|Reviews for Our Remembrance|
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 5/28/2010
Very interesting concept for a story.
'I shut my door, but it didn't completely block out the television or my father's muffled cries.
Just dimmed them a bit; I did my best to ignore it.'
- suggestion: Remove paragraph break. Change 'cries' to a [,]. Maybe use 'them' instead of 'it' where you've got 'ignore'. So maybe something like this:
'I shut my door, but it didn't completely block out the television or my father's muffled cries[,] just dimmed them a bit; I did my best to ignore [them].'
Or something along those lines.
Overall, I was left with a pretty good impression of your writing style.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 5/27/2010
I love your quick and smooth writing style. It's very entertaining and keeps the story moving. Your MC's voice is also very charming. It read just like he was having a conversation with me, and that's always great with first person. You also look like you could have a cool plot going for you.
All that's missing is some action, though I'm sure that'll come in future chapters, no? Good luck with this!
| weary writer chapter 1 . 5/27/2010
Dante here with another stellar review.
Wassup wassup wassup. I really liked the premise of your story, especially the fact that it's something with the possibility of occurring in real life. Kind of reminds me of that Google Mars spoof they did for April Fools, but anyways.
I like the interaction between the main protagonist and his family. Each individual voice comes through perfectly, and im able to easily picture the characters in my mind.
The main character himself is a realistic character, and I find myself drawn to his cynicism and fear.
Can't wait to see just what makes this into a romance/thriller. Will be definitely keeping track of this story.
Keep it up, keep it coming, and I'll keep reviewing.
| Devil's Playground chapter 1 . 5/26/2010
I'm a total scifi nut, so I jumped on this as soon as I saw it. And wow, I was not disappointed. I've never read a story with the same premise before, and it's very interesting, as well as believable. I can see something like this happening at some point in the future, which makes it more realistic, and therefore more emotionally impactful. It's only the prologue and I already feel like I can sympathize with Daniel and his family for the situation they're in.
The language here is lovely. You seem to have a really good grasp of when to use lots of description, and when to cut back and let the story move more quickly. It all flowed very well. I loved the lines about fear blossoming in his stomach. I think you captured the feelings of fear and hopelessness very well, without making it melodramatic.
I find it interesting that it's his father, of all the family, who seems to really be breaking down about the news. I'm curious about the family dynamics, and already want to find out more about the whole family. Daniel's character is starting to show through in the narration, too, and he seems like he'll be fun to read about.
"this journal and its contents is my eulogy" - this sentence sounds off to me. I'm not sure if it should be "are my eulogy"... or, it might sound better just cut down to "this journal is my eulogy." It's more blunt and to-the-point.
Overall, I really like this. It's a cool concept, and I'd be very interested in reading more.
| Lilchany chapter 1 . 5/25/2010
This was an interesting start. I'm definitely intrigued to find out the rest. I liked the tone of the story; one of hopelessness. I like the way Daniel thinks, very practical and realistic. Overall, I like the prologue because it has piqued my interest.
From GF. Can you please return the favor by reviewing any story on my profile. Thanks :)
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| William G. Thorne chapter 1 . 5/24/2010
Amazingly done! It has a wonderful sense of mystery and suspense to it from the get-go, which is a trait I love to see in stories. Though I am not one for sci-fi I think I will be enjoying this one thoroughly!