Reviews for Our Remembrance
Robt Emmett chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
"Daniel. We're so screwed," [omit my] my father mumbled, his head in his hands as he listened to the public announcement broadcast on the television. It was on every single channel.

[new para in italics] Talk about annoying, right? [add] I thought [period] {ed note; get the reader used to the idea that italics equal the speaker thought. Do it near the beginning of the first chapter and then, occasionally thereafter.}

Well, my irritation quickly flew from me, [period] [new sentence When . . .] when I realized how serious the situation was…[ellipse not needed] You try to be irritated by something so trivial when the announcer is saying in a grim, hopeless voice that the Earth's pollution levels are deadly now, and irreversible. Things are going to start dying, and fast, he says. We've done this to ourselves, and now it's too late...[ellipse not needed]

Are you irritated now? [italics]

Yeah, that's what I thought. [italics]

"Dad," I whispered. "It'll be all right. We'll figure something out."

[You are might be better then I] I was lying through my teeth. [italics]

My mother placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Why don't you go up to your room, Daniel?" she said. I opened my mouth to disagree, but the pleading look in her eyes cut me off.

[Double space to show change of location]

I shuffled awkwardly out of the living room. Fear was blossoming in my stomach. Like little flowers [that] were actually there; blooming, living and taking up all the space as [they not ‘it’ plural to match ‘flowers‘] it spread throughout my abdomen.

Before I shut my door, I heard the tail end of the President's surrealistic plan. "Humanity will have a new beginning, a new start on Mars…" [the correct way to use an ellipse]

I shut my door, but it didn't completely block out the [add ‘sound of the‘] television or my father's muffled cries. It just dimmed them a bit; I did my best to ignore them.

"A new beginning…" I said to the humidity in the air, to the frozen faces resting inside picture frames. "If the President only knew how ridiculous he sounds. Nothing has a new beginning-everything has happened at least once before. [*] Well, except for shipping people off to Mars, that is."

I sighed. [delete ‘I sighed.’ here and move up to *] Everything had an old beginning, not a new one. Everything was just a swirling blend of ideas repeating themselves. History repeated. People based "brilliant ideas" [Delete ‘they had off of ‘ and add on] old ones; religions were constantly adapting to what they needed to address, the stock market [never] rose and [only] fell.

[italics] {Well, it doesn't anymore,} I thought. It's worth nothing now, since all the fossil fuels are gone.

Everybody's in the same boat. Or ship, [rather, or ‘whatever] I mused. America's not doing so hot, with a worldwide economic collapse under its list of problems.

Maybe that's why dad's so scared. Status meant nothing, except for a title that no longer had any relevance.

We were poor now, just struggling to survive. How would be able to buy one ticket, let alone four, for the trip to Mars in three months?

The fear tightened around me again, and it choked my throat.

Would we die, just because we didn't have enough money to buy a piece of paper? I thought, my mind reeling at the absurdity of it all. Money means nothing, anyways. What would they use it for—to start fires?

I [ concluded ] [delete came to a conclusion}, one that wasn't so shocking, not if you really thought about it.

We weren't going to make it on one of those three ships. [Not in a million years. It wouldn't happen even if my mother slept with a politician and gave him the child. Not if I found a cure for cancer, or my dad filled the nonexistent rain forests with trees again. Not if my sister helped solve world hunger.

We meant nothing, nothing at all under the eyes of the government.

Humanity was going to consist of greedy bastards; the ones that could afford to buy a stupid, fucking piece of paper.

"Dad," I whispered. [or "Dad," I whispered to my self.] "We aren't screwed. We're fucked over."[Rather than ‘over’, would ‘royal’ be better?]

I was angry—I had never been this pissed off in my entire life. I literally saw red, smeared across the walls of my room. I wanted to punch the walls out, run screaming into the streets that this wasn't fair, and start a revolt.

My anger quickly vaporized, changing into fear, and worse: hopelessness.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Crying wasn't going to help the situation any.

I had to think, I had to plan something.

The dying sun made my room glow orange; I saw something sparkle on my desk. I eased off of [omit ‘of’] my bed and made my way to it.

"Oh, mom." I whispered, smiling slightly. It was a journal, and pinned to it was a note.

‘I found this earlier today at work. I thought you might like it.’ [add single quotes]

Mom.

I picked up the journal, weighing it in my hand. It was leather bound and thick. [Opening it, I looked at the unlined pages. Italics Just the way I like them.] [Delete The paper was unlined, just like I liked it] It was stained in a few places, but otherwise, it was in good condition.

