Reviews for Shop of Wishes |
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UJWF0WFW0FWE0WEF0 chapter 2 . 7/12/2010 Not enough is happening in the story yet...it's just not entertaining enough to keep my attention. Not terrible though. |
UJWF0WFW0FWE0WEF0 chapter 1 . 7/12/2010 Hmm. Something about this reminds me of the manga Pet Shop of Horrors. It reminds me even more of Xholic. That said, it's interesting so far. I just hope you differentiate it more in future chapters. |
rubberduckie22 chapter 4 . 7/12/2010 hi again! great, great job on the latest chapter, i love it how it's in a different point of view than the rest of the story so far. i especially like the first part, because it shows Bella's personality-you did a great job with that. about your question, i'd say there's probably 18-20 chapters on average, but it totally depends on how long you make them. you can write really short chapters but have a lot more of them, or vice versa... hope i helped, can't wait to read the next part! |
64ShatteredButterflys chapter 3 . 7/8/2010 THIS IS REALLY GOOD! |
rubberduckie22 chapter 3 . 7/8/2010 amazing job so far! this is such an original idea, i love it! i'm so looking forward to the next chapter ]] keep up the good work! |
bCq chapter 3 . 7/8/2010 I am totally in love with this story! love your naming sense too! I cannot wait to see whether Chad does pay his price... |
Open your eyes Chopstick chapter 1 . 7/8/2010 Woah...this is a run on sentence. It doesn't flow. Try chopping it up, or rewording it: " Obviously, since I'm the owner, I grant the wishes of the shop's customers, but every wish has its price." "Her eyes lit up and she nodded, "Okay, I get it." I raised my eyebrows, "So? What do you want? State your name and your wish." "- if someone else starts talking, in this case the owner talks, then the customer, then the owner again, then it starts in a new paragraph. Ex:Her eyes lit up and she nodded, "Okay, I get it." I raised my eyebrows, "So? What do you want? State your name and your wish." See? new paragraph. This way, the reader isn't confused on who's talking. I agree with clay-heart. But, it seems you already made the change? That's good. The last sentence was good. Hard. solid. Good job. It was definitly a nice way to end it. I have to say though...this story reminds me of this one shojo manga. I can't remember the title right now, but it was in shojo beat once. Dream cafe? no...I can't remember the title. Well...anyways. As long as you have no idea what i'm talking about, then it'll turn out original, i'm sure. :) Good luck with this! And, if you're interested in fantasy stories, do you want to read my story "A Princess summoning"? Thanks. :) |
Eternal Skies chapter 2 . 7/5/2010 this chapter was even more creative i love the dreamy feel to it-reminds me of anime/manga there were a few spelling mistakes, so recheck the chapter |
Eternal Skies chapter 1 . 7/5/2010 a shop of wishes! this sounds almost new and original (it's kinda similar to the idea of selling souls to demons) i liked how you explained everything to us in an easier way instead paragraphs and paragraphs of info dump |
64ShatteredButterflys chapter 2 . 7/1/2010 THIS IS REALLY GOOD! |
clay-heart chapter 1 . 6/28/2010 Hello there! ) I hope you don't mind if I just jump straight to some critiques...this may be a short chapter but I've got a decent amount to say about it. lol. 1. Bland Phrases I'm not really sure how to explain this properly, but here goes. You have a tendency to really stretch things out, for dramatic effect or something. Unfortunately, obtuse, repetitive prose is about as dramatic as watching paint dry. Write what you mean and mean what you write. Don't hide behind passiveness and deadwood. It's not mysterious, it's boring. Example: "If you wish hard enough you might just meet me and have that wish granted. The question is; are you willing to pay the price?" Compared to: "Every wish has its price - what will you pay for yours?" You've already stated that the shop "can only be accessed by those who wish for something with every fiber of their being" (Note: 'every fiber of their being' is a cliche - consider using something else). Admittedly, you've already said my suggestion too, but starting with about the same sentence you started on can give a nice, rounded sense of closure to a piece (particularly with short stuff like this). My recommendation is just to go in and tighten everything up. Be concise and blunt, whenever possible. 2. Organization If you're going to start this story by explaining the price of wishes, you should probably tack on the "the price of that wish depends upon the value of that wish" sentence beside it, just to keep them together. Also, maybe make this more of an actual scene, as if she's reading over a contract or explaining the rules to a customer. Right now I'm not getting any feel for setting. 3. Repetition "The price of that wish depends upon the value of that wish." It's fine to use the word "it," you know. When you keep saying wish over and over again, without really needing to, it gets downright annoying. Consider changing: "Every wish has its price, granted or not. The one who makes the wish must understand and pay the wish's price, lest the wish steal their heart." Into (with some other stylistic changes, maybe): "Every wish has its price. The wish-makers must understand that and pay, lest the wishes steal their hearts." This preview could've easily (and probably should've) been boiled down to half its size. So little of what you said actually MEANT anything. It was fluff, pure and simple. 4. Typos "Dyer" is someone/thing who dyes clothes and such - "dire" is "urgent." "..something with every fiber of there being" - should be "their" not "there." You've got some major pronoun disagreements - "one" is a singular word, so make sure that you don't say "their" later on. It should be "his" or "her." - Sorry if this came across as harsh. I just hope something I said helps you improve. If you'd like me to review your next chapter, I'd be more than happy to. Also, if you like vampire stories, would you mind taking a peek at "A Red, Red Moon"? ) Thanks for posting and good luck! |
Aya Marie Love chapter 2 . 6/28/2010 Interesting! What a sweet father and child, I can't wait to read more! |
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