|Reviews for Premoniscence|
| clockwork kiss chapter 1 . 11/23/2010
The flow of this piece was very smooth, and it really rolled off the tongue. I love how the Bs in the last half of the first stanza work together.
Your assonance and alliteration work nicely, I think. There is not a lot of awkward phrasing, and that is very important here, given the theme of your piece.
The word choice in your poem was fun for the word play, but sometimes I think it went a tiny bit overboard, and there was some reptetiveness with the word truth. Also, I think the "they're like" in the second stanza distracts form the powerful image of the quartz- maybe "quartz-like, they energize" or maybe turn it into a metaphor rather than a simile.
The description in the first two lines of the second stanza is definitely the strongest part of the poem, and is really striking. The last part is a very interesting little bit of philosophy tied up in word play, but if you could, I think it would be made a lot stronger if you could put in some concrete and specific details.
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 6/19/2010
I would just like to forewarn you that I am terrible at reviewing poetry, and that my comments will most likely be neither as coherent, nor eloquent, as
This poem is beautiful. Absolutely mesmerizing in its rhythm and word combination. The rhymes fit so smoothly into the piece, and just slide off one another and mingle with the rest of the verses. It subtly elevates the overall brilliance of this, and I often found myself re-reading lines, just so I could experience the shiver and awe that moved me to deep contemplation.
“mouth felt like thunder” was a brilliant line. Oh my, I don’t even have words to describe what I felt when I read that. Some sort of childlike awe, from such a clever combination. People’s voices thunder, but I’ve never imagined a mouth *feeling* like thunder.
I would now like to make it known that I am a horror with dissecting a poem’s true meaning, or possible multiple meanings; so please don’t be offended, or think me a dunce, if I end up being completely off the mark here.
“breaking bread they cannot eat” – This line hit me hard when I first read it. Rereading it now, it’s still leaving quite an impression. What does it mean, though? Why can they not eat the bread? What’s so special about it? Or perhaps it’s only ceremonial, and they simply have no need or desire to eat; it’s all only for show. Then we go on to “and dare not share” and I’m picturing selfish gods breaking bread simply for ceremonial purposes, while the hungry common people(or other entities if you will) look on. Perhaps I’m wrong though. Regardless, I love these lines.
“Every single blaring offering to you is there/of here, or in between my ears/or somewhere too close to be near” – Again with the subtle rhyme. It’s so smooth and slips off my tongue like silk and slides through the senses seductively (I got a little carried away there, but I really am quite impressed with this). I’m afraid I don’t understand this one though. I love the imagery, especially the “or in between my ears/or somewhere too close to be near”. It has a sort of chilling effect; that something would be so close it could no longer be considered near. It makes me think back on god(s), and his ever presence (I can’t think of the correct word); his essence being everywhere at once – near and far, so close it’s no longer near. I think I may be grasping at something that’s not there, though; I really can’t figure out what this could mean.
“I am aware of how lately I've been waking late/elated and strangely brave, unafraid of/breaking as I bend into the bed at any hour/bare and concave” – This was just beautiful, oh my. I can’t remember what the rhythm here reminds me of, because I read poetry so sparingly; but the execution with this, so solid and so flawless and just so... I don’t know. This whole piece is outstanding. Oh man, and I just re-read it again and noticed the rhyme. See what I mean? They don’t jump out at you, they just stand there almost invisibly, fortifying the poem overall. You are so talented, I’m so friggan impressed it’s disgusting.
“thinking of how your mouth felt like thunder/you spoke a light into my lunacy” – Here we go. This is the big stuff right here. As I said earlier, I think this line is brilliant. I love the “[speaking] light into my lunacy.” That’s just such a wonderful image. I don’t even know how to describe it, these lines are just marvellous. It got a huge reaction from me, and since you followed it up with some alliteration/assonance, I just can’t help re-reading it over and over again. But of course we have to move on; can’t be stuck on two lines of poetry for the rest of my life, now can I?