I sat down in my desk's chair, opened the journal, and creased its first page.

ED 1. Think what the speaker will say. 2. Say it aloud. 3. Type what you hear.

At the top there 2 handy tools. The first is “ABC’ and a check mark - use it (with caution) Secondly, TOOLS open it and you will find ‘Thesaurus’, ‘Word Count’, and ‘Dictionary Lookup’. Use them to help you.

Part 2

August 24th, [delete ‘th’]2251. [The correct way is August 24, 2251]

7:08 p.m. [overly specific, use 7:00 or 1908 or 1900 hr.]

[Let me introduce myself, I’m Danial Jackson and it is August 24, 2251, etc] "Hey, I'm Daniel Jackson. It's August 24th, 2251," I wrote smoothly in black ink. "My family's life now depends on the government's shitty plan—sending humanity [comma] as we know it [comma] to Mars. We have no money to buy a ticket for the ship to send us there; we're fucked. [ a word abused soon lack impact] I'm 19, and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it to 20. I'm so incredibly fucked…

"Welcome to my old beginning, here in this journal. You see, I feel old. The government says that sending people to Mars will be a "new beginning," but I think that's impossible, quite frankly. Nothing is new. Everything is based off of something old. Everything on this Earth, anyways.

"I have three months to live; that's when people are being shipped out, people that don't really deserve to be there in the first place. But who am I to judge? They have money and a voice. I don't.

"I'm starting this journal for a reason unknown to me. Maybe it's so I can make sense of this all? So I can relieve some stress? I'm not sure. So, if anyone reads this thousands of years from now, they'll know. They'll know me, a person deemed unworthy by the government of the good ol' U.S[period] of A.

"Essentially, this journal is my only eulogy.

"After all, I'm just a dead man running. I'm so completely and utterly fucked over..."

I feel his frustration. I think that a few hundred more words are needed. Why? To outline his plan to save the world. Or in writing parlance - an arc. I call it a dragon. As I drag the reader onward. They should be dear the end of the chapter. Also an arc in the middle of a chapter, during or immediately a slow dull passage.

As this is in the future, invent words that are clearly descriptive. i.e. “VidComm” for T.V.

Use exclamation points - but rarely. Again, over use invalidates.

Lastly the last section was centered. I don’t know if that is good or bad.
Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 6/25/2010
This was an excellent beginning! :). I really like Daniel! I can tell he's going to be a great, GREAT character. :D. I also loved the interaction between him & his parents; it was very well-written. Keep up the fantastic work!

B. Cross

P.S. Just updated RFTA. :).

P.P.S. Come back soon! :D. The RH misses you!
Mintiee chapter 1 . 6/25/2010
This was an extremely interesting prologue. The frustration and irritation of Daniel was very understandable and realistic. You wrote it very well, too, and the first person narrative really helped me relate to what Daniel was feeling. It all came across very clearly. Over all, I think this was a great opening chapter to what is sure to be a brilliant story :)

-M.
Vernelley chapter 2 . 6/23/2010
The formatting seemed to work well for you, although it did confuse me a little. That's probably just me though.

I quite liked how Daniel was just writing every single thought he was having at the moment so he could remember it later (maybe) or for someone else to read. You convey well the emotions and thought processes he had at the time he was writing.

'however hard they try to tempt you promises.'

-'however hard they try to tempt you [with] promises'

'They're hands are stained with invisible blood.'

-'[Their] hands are stained...'

It's interesting that his mother supports his decision to leave a time capsule of sorts behind. Although I do think it was a bit quick where he told her of his decision; personally, I wouldn't have thought he'd tell her immediately, but that's just me. Maybe they have a good trusting relationship, in which case your pacing is fine.

Overall, I think it's starting to build up and I'm sure it will be more interesting when the time comes for Daniel to leave.
Sputnik chapter 1 . 6/22/2010
Greetings from the Gossip Forum.

Its the end of the world, and that will always grab my attention, and oh boy was I rewarded for reading this chapter. FIrstly, the biting, withering, unadulterating cynicism is just beautifully realised:

We weren't going to make it on one of those three ships. Not in a million years. It wouldn't happen even if my mother slept with a politician and gave him the child. Not if I found a cure for cancer, or my dad filled the nonexistent rain forests with trees again. Not if my sister helped solve world hunger.

We meant nothing, nothing at all under the eyes of the government.

And that cynicism simaeltaneously feeds and is fed by the total sense of hopelessness, which is so well articulated as to be palpable, love it, love it.

