|Reviews for Magic|
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 4/22/2012
I like the plot you have for this story, having the boy taken away to go on some adventure.
For some reason, every time I see the name Dante, it reminds me of Dante's Inferno/The Divine Comedy. Even the boy's name suites the plot of the story. xD
The POV of this story kind of confused me though. It seems to be coming from both Dante and Beatrix, and it's awkward. You might want to get that looked at. But overall, great job.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 4/18/2012
I feel like this is definitely one of your older works as I did notice a lot of the dialogue and speaker tags were grammatically lacking in some parts. I know you know how to write them proper though, so I won't waste space mentioning, just that this could use a good polish if you do decide to return to it! I feel like this piece could benefit from being expanded upon and I would love to see more of ti. I feel like I've only got a fraction, even with the explanation at the beginning. I enjoyed the interaction between Dante and the sea, and then him and Serenity. Her description was intriguing. I love the name Beatrix too, she caught my attention in the beginning as being a strong character. I liked that you made Dante relatable in an unreltable situation too-it allows the reader to sympathize with him better I think. I'd be interested in seeing more from this!
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
First of all, I love your Dante and Beatrix. Tell me, were you reading the entire Divine Comedy or just the Inferno?
There's only a couple things I spotted. When Dante meets Serenity, he asks, "Who are?" I think you meant "Who are you?" You may want to fix that. Also, watch out for Dante - whenever a character ends up the Chosen One, there's a tendancy for things to go all too easily for them. Just be careful that things don't fall too neatly into place for him. I don't have much more than that for a critique for you, but I would love to see you expand this, it's got a lot of potential. :)
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I liked this a lot. The tone was great, as well as the grammar. I have nothing bad to say about this.
Something surged through Dante, a warm feeling expanding from his chest, outwards. He concentrated, and moved it towards his arm. It tingled as it moved from shoulder, down his arm, finally ending up in his hand. Face scrunching up even harder, he tried to make the area smaller, and then he heard Beatrix clap.- I loved the way you described this!
| Charel Lebl chapter 1 . 6/3/2010
Very interesting...It's definitely unique, both the style and the characters. It's also catchy, are you going to add to it? The grammar is very good, and it's easy to read. it's just slightly confusing, you could maybe add more descriptive sentences or explain things more. Altogether, I like it quite a bit!
| Experiment101 chapter 1 . 6/1/2010
I liked the overall tone of the story, of course your writing style is awesome but I would be very careful to keep the tone the same frequency in further chapters.
| Aiarada Alyan chapter 1 . 5/19/2010
I love the tone you have here, with interwoven mythology. But... you need to be careful to keep that tone. You use slang terms (Maybe they're not technically slang, but they sound slang to me) such as screwed and cheesy. They don't match the formal style in which the rest of this is written.
Also, my friend was involved in a NaNoWriMo thing we had at our school this year, though that's kind of off-topic - and I completely understand school taking over writing. I hate that. But I'm trying my best to keep writing in spite of the school factor... Anyway, you've done an excellent job of creating a believable world with believable characters and customs, and you had some nice imagery too. You clearly have potential - I hope this inspires you to keep writing!