“and I write now with arms motorized... thoughts of our motion” – You do this so skilfully throughout the entire piece. You make subtle parallels between lines and just slide them in there, barely noticed.
“I am thinning” – What to say about this? So much really, but I don’t think I’ll be able to write it coherently enough; so I’ll just say that I love this image. Especially combined with the follow up “male and graceless” I can’t help but find this so incredibly revealing in its honesty. “and imprecisely sure, within” – I don’t know what to say about this, other than I find it endearing, and I think it (yet again) contrasts the preceding line quite nicely.
“that one true love is enough for any truthful lover/I mix reminiscing about how I thought here was no other/with premonitions of there never being another” – I’m swooning here. This is just so beautiful, my goodness.
“and I take cover in the void/now further from you and closer to the truth” – Shivers. This gave some lovely shivers. I also like how “cover” fits with your previous rhyme. It’s not that noticeable either, it just slithers its way in there and sits between the previous and final line quite contentedly.
Well, I think I’ve droned on about this for long enough. I still feel like I’m missing some crucial points, and perhaps I didn’t even get one of them. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed this piece, and I hope I didn’t defile it in any way, by my senseless blathering. Congratulations on winning the June WCC, I’m eager to find out what you will choose to be July’s prompt. I believe you requested A Psalm of Sinew to be reviewed if you won. I didn’t participate in this month’s WCC because what I had written I think would be more useful as hamster cage lining; regardless, I’ll hit you up with another review soon. Hopefully I can step up my writing game with the next prompt; so make it good. ;)
With well wishes,
| Kackex chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
CONNECTION TO PROMPT - I thought the connection to the prompt was beautiful. It wasn't obvious but it was enough to be considered abstract, So I tottally got it.
STYLE - Did you follow a rhyme scheme or imabaric pentameter because it just sounds plain out awesome. Your writing flows so smoothly it sounds like you structured this ahead of time.
DIRECTION - Your story is almost like a riddle. I couldn't get most of the elements in your writing and I enjoyed the level of complexity your poem is, though overdoing this can result in confusion and lower the standard of the poem.
ENJOYMENT - I throughly enjoyed your work, its alot better than what I write. It was complex, easy to read and flowed almost like it followed a rhyme scheme or imabaric pentameter. I can't wait to read more of your works, if incentive allows.
Keep writing, Would you kindly,
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
I like the notion of ‘all of these deities’ it makes me think that Zeus and Buddha and Madam Christ all got together and were chilling like a bunch of poets playing with words. It was a nice image.
Loved the use of “Concave.”
Your use of thunder made me think of Zeus; mentally think I’m going to have to stick with Zeus from now on. Also with this area as in so many other of your pieces you bring up your male-ness, which I like. I think I’ve told you before how delicate and genuine your writing is - totally not a bad thing – and I like how you bring that up to remind the reader to not fall into a separate notion of thinking who is speaking. I hope that makes sense right there.
The idealism of this truthful lover is interesting; it makes me think of the wanting and haunting since of love and how it relates differently to people – one person could be madly in love, while the other feels nothing. It’s so one-dimensional when you think of it. A facade really.
And I do agree with you’re a/n, very strange quote. Keep up the good work, and congrats again on winning!
| learntosayhello chapter 1 . 6/9/2010
I think "everybody could see it" it to point out the irony that the claim that God made something from nothing and so on, was created whilst everything was already created. You know. Kind of disproving the theory of God.
Or not, whatever.
I liked this! I mean, out of all the pieces entered that related to religion, yours was just.. I don't know, really good. Nice to read. "I am thinning, male and graceless, and imprecisely sure, within.." and it's like woah man.
