|Reviews for Perceptions|
| Narq chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
A very emotion-packed piece.
like I'm choking nothing but air. My heart constricts and relaxes impatiently, irregularly; and it feels like it's ripping itself into pieces...
- being picky, but "choking (on) nothing but air
- the "impatientyly" irregularly" could be shown instead of described using the adver
- I note that you seemed to be playing around with extremes (pain, stinging, hoping that you were born deaf ect), so broken heart seems almost too passive, almost a bit cliche. How about "shredded heart"?
My eyes are glued to her, wrapping her arms around your waist and giggling suggestively...
- "My eyes are glued to her" - good but then you might want to rethink: "glued to her, her arms around her waist," maybe? and also, be careful because you're talking about the eye images so you couldn't just say giggling suggestively - you'd be describing how you see her giggling suggestively.
| silver112 chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
... this hit me hard...
translation: it really.. spoke the truth. :)
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 6/27/2010
I loved this, like all of your works! :D
I really enjoyed that this was in first person, since you could get a better grip on the character's feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. :)
The girl is SO realistic as well! :D Keep on writing, my friend!
P.S. I am SO glad that you're back! :D
P.P.S. Um, I reviewed 'Our Remembrance', so I don't know if you will return that review. But, if you do not mind, could you please payback via Reborn? I don't think you've read that yet... _
| waitingforwhatever chapter 1 . 6/27/2010
"but being played, so many times"-leave out the comma.
"irregularly; and it feels like it's ripping itself into pieces..."-separate into two sentences.
"I try tuck"-I try *to* tuck..
I thought it was a very interesting spin on the prompt and it shows how creative you are. I love the way it was written. I like all the "..."'s because it added a nice touch-like her thoughts were constantly drifting, because there were just so much of them. xD Great job!
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 6/14/2010
Wow I love this! :D
I am glad that I decided to look at this :D
It was a totally different take on the prompt, made me wonder how many different things can arise from a single sentence, surprising, really.
I really really love your take!
| seredemia chapter 1 . 6/12/2010
Oh dear. I think I can relate to this. Damn it. *teary eyes*
I love how this is in first person, and it looks like she's saying it to someone... If you know what I mean... It makes it more... direct. *sobs*
'Rejection, I could deal with, but being played, so many times-it just makes me bitter.' - I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. Oh geez... This is a really well done piece. I love because it actually shows a lot of emotion.
I love how the girl is so realistic... Even though she knows it'll hurt if she keeps on looking, she can't help herself...
'My heart swells with a sense of hope, and my mind screams at me to shut it down, before it can infiltrate my system again. I can't... I can't do this anymore!' - This is making me cry... I've experienced this feeling WAY too much, and to read about it in such a beautiful detail is... wonderful and kind of heartbreaking at the same time...
Well, this was amazing! Where the hell do you vote? I wanna vote! Guess who I'm voting for ;)
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
Wow. I like this. The details were really great.
| esurio08 chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
I liked the italicized parts, I thought they were really effective. To a certain point, I empathized with the character. The way you described the pain that he was feeling was really poetic. I still saw some grammatical errors but yeah, I like this piece. Good job :D
| Alice Novak chapter 1 . 6/11/2010
Hmm.. what to say.
I can't really imagine what the hallway looks like. Neither can I see what's happening.
Okay, I get what's happening. It's like this girl seeing a vision of someone she likes being with someone else.
But I can't imagine it. Like, what's the vision like? Is the guy and the girl silhouettes? Do they have a definite shape? Or did the protagonist just knew who they were?
To put it simply, there's not enough description.
Some of the thoughts are also too long. You can separate them into different paragraphs.
Try doing a line per paragraph for thoughts?
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 6/9/2010
Oh, God... Did you know what you were doing on that day when you created light? Could you have guessed that my perception of the world would eventually tear me apart? Did you know that beforehand, God? Because if you did, that's the sickest joke I've heard in a long time..
-This is some heavy stuff, Avid. So far I’m really diggin’ this piece. Oh man, the internal thoughts cut like a sharp blade straight to my soul (a little dramatic, but I thought it would only be appropriate to respond to such a beautiful piece, with a simile).
I look away, my heart splintering, until it feels like nothing except crushed fragments.
-I love that description “my heart splintering”. Forget about breaking, splintering sounds so much more painful.
A tear escapes, and it slides down my cheek, caressing it.
-Another beautiful line.
I think this was a wonderful first entry for the WCC. I was going to submit something, but it lacked emotion and sometimes I just can’t do those, ha-ha. Anyway, I really like what you have here. This is only the second entry I’ve read, but I think you have a damn good chance at winning. This was wonderful. Honestly, I really felt her pain. You described it so well. This is so tragic. –sniffles a little-
Let’s talk about that part where their eyes met, though. Holy talk about tension. My god, it was like I was sitting right there staring across at him too. You did a fantastic job at making me sympathize with her. Really, this was fantastic. The last line however (I know, there always has to be a “however”) was a tiny let down. It didn’t really hit me like it could of (especially after those torrent of emotions) and I actually had to read it twice for it to sink in. This is totally personal preference, I mean, the rest is pretty amazing so the ending isn’t too big a deal. Still, I thought you could have added a little more... I don’t know, really... just a little more "something”.
I thought you tied in the prompt quite nicely. I had a similar idea, only my character was a painter who went blind; before which, her boyfriend broke up with her, but then came back to comfort her when he found out. –sigh- I’m such a stupid romantic right now, I have no idea why. Anyway! Keep up the amazing work! I’ll be back to hit you up with some more reviews soon, and best of luck in the WCC!
P.s. I like your new icon. :)
| learntosayhello chapter 1 . 6/9/2010
I liiked it :D I could relate to every single goddamn word that narrator said, and how she accused God of a sick joke was a great display of how frustrated she was. I was half-afraid this was going to be religious, like everything else, but it really wasn't. Broken hearts can really rip you to pieces, and although the topic is overused, you didn't use it because you wanted a romance; you usued it because you wanted to show how easily someone's perception (aha, I like your title) can be ripped apart. Clever, clever. Like I said, I liked it. I hope you do well in the contest!
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/8/2010
Very nice. This was a good realistic piece portraying the pain of rejection and moving on. Your protagonist is not overly dramatic in her despair but it's still easy to identify with her pain. Your writing is simple but you definitely have a knack for pinpointing all the little nuances that come with the emotions that she feels. I find it both admirable and a bit heartbreaking at the same time when she says 'Tomorrow, I will be refined; I will be confident and happy enough. But today, I'll let my true emotions show, as I try tuck myself away from your view'. Two opposing views that gel perfectly together.
Well done :)
| William G. Thorne chapter 1 . 6/8/2010
i think my nack for detail is wearing off on you young grasshopper ;)
I really hope you win this, i am in awe to say the least.
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 6/7/2010
Wow, it was very emotional. There was a very good, effective use of figurative language and you expressed the narrator's emotions very well. I also noticed you didn't really use any dialogue yet managed to convey so much. Nice! I liked it.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 6/6/2010
You did a good job portraying emotions in this piece- it didn't come off as just-another-broken-heart, you know? I also did catch a few allusions to the prompt, but I liked that you mentioned them at the end. I didn't catch all of them, it seems. :)
Good job with this and good luck in WCC!