Haha, Bella used to be a BOY? Oh wow, no wonder he always complained. Well, great chapter. I can't wait to find out how Celeste knows Ichi's dad. Why do I have this weird feeling that Bella was the result of whatever relationship they had togther? But I seriously can't wait to see what happens next!

~Layla

oh! cliff hanger! nice job ;)

Hm, interesting. I can't believe how strict those rules are. Who i would do that to a person, treat them like that? Either way, it was a great chapter. It was very interesting to learn more about the Shop of Wishes, too. I can't wait to see what happens next!

~Layla

That was a great chapter, it was really well written and the ending was shocking. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes. I can't wait to see what happens next now, that's really sad how Chad has to take over for her, and how she's dying. It'll be really interesting to see how she knew Ichi's dad too. Keep up the great writing, I can't wait to read the next update.

This is definitely an interesting story. It's really cool to see where you are going with it, and I can't wait to read more. Keep up the great writing.

Hm. Interesting chapter. I think that Chad is falling for Celeste! _ It's sad that Ichi lied, though. I wonder what his punishment will be? And who's that man? I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter!

~Layla

Hm. I think you should keep both, because you can see a little bit more from both sides. You didn't see the same stuff as Ichi, so it gave a little bit more insight to it, and I think it made it flow better. But of course, it's your story, so you should decide.

~Layla

:] i feel a twist about to come. Good job, can't wait for the next chapter :)

Sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth- I might have to get mine out soon. Blech. But, anyway, I liked this chapter. It was interesting to see what was happening in Ichi's (Which, by the way, is quite the unusal name)world, and his siter. The only thing I found a little off was the end, with his sister's. When I first read the last part though, I thought it was still in Ichi's point of veiw, so I was thoroghly confused, but it cleared up real soon. That's about the only thing I found wrong with this chapter. Hope I helped!

~Layla

I think this chapter is actually very nice. Even if you were on painkillers! lol!

One thing I thought I might point out though. I found it a bit awkward reading from Ichi's point of view. I assume this is because the reader is more familiar with him. But in the future, if you're going to be writing a more "romantic" scene, I would advise writing from the female partner's point of view.

Why, you might wonder?

Because most of your readers (given that this is a romance/fantasy) story, are female readers. So if it's a girl's point of view we can more easily identify with it. It's nice to read her point of view since we can imagine his handsome face and how nice it is to feel his protective arms around us and his sexy, tight abs beneath our fingers. We can appreciate that much more easily than we can imagine appreciating a sexy girl or whatever. lol! See what I mean?

And that's not to say ALL your readers are girls, but when writing romance I often find that the majority are.

First person provides a feeling of oneness with the character. The reader sort of imagines herself as the character to really get into the story. So it gets awkward when a first person character is getting into a steamy situation with a girl. XD

But at the same time, I like how you chose the ? character's point of view. We, the readers, really sympathize with her. We put ourselves in her shoes and feel her fear and regret. And most of all we find ourselves wanting to know "what did she do?" and "will she be okay?" And you know what that means! We want to read the next chapter ASAP! You definitely get an A for building suspense! Now go forth and write some more! :)

Very interesting! This story is very fresh. Fantastical, but still down to earth. Very unique. And it has a subtle taste of mystery to it too.

I'm guessing the characters live closer together than they realize and also have quite a bit in common when it comes to their past! For instance, I find it suspicious that Mrs Anderson doesn't want to talk to Chad about a certain car accident...

Anyway, lovely job so far! I look forward to reading more!

As for your question about average story length?

There's no average number of chapters for any story. You'll know when it's time to end it. It's just something that comes naturally.

Some authors (like myself) can carry on a story for 40 chapters and never regret a single one. XD

Some prefer 10. My advice is to try for short and sweet, but not to the point that you feel rushed. Stay in your comfort zone, and always remember that there's no such thing as too short. Because even if you do look back and feel that you ended it too early, there's always room for a sequel.

Hey again! ) Hope you don't mind if I just hop into some spot-critiques. I don't know how explicitly instructive this will be, but feel free to ask for further clarification. )

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"I tapped my foot, waiting for the woman to make her offer."