So I liked it :D I hope you do well in the contest.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 6/6/2010
I love the way this is formatted. How all the lines were uneven, and sometimes the flow of words continues to the next line and sometimes there's a pause to make it vary and spice things up. I like your word choices too, since I don't usually see a lot of them in poems. "motorized", "muscles", "concave", "blaring"... I don't know why but they just struck me as original and all.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
Wonderful flow here. I liked the way the words roll of the tongue, each line seemed well thought out but at the same time flawless. I liked your word choice in a lot of different places too, like "quartz" and "mouth felt like thunder" and "with arms motorised". The metaphors made for some really great imagery. I think one of my favorite lines was "I am aware of how lately I've been waking late," because you did some internal matching up with the line, and it just hit home for me. The first stanza also ended perfectly and at the right place. This had wonderful wordplay/wordsmithing, which is conviently something you reference O: It's almost like a meta-poem, haha.
As far as the prompt, you know, I just thought it was supposed to be sarcasm. Like, isn't it saying "Why would God invent "light" first when there was no one to see it or anything for light to shine on?" So it's just pointing out, "WTF?" in a way, XD. But yeah. Cool take on it. And very best of luck!
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
I love the gentle rhyming and rhythm to this, it creates this awesome, relentess flow, so much so that i occasionally lost track of the meanining because i was sucked into the beauty of the sound of it. ok, so more than occasionally :)
"dare not share." I wonder why not? is it the bread as body of christ type bread, or some other kind of metaphorical bread? i like the idea that the gods can't break their own homage-bread.
the bit "I am thinning,
male and graceless, and imprecisely
sure," really took me too, 'imprecisely sure' is such a lovely turn of phrase, such a perfect concept. great last line too, sounds wonderfully honest so it brings the reader really close to the narrator, not kept at bay by layers of pretence or false hope.
lol, as for why everybody was there to see the nothing, i assumed it meant that God hadn't in fact created those somebodies, that they were hanging around whilst God was doing his world creating thing, thinking himself all powerful and primal and such, when in fact, there were others watching and critiquing ;) just my take.
Good luck in teh WCC!
| xenolith chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
Well this is beautiful. That ending, and the way it sounds... just, wow. I really liked this line:
'you spoke a light into my lunacy'
I'm still trying to figure out the connections between the first part of the poem, the last, and the quote, but that's not a bad thing I don't think. This was a pleasure to read, all the best in the WCC.
| deefective chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
This was really quite lovely. I love the subtle rhyming done throughout this. It wasn't obvious and didn't feel placed, either. Everything just flowed beautifully from line to line. The imagery was great as well, it really set this pensive yet almost mystical tone. I liked the ending as well, that was perfectly executed. I'm usually undecided with most endings in poetry, even my own, but I feel as if this couldn't have ended sooner or later. It just felt right. I also liked the subtle religious references in this, they were all cleverly done. Overall, I really like this. Nicely done.
[As for the quote, it all depends on how you look at it. I had about three completely different interpretations when I first read it. Makes for a good WCC, haha.]
| Isca chapter 1 . 6/2/2010
"Breaking bread they cannot eat." Well, damn. What a brilliant line.
"Strangely brave." I like this word pair; it's intriguing.
"Thinking of how your mouth felt like thunder." Wow. What a stunning simile (and very Zeus-like, if I might add). :D
"You spoke a light into my lunacy." Where are these gems coming from?
"And I take cover in the void." This struck me hard. I find 'the void' a beautiful concept; just...nothingness, silence. I love that.
Good luck in the WCC this month! :)
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/1/2010
The choice of words and the muted, but still deep, emotion that you potrayed flows brilliantly and begs one to take a moment to reflect on it. I have quite an appetite for written works (or anything else, for that matter) that must be unraveled layer by layer to get at the true meaning(s) beneath it. There were certainly a lot of paradoxical elements to your writing, which both boggles and tempts my mind into a nice sphere of contemplation. Quite a rare gift to have and hard enough to put in verse. I particularly like the last few lines which contain so many implications which can be interpreted in just as many ways. Kudos to you! I think you did a fine job and good luck in this month's competition :)