Reviews for Dodging the Snare
Tekla chapter 2 . 9/18/2011
I really love the descriptions in the first paragraph. It really creates a great feel for the area, and it also sets the tone for the kind of people that live there too. Really good job.

Ooh, and the next paragraph totally destroys it. You tricky. XD

[[raising and razing]] I love this wordplay! It's so clever.

"the Empire" seems rather foreboding... very Star Wars in my head.

I like that you're laying out the city in such a simple way that it doesn't feel like an info-dump. The detail comes very naturally to both Amara and the reader, and I really appreciate that.

[[The streets grew cramped and the buildings musty and sagging, all seeming to huddle low to the ground feeling sorry for themselves.]] love this personification. I can easily see it in my head.

[[The stench of wood- and tobacco]] hai hypen wat'r u doin der

[["Ah, um, Ms. Reyi!"]] I'm not sure what the correct thing to do with this is, but couldn't you just type out 'Miss'? Abbreviations in dialogue always read awkwardly to me.

I'm really interested in Amara at present. Dom seems scared of her, but she's still cheeky enough to wink at the fishermen and play them along too. I'd love to see where her characterization goes from here.

Ooh, necromancer, shiny.

[[much-needed bath.

The next morning, ]] if you had some kind of break here before, it's gone now.

This city seems to have an unfortunate amount of bad luck. raided all the time and burned down by lightning? not to mention the storms and stuff that I'm sure batter it to pieces from time to time. alas!

Ah! Drama! I really liked this chapter, Lyra! Got everything goin' quick :D Given if you ever update, I'm interested to see why being a necromancer is a bad thing; particularly why the other healer saw bringing the boy back to life a bad thing. Is it common knowledge for necromancers to have made deals with the devil (or counterpart)? Or was that particular healer just upset? Fabulous world-building, great job again :D

-Sheriff
KittyB78 chapter 2 . 7/14/2011
Me again.

Be careful that the descriptions don't get to be too much. Getting just enough to convey what you want the reader to "See" without overdoing it is trick, but an absolute necessity.

Over doing the descriptions can bog down or even kill the relatively smooth flow of a story. If a reader gets bored, chances are they wont return to see the rest of the story. So every scene must be to help move the plot forward.
KittyB78 chapter 1 . 7/14/2011
Fair warning: My critiques can be pretty blunt. {Please understand what I have to say is directed solely at the writing, not the author and everything I say is only meant to help you improve your craft.

I have to say that for a prologue this was pretty good. It set a nice opening.

A bit of con crit: Most editors and published authors {at least the ones I've communicated with} will tell you that if you can start the story without a prologue then nix the prologue. Also a prologue is usually only "info dump" {back story before the story/action.}

What they look for instead {editors and publishers} is a solid opening hook. {one that will snag a reader's attention from the start and hold it.

As a matter of fact, I've learned that most publishers and editors will only read the first paragraph. So in essence you only have a few lines to impress them.

If the first paragraph doesn't snag them then it gets tossed into the rejection pile. Sad but true. Seeing as they literally go through hundreds if not thousand of manuscripts a day, they can't afford to linger too long if it's what they consider a flop.

-

Watch the repetitions. They can slow down the flow big time. Here is what I mean:

The demon backed away and vanished into the twilight. {this already tells us the demon vanished. Yet in the same paragraph you have "The demon was nowhere to be found."

That only repeats what we already know. Some readers lose interest after a set amount of repetitions, so be wary of them.
this wild abyss chapter 2 . 3/12/2011
“In the late afternoon, when the sun had started its descent toward the sea and golden light bathed the plains, a great dark blot of civilization, the walled city of Eyren, grew out of the horizon and cast its unwieldy shadow on the grasslands”

- Loving the description, but this sentence in general is a bit superfluous. It seems like you’re trying to fit every last bit of description into this single sentence. There are just so many appositives and modifying clauses that it’s really difficult to wade through. I think that this: “In the late afternoon, a dark blot of civilization grew out of the horizon and cast its unwieldy shadow on the grasslands. Bathed in the golden light of the sinking sun, this shadow was the walled city of Eyren.” sounds a little better. (Obviously you could tweak it and make it lots better). I’ve covered nearly all the same points there, but it’s easier to read. And also, that is technically the first sentence of your novel. You’re going to want something unique that’ll hook readers, not something that will smother them. But of course, if you decide that you want to keep it, that sentence is perfectly fine.

