Well, I managed to finally get through this. I'd found your story on someone's profile under their favorites earlier this morning, and was stealthily (in a not-so-stealthy-way) reading it throughout my classes on my phone.

I really like this story, but there is, as you said, room for improvement. The plot is rather strong, and I like the characters, but the writing needs a bit of improvement (mostly the grammar). However, I was be dutifully awaiting for your updated version of this story.

- Destination

I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK AND SUCCES. And condolence to your family member. It is good to hear you want to improve your self and your writing. Ill be waiting, you bet I will.

lots of love

i look forward to your rewrites please post them soon

So cliche what the hell this sucks big time.

and where shall this be posted?

Good luck on rewriting, and writers block!

It figures that when I find a great story that I love, the author decides to put it on hold for a re-write ): lol.

Good luck with your editing (:

And I think posting your other stories on fp would be nice.

-K

Sorry to hear about your loss.

This story is great and can't wait to see your revised version. (:

i really love this story!

wherever you were planning on going with it you should continue. Try to just write for fun you will soon find out that you had an idea with you the whole time. Sometimes all it takes is to acutally start. :) As you write im sure you will find places where you will want to alter and rewrite.. soon you will have a finilized version of the vision you had. So dont give up all you need is a little push. you definantly have potential!

And sorry for your loss

ok you just killed me! that wasn't a nice cliffhanger! i hope you revise the story and find it's perfect so you can continue with the rest! :P i believe you'll eventually find what you want to improve and fix it! so good luck ( i do hope you will continue it though)

okay you've got me captivated! it really is pretty interesting.

I personnally really liked your story, even though I'll have to admit, you are right, there's room for improvement. First, your writing is good, let's be clear on that. But maybe you can be a little more clear with your character interactions. The 'I like him, I like him not? I hate him, I love him, I fear him..." does get a little hard to keep up with... maybe let it be more flowing than roller-coaster-like? Also, not let the human be so pathetic and defenseless, or rather let her grasp her magic a little more, like understand what's going on, maybe instinctively, and then wonder "how did i know that", since she actually knew it wouldn't be too hard to explain, but it would be good for her not to be JUST the burden, the annoying, capricious kid to whom you need to explain everithing... Also, Laz can use all her magic if ha wants, but it's still hers, right? Anyway, I think you just need to go on. My advice, put on another story and leave this one till you caught up with the edited version. Then take it down. And if you want a good reading, with a great writing style, I'll advise you "darkness becomes her" a retelling of the story of Hades and persephone. It's sublime. (on FP, will be on my fav list, but is also on AFF)

Anyway, my real advice is just KEEP WRITING. What you're doing is good, it'll improve on its own, along with you. No one can change or improve your story but you. Exept, maybe a professional editor, and even then you need to be careful. Take advice into consideration, but in the end the choice is yours. You're the only one who can really make your stories better. So far, it's good already. But you can always improve. I look forward to it. Go on!

very very good story! the plot is quite interesting and i like the way you write!

There is nothing wrong with revision! In the end it is you who should be fully satisfied with the finised product. You have kept the readers entertained with well rounded characters and a great plot. If you need a beta reader or ideas let me know. Keep up the great work and please don't leave us readers hanging for too long!

I'm sorry for your loss. I pray that you and your family are doing okay. Good luck with what you're doing with the story. I hope it turns out the way you want it to. Can't 'til you update! Its a great story!

I just hope that you get your life back on track soon and that you start updating soon! :) I can't wait to read any of the new stories that you are thinking about posting! I will review every single one if you do post them on fictionpress! :)

Peace, Love and Happiness! :)

~Bubbly Girl