|Reviews for Our Remembrance|
| Alice Novak chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
Mm.. I think its' missing some descriptive element.
You've got plenty of narration and dialogue, but its' just.. not enough? Does that make sense?
Well, doesn't matter. I think its' a brilliant start to a story!
| shimba chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
Like love how discriptive you are. You have a way sprouting imagryand emotion in ones head. Good first chap.
I loved Stuff like this - Like little flowers were actually there; blooming, living and taking up all the space as it spread throughout my abdomen.
and this - swirling blend of ideas repeating themselves.
and particularly - "We aren't screwed. We're fucked over."
Samll typo - How would be able to buy one ticket,
| flight06 chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
I do really like this chapter. It probably isn't a prologue, but that all depends on whether or not you think it gives information and introductions that could not otherwise be given in the main story.
In my understanding, it's a chapter. However, the bits in the living room seem to suggest otherwise. Either way, I enjoyed it.
Your voice is haunting, direct, and you have a clear grasp of language. You don't pretend that something else is happening, which makes the whole scene seem so depressing, but at the same time, the character seems to have, in some strange way, some hope. I believe that hope is in the diary, of course.
Just be careful, though, to not make the character sound overly whiny. I do realize that he has every right to complain, but readers would rather read about him starting riots in the street and making speeches, or whatever he might do, than just pout. Simple as that.
Good luck and I hope you take this somewhere great!
| Word Player chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I like this. A lot. It's an interesting way to start a novel and it definitely grabs my attention.
Daniel's reflections are well done.
"Humanity was going to consist of greedy bastards; the ones that could afford to buy a stupid, fucking piece of paper"
Daniel Jackson is a name from Star Gate, just FYI. Oh never mind I see you acknowledge that at the end :D
It's possible the phrase "fucked over" is over used, but then again maybe not. The world is dying.
I'd critique it more, but other than a few word choices here and there and a tiny bit of polishing that could possibly be done, I have nothing more to add to it!
I feel like I didn't have to much offer, but hopefully that means you did a good job!
| this wild abyss chapter 2 . 6/15/2010
Hmm...so they don't die. I'm guessing you're going show someone opening the box and finding the journal, right? Well anyway, this story is still good. I love the way you write. It's easy to read, but still adult. Great work!
| Fishphobia chapter 2 . 6/15/2010
Aww, Daniel is so sensitive. Once again, you've done well. The goodbye journal entry was very heartfelt and well written. I like this better then your Prologue, not only because it's longer but because you used better word choice that made it more exciting and real.
If you're ever going to write where Daniel writes in the journal again, which he might not considering he just locked it in a box, but it might be more crisp looking if you just use italics then quotations. But that's just me :)
Good job, I'm really excited to see the next part.
(Oh and I like the name Samantha! It's your character and you've chosen a time period that hasn't happened yet so truly anything can happen.)
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
Great idea! I'm sad, though, because I know Daniel and his family are all going to have to die. But that's okay; I think it makes the story better. Your writing was good, and I liked the "old beginning" idea. It was really cool. Nicely done.
| Fishphobia chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I had a dream once where I was the only person left on Earth, and the entire dream was just me sitting in this giant desert leaning against a half buried billboard waiting to die.
Sorry for that, your story just reminded me of it! :)One of my most morbid dreams...alright now on to the real review.
First off, fantastic idea! You've made it believable to me that the world is dying, and that Daniel is going down with it. Don't be afraid to elaborate on word choice, I want to see more of this world and from what you've written you're more then capable of doing so.
"After all, I'm just a dead man running. I'm so completely and utterly fucked over..." That was my favorite line, it's not only exactly what a 19 year old would probably say but it also shows us a little bit about Daniel. He's not going to hysterics about the world ending, he's got more of like a 'Well I'm screwed, bring it!'
I hope he makes it on one of those ships. I'm excited to read more!
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 2 . 6/15/2010
I liked this chapter. The descriptions were nice and nothing was really akward. The journal format was good too. I liked that we learned more about Daniel. I liked the "It's, uh, a box I bought." part.
| William G. Thorne chapter 2 . 6/14/2010
i really like the conversation between Daniel and his mother, she seems like a very calm, relaxed sort of woman. her words have an elegance and wisdom to them, which is a very nice insight to her character.
this was a wonderfully written chapter, cannot wait for chapter 3!
