with Layne seems like a real dramatic character! She funny but with that inevitable sad past. I like her.

But I love Mathews! I mean he is like the epitome of awesomeness! :D

I don't know what he's done to go on Layne's bad side but I want to find out!

Will keep reading!

Keep writing awesomely!

out-of-the-way

1) Well from the title I've been prepared for Ryan, but then I'm not too much into speculations…

2) Didn’t sound corny to me. Think it was because of the "pleading tone" *imagines* puppy-dog watery eye with a kiddo pout *end imagination*; it actually made me think of the word KAWAII!

3) I've never been in a relationship before…so I'm not very sure but just felt that her encouraging her best friend on said friend's relationship with her "ex-boyfriend" is a little unrealistic(unless a very good explanation is available)

Don't tell me Maddox's joining the tussle for Layne…that would be a little too much for me to handle (no offence, just a little personal opinion.)!

Hope my reviews helped!

Hmph…J acting all big-brother to Layne here (observation much?)…actually liked it.

Anderson Blake Wellington the Third…appearing right after the Ryan-Layne incident. Couldn’t help with the wild guesses-Greek-god replacement or Layne competition? But I think I'd personally like to know a little more about his personal history before commenting on the "formal" bit.

I found the current Layne okay...

Hope it's useful!