Tapping one's foot is a universal sign of waiting, yes, but be explicit as to the connection between the two phrases.

- "I tapped my foot. It ticked like the second hand of a clock, relentlessly churning time forward despite the woman's attempt to grind it into a halt with indecision." Maybe a little flowery, but just make sure that you don't use gestures as literary gimmicks/shortcuts. I'm horribly guilty of this, too, and I'm not sure how to avoid it, but there you go. ;)

"she hesitated, twirling her brown hair with her index finger,"

Meh. Similar situation as above.

- "she wound her brown hair around her index finger, perhaps attempting to slow down the clocks my foot reminded her of," Perhaps and onwards is completely optional - it provides a little more narrative depth to your narrator, but it's also wordy for a dialogue tag. That's more of a stylistic preference, though. What isn't, though, is the gimmick gesture. )

"I shook my head, my long, curly orange hair bouncing slightly with the motion,"

AH! It's only the third sentence and you're already stuffing a character description in! No! Well, thank you for not throwing in the whole body description...but anyway...there's a tasteful, subtler way to describe character appearances. Just...does it have to come so soon?

- "I shook my head, sending orange curls bobbing into my face," Not the best example, but general rule of thumb: if you have more adjectives than nouns, you're being too wordy. One noun, one adjective. Two adjectives is acceptable, but not all the time. You're writing a book, and this is your main character. It's not like this is the only opportunity you'll get to describe her hair. )

"'Disgusting,' I thought to myself, trying to keep composed, 'Offering up a day of her own friend's life in exchange for an extra day of her own.' Again, I shook my head,"

Well, who else would she be thinking to? Who else would even be doing the thinking? Since this in first person, is there even a need for italicized thoughts? She's telling the story as it's happening, isn't she? Not from the future?

- "Disgusting. Desperate. Again, I shook my head," We already know that the woman offered up someone else's day. Redundancy redundant.

"'Then Justin!' she begged, 'Take him!'"

Judging by her words, the situation, and the exclamation points, 'she begged' is fluff.

-"'Then Justin! Take him!'" Yay, sweet simplicity.

"I sighed, nodding,"

- "" No need for your dialogue tags. We got the mood from the previous bit about 'the things humans are willing to give for an extra day of life.' I liked that part. )

General question: Let me get this straight. In exchange for 24-hours, she's KILLING one of her friends? For a mere 24-hours? If she's that deplorable a person, or that desperate, you definitely need to go into further detail. Either before this price offer, or after. Characterize this woman. Make her someone who really would kill their friend just for one day. Right now, I'm like WTF? Pardon the French.

"She signed and then looked back at me,"

Gimmicky. People's body language says a lot about the person - what she's feeling about her present settings. This would be a place to go into further detail about what she's thinking about this whole deal. I don't know what you planned, but here's an example of the potential in this moment:

- "She watched the pen with a ravenous frenzy, devouring her own signature as the ink dried. She was hunched over the contract, more like a wild animal than a human being, and when her eyes snapped back up to meet mine, I half expected to hear a grunt."

In the rest of the chapter, the main issue is definitely the gimmicky gestures. Seriously. Explore what you can say about characters just by describing how they move. Deepen your narrator by having her observe and analyze these things. She's essentially a sales-woman, isn't she? Sales-people are notorious people-scouts.

All in all, not too shabby! I didn't despise the character descriptions of the father and daughter (how does she know they're father and daughter, though? is eye color really that telling? explain how/why-she-thinks she knows they're father and daughter), but they were still disjointed.

Good job, hope I didn't get too harsh, and I'll be going over your other chapters sometime soon!

Hi! I really like your story so far... it sounds really good, and I can't wait to see where you go with it. I really like your characters; tey're all very interesting, and so is the concept. As for your question about how long it should be, I don't think there is a limit, really. I've seen stories from two chapters long, to sixy chapters. Just use as many as you think will be good for your story. Hope I helped!

~Layla

Omg this is realyy good :] finish it soon please. You'ved got yourself a regular reader here.

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Chocolate Unicorn

Awesome story! keep writing,and I have read stories here with over 20 chapters, and a few with less than 14. I think you should keep writing for as long as you want the story to be. Sorry if I wasn't any help.