|Reviews for Kuekuatsu Vol 1: The Fate of a Lycanthrope(old version)|
| Cole Culain chapter 13 . 8/20/2010
You know, I'm not such a fan of the Scarlet chapters. No offense, but katsu and the enochians do much cooler stuff.
Now, I know you obviously couldn't have changed anything from my last review, but again, show, don't tell. Many things in this chapter could easily have been inferred, but you just went right at it and said it anyway. It's not a bad thing, and honestly, it's just how some people write. But it sounds more professional to make the readers think a bit. Other than that, a good chapter overall.
| Cole Culain chapter 12 . 8/20/2010
Okay, a bit more intriguing than the previous chapter, that's good. I actually read the entire thing, no skimming at all. Well, these Enochians seem to be an interesting bunch...
Okay, I'm pretty sure some english teacher has told you this before but let me reiterate. Show, don't tell. You really seemed to drag this chapter out by writing down things that could obviously be inferred. For example, when the enochians flew to the crater, you could have just said they unfurled their wings and arrived seconds later instead of saying "they flew over". Let the reader infer, because in some cases (mine at least) it makes it easier to visualize the scene.
Only one other note this time. Does the red enochian speak with an accent? The way you wrote some of his dialogue (the abbreviations of some words and the like) made me think he had either a Boston or Brooklyn accent... XD
| Cole Culain chapter 11 . 8/20/2010
Not a bad chapter. A few grammar errors, nothing severe. I'll admit, it got a little boring the way it dragged on and I skimmed a bit, but you did a good job of developing scarlet's character a bit more.
| Cole Culain chapter 10 . 8/20/2010
Oh, that's a great way to end the chapter. I really want to read more now.
Alright, my comments. At the beginning, your tense was messed up a little bit. You used present tense and then shifted into past tense for the rest of the chapter.
Keiko's reactions to seeing ketsu seem... jumbled somehow. Very confused and incoherent.
It said Axel put a paw on Keiko's shoulder. That seems strange, because I pictured them as fully human, with pointed ears on their head and tails, like Kita in Blazing Heart. Unless their term for hand is paw.
Keiko really seems like a ditz. Not like Lexa, a vengeful, scary smart, warrior princess who appears as a ditz, but just a full blown ditz.
I knew the Enochians were angels of some kind. I hope these come into play later. They seem really interesting.
Kaylan is training to use magic? It seems strange that the youngest child is learning magic before the eldest...
My final note is that Tsukyomi is often portrayed as an aloof, dark, scheming male deity. The way you have him/her/it is good too, but I just felt I should let you know.
Anyways, a great chapter. I look forward to delving deeper into your work.
| Cole Culain chapter 9 . 8/18/2010
Hm. Wasn't the same as the past few chapters, but it really cleared some stuff up. I'm impressed you were able to write nine chapters about just one day. Nine chapters into Blazing heart and it's been a couple of weeks...
The headmaster title seems to be hereditary, right? It also sounds like you based him a little bit off dumbledore...
In this chapter there were some minor grammar fixes, but nothing you couldn't fix on a read through. I think I'm going to stop nitpicking on the grammar stuff, just give you general reminders.
| Cole Culain chapter 8 . 8/18/2010
Cool. Really cool chapter.
Okay, so this is a nice father/son moment. I like that. It fit really well, and seemed natural.
After this chapter, I feel like I answered my question about why the lycans live close to nature. Their magic stems from nature itself, so to use it they need to be close to it. I think.
Ok, so the grandfather reveal was good, but... eh... lacking. The one thing I noted was that if his grandfather was 300 years old, then his father must be quite old. That means werewolves have very long lives. Right?
| Cole Culain chapter 7 . 8/18/2010
Wow, chapters keep on getting better. Good work. Now, I feel that there are a few grammar fixes to be made. First, feel free to use conjunctions like I'm, We'll, Let's, etc. I noticed you have them speaking very formally, which is odd, since they're just teenagers XP. Save that for when they're talking to the werewolf king or grand mage or something. Also, you use Yea a lot. I don't know why you do this, most people use Yeah with an h. Not criticizing or whatever, but I'm curious to know why you do that.
I liked your explanation of teleportation, it made sense (kinda).
Commas are getting better, a little bit.
The shouting match was oddly placed. I feel like that needed to be addressed. I also noted Tsukiyomi. More japanese cultural references for the Lycans...
| Cole Culain chapter 6 . 8/18/2010
Okay, another good chapter. I like the progress I see. Now, I've started to write down my comments on looseleaf, and I'll transpose them here.
Still need work on those commas.
Just a note, when you say Dad, as in the name it is capitalized, but when you say "he's my dad," it's lower case. I picked that up a few times.
I noticed another hint of oriental style language in the berries. Kind of cool.
When a different person is speaking, start a new paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader.
I STILL have no idea why Katsu went into the woods. It never was explained well. Maybe you could work on that?
Enochians? Cool name. I hope you elaborate on this race later. Are they like angels or something?
Okay, so finally. Katsu's mom can use magic? Katsu's dad can use magic! Does this mean that any Lycan willing to put in the time or effort can use magic?
| Cole Culain chapter 5 . 8/18/2010
Hey, Spriggs, I'm back. I was actually back monday night, but I had some things to take care of so... yeah. Here come the reviews.
Each chapter I can see your writing style improving, and that's very good. There are consistently less and less mistakes, and I'm happy to say you look like you are progressing well.
Just a few minor grammar fixes I need to address. First off, tense. In the first few paragraphs, you switch between future and present tense several times. As a reader, this is confusing. Also, about a sixth of your sentences are way to choppy and several just go on and on. Try to fix this.
Finally a minor note for me. The technological differences in this world are enormous. Ketsu and his family quite literally live in a cave, while Scarlet and the rest of the wizard/witch/sorcerer whatever community lives in a very high-tech society. Any reason for this?
| The lone canine chapter 15 . 8/18/2010
This was a nice chapter, getting to know the two people who I think were the assassins, at least one of them was. Great chapter with information. Update soon!
| The lone canine chapter 14 . 8/18/2010
Assassins, great. Just great. That's just what Kuekuatsu and his family needed. Not really...:(
Hope he'll be okay. Great chapter though, I love you fight scenes. :)
| The lone canine chapter 13 . 8/18/2010
Sorry I stopped mid reading. Had to get off, but I am back now, and ready to read some more. Great chapter once more, and Physical Exams...ugh...their just horrible.
| The lone canine chapter 12 . 8/17/2010
"Half-assed". That's a new one I've never heard before. I'll remember that one for sure. I wonder who these two cloaked figures are. Great chapter again!
| The lone canine chapter 11 . 8/17/2010
Long chapter indeed. I do believe this was the longest one so far, and based on the length of the story so far I can assume that there's going to be longer chapters in the future. Great chapter!
| The lone canine chapter 10 . 8/17/2010
So Kuekuatsu met the Moon Princess eh? That certainly makes things a lot more interesting. 'Cave of Elements' huh? That sounds really interesting. Great chapter like usual!