“ Amara had to wonder if the [Empire's contributions] would withstand hardship any better than past defenses.”

- I think we need a bit of explanation here. What has the Empire contributed? From context, I’m guessing that the Empire is helping renovate the city, but that was never really said outright, which made things confusing.

“Ms. Reyi”

- The common use of ‘Ms.’ is a fairly modern thing. Back in a Medieval-like world that you’ve created, the title is out of place. Of course, it’s your world, so you can do what you like, but ‘Ms.’ will have certain connotation to readers that you might want to avoid. ‘Miss’ or ‘Lady’ or better yet, a title that you make up yourself, would work a lot better here.

So, this was really a good chapter. I couldn’t find much wrong with it at all. I loved your descriptions in the first half. They really set the stage for the chapter and gave us a look into what kind of world you’d created, what with the negative mentions of the Empire and the run-down state of the city. Description is really fantastic, and there can never be too much.

Amara is turning out to be interesting. There really wasn’t any development in this chapter, so you should probably make sure you touch on her next chapter. Even so, I loved how you related a bit of her past to readers without it feeling like ‘telling’, and in general, I think her character will turn out to be a good one.

One thing I did not like about this chapter was how you didn’t clarify if the chapter was before or after the prologue until more than halfway through. Before the point where you mentioned Amara was a necromancer, it really could have been either-or. It would be better to establish the comparative time period later in the chapter.

The ending of this did feel a little rushed, if only because in comparison to the first few paragraphs you left out a lot of potential description. I think that if you added more depth to things, broadened Amara’s thoughts while she thinks she’s dying, fleshed out her relief when she understands that she isn’t, the end scene would be a ton more impacting.

But in general this was a awesome chapter. As I said before, this really isn’t my favourite genre, but you do it so well that I can’t help loving it.
ShatteredUniverse chapter 1 . 3/3/2011
[EASYFIX - FOR REVIEW GAME RULE10]

-Off Topic-

It's a rare thing when I review a piece by someone who's obviously more advanced than me to the point that I have any intimidation running around upstairs like a hard-headed toddler. But this time I do.

Maybe that's why my selective memory forgot to remember the Rule 10 review I owed this piece?

That being said, I'm going to give it straight just as if we were equals.

-End Off Topic-

I thought the piece was engaging, much more so than *any* piece in the High Fantasy genre has a right to be. I HATE high fantasy, loathe it, despise it's very existence... And yet this opening was much like the relative that loves hugging a little too much for too long - it just wouldn't leave me alone.

The other part that struck me was the way your prose flowed from the larger paragraph structures to the smaller ones and then back again over and over. This is something that I don't see very often in the writing on FictionPress and something that makes it *much* more enjoyable for me to read, overall.

Respectfully yours,

John M. Carr
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 2/27/2011
-[EDITS]-

"You are the one who brought me here?" the demon [crooned]

- This may be just me, but I’m not sure ‘crooned’ is really a interrogative sort of verb. I mean, it’s fine if you want to keep it.

“Amara desperately wanted to [look away] or [run] down the mountain as fast as her legs could carry her.”

- There is an increase in emotion between the first option and the second. A plain old ‘or’ doesn’t seem to cut it. Personally, I like: ‘or better yet’, but if you want to leave it, that’s fine.

“But she did not trust her legs to bear her weight [at that moment].”

- The bracketed phrase seems unnecessary.

“She knew she needed to be in control, but she knelt on the ground at its feet.”

- This sentence feels like it’s missing a lot of explanation, and because of that, it feels somewhat random. ‘Why’ does she need to be in control? ‘Why’ did she kneel before the demon? It wasn’t like she was commanded to do so.

“[I must say] I expected someone a bit…older…[with] the force you mustered to summon me”

- Depending on style, there could be a comma after ‘say’. Since I really don’t like ellipses, and you’ve already used some, I suggest getting rid of them, and instead of ‘with’, I think ‘considering’ or a synonym would work better.

“one clawed digit”

- Why not just say ‘one claw’ and get rid of the rest? It’s a bit redundant.