While the overall idea is nothing new, the execution so far is pretty much spot on, so good work.

My one small complaint, and it is small, is the one section where Daniel talks to himself. It just strikes an odd chord. If Daniel had said out loud "A new beginning..." then continued with an inner monologue, it would have been a cinematic moment; a guy succumbing to despair in the light of a dying world, but because he says the whole opening sentence it just feels false.

Other than that, all is well, and I shall contiue to R&R (I'm looking forward to the action :))

TTFN

Sputnik
seredemia chapter 1 . 6/21/2010
Hehe. Daniel is immediately a nice character. I lvoe how he narrates the story with such a cool, humorous attitude. Even when he's talking about the end of the world, he makes me smile.

I like the idea of this plot, by the way! I've never been one for futuristic stories, but this one caught my interest. It's rather original, I haven't read a story like this before. And you did mention romance, so WOO.

... :( I liked Daniel's thoughts on feeling helpless. I must admit that I would be scared if I were him...

I wonder what will become of Daniel's journal... Hmm. It must be important, right?

Great start so far, Avid!

Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?
Just Silly Me chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Futuristic? Yes! :D.

“Daniel, we’re so screwed,” …

Comma after “from me” is unneeded.

While I like the narrator talking to me, I don’t. haha. Well, if anyone else mentions it, make sure you think on it…

“Dad,” I whispered, “it’ll be all right.”

“Fear blossomed in my stomach as if little flowers were actually there, blooming, living, and taking up all the space…”

Nice imagery, yay!

Start “I did my best…” as a new sentence if at all possible, please. Haha, you really love your semicolons.

“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore”—italicize, it’s a thought.

“why dad’s”—“why Dad’s.”

Comma after “we die” is unneeded.

Interesting. I like that sentence though.

The comma after “red” is unneeded.

The “mom” after “oh” needs capitalization.

You don’t need the quotation marks if you don’t put in the “I wrote smoothly in black ink.” It’s best to just have it italicized or something.

I’m not going to edit the journal entry because it’s a journal entry. It can go how it wants. However, the semicolons still annoy me. I personally don’t write with semicolons, and most people have no idea how on earth to use one. Just don’t have it in the journal.

Otherwise, nice, and I hope you continue this.

JSM

A review for The Roadhouse forum
WutNow chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Here from Roadhouse

I am a huge fan of sci-fi stories! The concept of the whole "writing in a journal as the world is going to end" reminded me a lot of The Diaries of Ann Frank." And I liked how you stated that nothing is new, and that "new things" are taken from "old ideas," which is you, as an author, has done as well. I really liked that lol.

Now I'm going to list the things that I thought you had done well:

- I liked the strong, sarcastic voice you gave Daniel, the main character. He seems like a very easy-going guy, minus the hectic situation he's in lol.

- I liked the strong hook you placed in the beginning. I especially liked the way you presented the cuss words without making it overly used. Some people just go nuts using the f-word or the s-word just because it is there, but I liked how little and yet effectively used them. I thought that was clever executed

- Liked how you gave background information on the government and the how we, humans, had destroyed the earth. I wished you cold have explained how scientists have already for foreseen this, and had made plans to make Mars habitable many hears before this event is finally present or something. A little hint would have been nice, you know? To assure us that the people they are deploying out to space could actually live? Because if they don't.. then that's just plain murder lol.

- The dialogue was entertaining, and the writing he placed in his journal was a nice touch.

Now, for the things you can tweak:

- I saw a mixture of past and present tenses throughout the chapter. I have that problem myself, but try to stick to one or the other. I won't spoon-feed you the details, but a simple reread would correct the minor mistakes

- It would have been nice if you described the environment a little bit more. Floating cars? Floating cities? How have animals evolved? Does Daniel have a dog that isn't really a dog? New species? Etc stuff like that lol

- I think three months is a short amount of time to deploy 6 billion plus people from earth to mars. Then again, you did mention that only the "rich" would survive... which I found slightly unfair since the majority of people now are.. not as rich lol. How will the government handle that?

- The plot/ idea is there, but I wished you executed it a little more neatly. I liked his voice, but adding more vivid detail and a more formal manner, i think personally, would amplify his voice.

- There was a chapter or two where all it accomplished was repeating the same idea as the first. Ex: "If the President only knew how ridiculous he sounds. Nothing has a new beginning-everything has happened at least once before. Well, except for shipping people off to Mars, that is...Everything had an old beginning, not a new one. Everything was just a swirling blend of ideas repeating themselves. History repeated. People based "brilliant ideas" they had off of old ones; religions were constantly adapting to what they needed to address, the stock market rose and fell..