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 6/13/2010
Like little flowers were actually there; blooming, living and taking up all the space as it spread throughout my abdomen.- I liked this. People usually use butterflies, but I love the thought of flowers. Flowers are thought to be beautiful, yet they're growing in your stomach out of fear. Oh.
After all, I'm just a dead man running. I'm so completely and utterly fucked over..."- Nice endling line(:
I like this so far!
| Your-Magpie chapter 1 . 6/13/2010
right, well, first off, i really liked your concept that you have here.
oh, quick [rhetorical-ish] question, is daniel supposed to know that they are this last days on living?
avid writer 92
right- little typos
depending on the chacacter your making daniel's father to be, id use punctuation and sentence structure to show it- like in [i think] the opening sentence 'daniel. we're so screwed.' id say that short sentences like these work for the comedic characters, the one's with impacting personalities or information.
i thought the blatant honesty of the narrator was portrayed so simply, it made the words so bitter and sad, it was really sad, but obviously a good thing, because i sympathised with the character so well, purely because he didn't seem to have any hope of being alive for much longer.
i really liked the character of the mother in this one, although she was faintly sketched- about her still asking-and not forcing- Daniel to go to his room, so that in dire times, she was still the same type of mother, albeit a more timid, worrying one. so i like her.
i liked the concept daniel had- a little defeatist, but it all adds to character, don't it, dan!- about new beginnings not really being new. funny, now i think of it, my first draft of my prologue was a New Beginning... lol
'Well, it doesn't anymore, I thought. It's worth nothing now, since all the fossil fuels are gone.
Everybody's in the same boat. Or ship, rather, I mused. America's not doing so hot, with a worldwide economic collapse under its list of problems.
Maybe that's why dad's so scared. Status meant nothing, except for a title that no longer had any relevance.
We were poor now, just struggling to survive. How would be able to buy one ticket, let alone four, for the trip to Mars in three months?'
i would consider having that one paragraph, but thats me i suppose- because the sentences all unite in the sentiment of the current affairs.
the reference to the dying sun was really succint- all around Daniel, the constant things-say the sun- that never change in his environment are finally changing. that was poignant.
i liked the concept of the family not having enough money to gain safe passage- i thought that was a good premise to the beginning of the story, and it really interested me.
liked the this is my old beginning part too, nice how you linked it back to previous thoughts in the middle.
also, liked daniels thought of the diary being a eulogy.
all in all, i really like this. really really like this. ending this in a journal entry- an interesting journal entry- is always a cliffhanging and gripping way for an end to a chapter.
i liked your writing style as well, and the physical parts you wrote- such as the 'creasing its first page' and other things ilke that it really gives the writing a physical edge to it- you can see it a lot lot more.
im really eager to read more of this..
| Vroooommmmmm chapter 1 . 6/8/2010
well nice work...a little editing is required though...i guess you will get them all if you re-read...
well this concept seems like being inspired from 2012
like in 3 yrs, the world is goona go with global warming...the three ships except that they are going to mars, people who are there but they dont deserve coz they have money and voice...all things look similar, don't they?
but good job nonetheless...carry on pal...
| A. Barone chapter 1 . 6/7/2010
Hee hee! I love Daniel from Stargate SG1 too and I got a chance to meet Michael Shanks a couple years ago and man, he was VERY nice!
On to this story-I'm not a fan for this sort of dystopian/end of the world scenario but the title and summary grabbed my attention. I also love first person perspectives and I think that you have a handle on your Daniel character.
I do hope that you update more on this story soon, although I would like to know if Daniel and his family makes it to Mars because if he doesn't and if he dies then I'm not sure if I'd want to read the rest... I like stories that have a little bit of hope ya know?
Anyways, happy writing.
| PencilSketchS chapter 1 . 5/29/2010
I really like the idea behind this story so far, and I'd like to know where you end up going with this. I like how Danial says this journal is his only eulogy. I understand what you're trying to say about there not being any true new beginnings, just repeats of old successes or failures. You repeat the phrase too often though, but then you might have done that to emphasize it.
The three ships leaving for Mars, is that just america's quota of ships, or is that the total amount of ships leaving earth period? And how many people could fit on one of those? It doesn't seem like they'll be able to save many people. Also I take it the last of the fossil fuels went into the escape plan? So yes, there are many unanswered questions, but I'm sure you'll reveal the answers soon.
Update this soon, I'd like to see what happens.