“it scratched a deep scar in the [trail]”

- Since you haven’t really gone into detail as to the scene’s current location, ‘trail’ sort of comes at a reader from nowhere. ‘Dirt’ or ‘ground’ works better, as those are more general terms.

“Amara turned back”

- I’d put ‘to face the demon’ at the end

“She does not just gift such powers.”

- In context, this is more of a ‘but’ statement. So I think putting ‘but’ or ‘however’ at the front would help the transition into this.

“searching all around [in vain]”

- Not the best flow here. Suggestion: ‘searching all around, but in vain’. Even better: ‘searching vainly for the demon’ It’s up to you, but I think it might be a good idea to include what it is Amara is searching for, since it isn’t exactly obvious, though any reader could obviously make a correct conclusion.

“The only thing keeping her from screaming and writhing [in place]”

- I’d remove the bracketed phrase.

“But the magic she'd bartered for gave her new awareness of the world around her”

- This feels somewhat tell-y to me. In what ways does this awareness manifest itself?

“she couldn't begin to define, as she healed the body's hurts.”

- Personally, I don’t like the comma.

Okay, so basically my thoughts on this are: ! (Still hyper, as you can see.)

But seriously, I really, really liked this. Fantasy has never been a favourite genre, but this is the type of story that I enjoy. It’s unique and different with tension from the get-go, just the right amount of supernatural/spiritual elements to make it seem fantastic, but realistic enough to make your human characters believable. I honestly have no complaints in terms of content, plot, or overall affect. This was superb. For serious, Lyra.

That being said, I do think that some areas of your writing could be bettered to make this OMG prologue even more fantastic.

Ellipses, for one. Every now and then, they’re not so bad. But in great quantities they can be annoying and distracting. Most of the time, commas would work, or a dash if you’re trying to put a lot of emphasis on something. So my suggestion would be to go back and cut down your ellipses by fifty percent.

The first paragraph in particular was a little bit rough from me. I think that’s because of the way you didn’t keep a consistent subject throughout. At some points your were describing the demon, but at others you were describing Amara. Normally, that would be fine, but in a more intense sort of scene like this, I personally think it’s a better idea to break things like that up and have only one focus per paragraph. It may make the paragraphs shorter all around, but visually and smoothness-wise, I think it makes a greater impact.

Your descriptions are really fantastic, but at times I think they got a bit wordier than the scene dictated. Like, while you were describing how Amara gained her powers, I thought you did a fantastic job, but the full meaning was buried in lengthy sentences. Tense scene shorter sentences (unless you’re name is Walter and you’re writing about a dude named Ivanhoe. Then it’s ‘let’s see how many words I can string together and still have them make sense’)

The last thing I’m going to touch on is your use of participial phrases. They were a TON of them. Grammatically speaking, there is nothing wrong with them, but after stringing so many of them together, I tend to feel like you’re writing in a strict pattern. That is not good! Variety! Try to switch up sentence structure and omit some of the complex sentences you’ve got.

But seriously, I really, really, really liked this. I am very impressed.

This early on, you’ve made Amara’s character easy to relate to, and the presence of demons and magic is really amazing. You’ve raised readers’ curiosities in regards to Amara’s mother, and then just general questions on the nature of the magic in general.

I cannot tell you how much I loved this if I tried, so we’ll just leave it at that.

(Still hyper, just in case you were wondering.)
Father Christmas chapter 1 . 12/23/2010
Wow! I'm really impressed with all the detail and description in this chapter. The scenery, the emotion, it's all very tangible and realistic. You've obviously put a lot of thought into the rules of your magic stuff too, and it pays off through the realism that's portrayed in your narrative.

I like how you keep certain details from the reader, too. Most importantly the one about her mother, it takes things into a different perspective when that's revealed. However, I also like that you kept certain details for later, like whoever "She" is. That's definitely a really good hook for the story.

Happy Holidays!

-SS
Secret Santa chapter 1 . 12/22/2010
Certainly an interesting summary you have there. Gets right to the heart of the story without bothering with the details. Always an eye-catching way to draw in readers.

Nice start. Some reviewers are saying that you jump into it too much, but I actually like how you begin with dialogue. It's a chilling way to start, and the descriptions you follow it with keep it from being too fast.