I thought you should have just stuck to the second chapter instead of Daniel saying the idea out loud, and then repeating it in his thoughts.

Overall, I thought the chapter was strong, interesting, and decently written :)

Hope to hear from you soon!

-Agent
MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Love the concept!

I really don't understand Daniel's narration in the first paragraph. I mean in the face of death, where every single channel newsreader is shouting out to me that I am going to die in a few day, I would hardly be irritated. Even though it has been done by me. But well, maybe its just me, so feel free to turn a blind eye.

I agree with Daniel. And the solutions that he thought of. Basically, what counts is the power that a person has. We see this reflected in many moves and novels- another concept that is shared by the authors over the globe. Whatever one does, it will always be the powerful ones who survive. The again, we find examples like 2012 where the protagonist survives. But it lead me to question 'Ello, only one survived and the rest were still killed right?.' Well. Whatever, Sorry for the digression.

The idea of a journal was good. Daniel comes across as a slightly defeatist but a practical character. I liked that instead of wallowing in self pity and loathing, he decided to do 'something' even if it will be something small like writing a journal.
Devil's Playground chapter 2 . 6/19/2010
YAY. This story is awesome, and I've been super excited to read more of it.

First of all, this is really polished. No spelling/grammar errors as far as I saw. I can tell that you spent a lot of time editing it and making it, as you said, perfect. It definitely paid off. And though I don't usually throw around words like that, I have to say, this chapter seems pretty damn flawless as far as I'm concerned.

I like the formatting with the journal. I also like that you split up the writing into numerous chunks, with little sections of narration in between. It helps with the pacing of the chapter, and makes it feel more realistic. You're doing a great job of getting into Daniel's head and showing how he feels.

You did a good job describing the setting and such, too. I loved the descriptions of the candlelight, it really set the mood for the chapter, and was some powerful imagery as well.

I'm excited for more! Update soon :D
cheveux roux chapter 2 . 6/19/2010
I was hoping Daniel would go to Mars! I can't help but think that something horrible might happen to the ships his parents and sister are on, though...

Again, a beautiful chapter. You've really thought everything through, and I never would have thought about Daniel having a kind of "survivor's guilt" for making it to Mars while leaving everyone else to die. I also like the idea of their time capsule. It was a really nice way to end the chapter, showing how they're truly leaving Earth by leaving all of their Earth things behind, I thought.
cheveux roux chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
I'm in love with the idea for this story, and you're such a talented writer, it comes off fantastically. Daniel is an amazing character - he's completely believable and understandable and funny! I couldn't help but laugh at "Are you iritated now? Yeah, that's what I thought."

The idea that money and status hold nothing anymore is a really creative way to put things, and I can't stop thinking about the line about his journal being his "only euology." I think that's a fantastic way to put it, and I think it might be one of my favourite lines I've read.
Lilchany chapter 2 . 6/18/2010
Oh, I can't wait for the rest! I really like how you are developing Daniel and how you describe how he's feeling. I feel more of a connection to him. Like I said, can't wait for the rest!
sophiesix chapter 2 . 6/18/2010
aw, the bit with teh mother was lovely! she's great, seh realyl feels real.. you've got some great characters here so i'm looking forward to meeting Samantha!

hmm, i'm struggling to find something to concrit here, but i guess occasionally you could trim a bit off your senteces? like:

" I close the last page of my journal, before placing it in a metal box I purchased a few weeks ago." the 'i purchased a few weeks ago doesn't sound necessary for that sentence. if its important to the story, i'd have its owen sentence for it, maybe? and maybe go into why he decided to buy teh box or something, in that sentence?

likewise "I hesitated, not quite sure how to explain my feelings." i'm not sure you need teh second phrase there, because you show that in the hesitation well enough for me: in the context the reader can understand why he hesitates.

I like how the diary entries are so realistic, too, with the going off track and stuff, lol! can so relate to that.

"Everything is dark and dead, and I feel like that's what I'm slowly becoming. Darkened and dead on the inside." really lovely line.

Nice work!
sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/18/2010
you've developped a nice strong voice for Daniel here, it gives a really good feel of his character. What i find is missing at times if his reaction to things? the fear you described beautifully, but at teh begining there i didn't get a physical sense of this news affecting him much?

nice litle hints of the wider story delivered without bogging the narative down with backstory. i like how he says 'status means nothing now', it makes me wonder what status they had before... not that it matters now, lol, but it piques my interest! cool begining!
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