[legs could carry her. But she did not trust her legs] Sometimes breaking up a sentence like this is good for dramatic effect and whatnot, but I think in this case, it would flow better if you just used a comma.

[summoned…and what was to come…had overcome] Nice touch with the ellipses. I personally would have used an m-dash, but the hesitation and fear this implies is much more fitting.

[ Its spiked tail twitched back and forth, scoring long gashes into the gravelly mountain soil.] Interesting description. Sort of reminds me of a cat.

[That could be a deliciously costly mistake] Hm. Intersting description; I can picture the word "deliciously" being spoken with very careful malice, but I'm always hesitant with double -ly.

[the body in the dirt…her reason for all of this.] This one I think would be better as an m-dash or a colon. Don't want to overuse the device and lessen its effect elsewhere.

[Nodding its head as if this were an everyday occurrence, the demon said, "That is not a deal you make with my kind."] This confused me a bit. He seemed nonchalant in his actions, but his reply was pretty venomous.

[It seared every inch of her as it crept through her veins, etc.] love the description. Maybe it's because I don't read much fantasy, but I've never seen magic portrayed like this.

[Its eyelids drooped lazily over its shining black eyes as it relished her taste.] Chilling.

[Amara dragged herself to her mother's body] I naturally assumed that the dead person was a man that she loved. The story's really taking on a different meaning with it being her mother.

-

Wow, great start! Such a chilling storyline, and a heavy mood and tone.

I'm really interested to see where this plot goes. I have a lot of questions, like what kind of world is this? The summary mentioned a soldier, so is this going to be about some kind of massive war going on? Also, why is Amara willing to sell her eternal soul to bring her mother back to life? Dying is the natural order of things, and even with bringing her back, she's bound to die again anyway. So why such a sacrifice?

The descriptions are great. There are a few times that you lapse into cliches, such as "her eyelids grew heavy" or "a desolate tundra," but they're only small images and phrases, and as a whole, you have a lot of originality here. I particularly love the way you describe the demon. The closest thing I can equate it to is a cat, but you really gave it distinct mannerisms. I could really feel it coming alive on the page.

For a prologue, I think you covered just enough. Good length and a good amount of plot for the readers to sink their teeth into while still having a lot of questions. Very strong start to what sounds like a very interesting story.

Happy holidays!
Kikyuu chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
Not that getting into the action straight away is a bad thing, but the beginning could do with at least one sentence setting the scene since it felt pretty abrupt to me. I don't think it's necessary to have both sentences "Its clawed feet scorched the ground with each step it took." and "the vegetation caught fire beneath its toes" since they're pretty much stating the same thing.

Really like the way you portrayed the magic being bestowed upon Amara. That's something interesting that I haven't read before.

A good first chapter that sets the stage, introduces your character and leaves the reader wanting more.
improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
It's about time I got around to RRing this...

Now, I can hardly talk, because I am the queen of not bothering with a proper beginning, and just pitching people straight into the action, but I feel like there should have been at least one line of set up before the demon spoke. However, apart from that, the opening moment is lovely. Very sinister and dramatic...

There are some very strong, under-used descriptions here. I particularly like 'draconic'.

There's a really dangerous flavour I like in this. To be nit-picky, I wouldn't say that the demon need say 'deliciously costly', just 'costly' by itself gets the meaning across with a definite chill...

I'm not too sure about the sound of a hissing cat being the best way to describe the demon's laugh. It counjured the sound well enough, but it jarred...something this intimidating, this powerful, needs to be likened to something bigger than a displeased noise from a small, furry pet. Maybe something like a hissing geyser, or scalded water would be more appropriate...

Or maybe not :P

I love the bestowal of the magic. It's so dark and violent and twisted, it had me absolutely hooked. I particularly loved the imagery of Amara being crushed by the dragon/demon.

This is also an excellent example of how much can be said about a character through actions rather than descriptions. I dig Amara - she has serious balls, and her motivation is heartfelt and genuine. Instead of thinking 'stupid girl', I think that I, in her position, would have probably done the same.

And I'm definitely going to keep reading, so, purpose of prologue successful _
lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/29/2010
In the late afternoon, when the sun had started its descent toward the sea and golden light bathed the plains, a great dark blot of civilization, the walled city of Eyren, grew out of the horizon and cast its unwieldy shadow on the grasslands.

-Style Edit: would omit "had" and I'd suggest to maybe re-insert "a great dark blot of civilization" to after the clause "the walled city of Eyren" and then put it parentheses, like:

"...its descent toward the sea and gold light bathed the plains, the wall city of Eyren (a great dark blot of civilization), grew out of the horizon and cast its..." Otherwise it might be a run-on sentence. But I'm really bad at spotting them in my own writing, so I probably didn't resolve it properly anyway, XD, anyway, that first clause felt out of place to me.

...in the dozens of sieges since its birth uncounted generations before.

-Style Edit: would omit "uncounted generations before"

...Eyren had still always been an...

-Style Edit: would omit "still"

...town to whatever forces could hold it the longest.

-Style Edit: I'm confused by this clause. What are the forces? What does it mean for the port to be "held" the longest? I was going to say maybe insert "against" instead of "to", but I don't think that's what you mean either.

Such potential for power led many men to fight wars over its control...

-Edit: doesn't make sense, would make better sense as: "Such potential for power led many men to fight wars [for control over it.]

...burning and pillaging whatever got in the way.

-Style Edit: would replace "the" with "their"

-Eh, that entire sentence doesn't sound clear to me when I read it out loud, and I think it might be because there's a lot of clauses and again, it could be a run on sentence. Maybe try reading it aloud to see if you get what I mean-if not, ignore me again, haha.

Journeying south as she did on this occasion...

-Edit: "as she did on this occasion" seems unneeded, because you already stated she was "Journeying south"-so of course it would be "on this occasion" you know? I would suggest just going with "Journeying south, Amara..."

The stench of wood- and tobacco smoke...

-Style Edit: here I would omit the dash after "wood"

...available for what little she could afford to part with.

-Style Edit: "...available for what little she could afford with which to part."

-You tend to end a lot of your sentences with tricky prepositions, the most common "before" and "through", but they're difficult to find alternatives to so I've left them :) Creative writers always get to bend rules anyway, and this obviously isn't a paper -_-, but I try to style edit a few of them.

All save for one: the healer who had failed before Amara showed up.

-Style Edit: "...failed before Amara [arrived.]"

The man was a healer by profession because, like many...

-Style Edit: would omit the comma after "because"

...and threw him off of her.

-Style Edit: would omit "of"

Alright so overall, all of my edits were opinions of me, and just for style, so your grammar and your spelling was edited to perfection in this chapter. I can obviously tell that you're a mature writer and you've had much experience with it in the past, and that's quite refreshing!

Regarding your beginning, I'm not going to lie when I say that if I was in a more impatient mood, I might have felt them dragging the story down a little, but I really appreciated it tonight. I was actually very amazed by your description of the city, because I could never write something like that, haha. You had a wonderful grip of every district, it seemed, and none of it was vague. I did feel at times that you were being a little wordy, and maybe flowery with the descriptions too, but at the same time I think it worked overall for the entire chapter. Though it didn't hit the ground running like the prologue, it kept me interested.

I have to also mention though, that it did seem to slow the pace of the chapter down for me significantly. That's not necessarily a bad thing either, but I didn't feel it exactly pick up to a very fast pace or anything later either. I think you took your time with everything, which is good so far because you managed to use that pacing to characterize Amara by showing the reader that she's a calculated woman and also takes her time to think things through.

I found the dialogue you used realistic, and I thought the bit when she first comes into the inn was humorous. It was nice to see Dom's reaction, just so we get a general idea of how Necromancers are regarded in this culture and society, and that further characterized Amara.

I would have liked maybe a sentence describing what happened to the boy, because it took me a moment to re-read that and figure out that well *somehow* he had died, and it involved the guy who rode off on horseback, but maybe I missed something-why would a man kill a kid in a busy marketplace? Anyway, it was a good catalyst for the climax of the chapter, which was Amara's attacker. I thought you handled the tension well and I was really surprised at the healer's sudden eagerness to return her to hell-that even further solidifies what is thought of the Necromancer in your story.

I enjoyed the mention of the auras too, that's always fun and though it's not extremely original, I still thought it spiced up the story a little just to have the mention of them in there.

Necromancers are a fun new subject too, I think, and I'm interested to see what you'll do with them. So far, I was surprised to see your genre as being "general" because this really reminds me of more of a fantasy-type story with the detail on the city's background, and then also the use of "mage" and the whole market place scene. I think it would fit snugly in the genre, but I'm curious as to what audience you're hoping to attract with it?

Concerning the ending of this chapter, I'm a little conflicted. I guess I didn't realize that Amara was so close to death with that attack-so when you end with "She was given a second chance." it felt a little melodramatic to me. Maybe it has something to do with cliffhangers again-I dunno. I knew you weren't going to kill her, but then the fact that you almost did right when we meet her felt too soon, maybe...

At any rate, I find it really interesting and I'll continue to read as you post most definitley! I wonder what will befall our Necromancer next!
TheLadyPendragon chapter 2 . 6/20/2010
I really love your characterization. The thing I like most, probably, in fiction are characters I can relate to, even in a totally fantastical setting, and I think you have that here, with Amara. Her interaction with her setting and other characters went smoothly. I also love how you're building your world, with street names and monuments. You're doing really great with that. As for grammar, this is incredibly well written.

I can see nothing to critique, really. Great job!
iamsupercerial chapter 2 . 6/20/2010
I'm really enjoying this story so far:)

You have the perfect amount of description, it gives a wonderful sense of place while still being vague enough to be interesting. I can't really think of anything to criticize...
artofjula chapter 2 . 6/17/2010
Wow. Okay, wow. Hi. YouSuckEggs from RG. Anyway, this was one of the few fics I actually enjoying reading/reviewing. I honestly could not see any grammatical mistakes and everything was on-point. My eyes were literally glued to the screen. You also developed Amara's character at a good pace.

"No one on the street even glanced their way."

I liked this because it kind of shows how society is in this setting/time.

The only thing was the beginning. For me it kind of seemed to go on and on, and I kinda just wanted to skip that entire blurb of description. Maybe adding some sort of dialogue or action instead of full-out description would have been better.

Anyway, keep writing more and I'll be checking for updates! Btw, thanks for the reviews on my story! I definitely changed the wording. :)
JaffaFoose chapter 1 . 6/15/2010
Here from the RG. :)

“Had it all been a trick?”

I just thought that phrase was kind of weak here. Had it ALL been a trick? To me, ‘all’ implies that a lot had happened between them, when in actuality the demon had only been there for a minute or two and only spoke a few sentences. Besides that, it never promised to do anything, so if it didn’t do anything, that’d hardly be trickery. Call this massive nit-picking on my part (because it is), but that phrase bugged me.

“Above, the night sky looked on with icy disinterest”

No complaint; just a gorgeous phrase.

"Farewell, young necromancer,"

I got chills. :P Well done.

I need to comment on the characterization of Amara. Specifically, I don’t think you let yourself dwell quite long enough on her fear. You talked about how she was terrified of the entity she had summoned, but other than when you’re specifically mentioning that fear, I don’t feel it. Like, her actions seem quite confident and assured, except where the narration tells us she’s afraid. I think I might have had a greater sense of the evil of the demon if her actions more frequently reflected her fear. On the other hand, you emphasized her love for her mother perfectly, just by her accepting death as soon as her mother was alive again. So, maybe you were just focusing on what she was focusing on: her love instead of her fear. Which I suppose makes sense, but I still felt that she acted too confident to be terribly frightened.

I thought the opening was a little bit lacking. Starting with the Bartimaeus trilogy, I’ve read quite a few stories which open with the summoner being afraid of what they’ve summoned but working through it. It’s gotten to be a little bit cliché to me, to be honest. I understand why you did it that way, I just think it could have been done better. Not quite unique or intense enough to totally grab my attention.

The ending, on the other hand, was definitely intense. I’m torn between the desire to get off the computer and do something other than this, and the desire to read on and find out what becomes of this situation. It certainly seems unfair that Maya finally resurrects her mother but will never get a chance to share a moment with her. It also seems unfair that the mother will wake up and, without explanation, find her daughter dead. I’m thinking the rest of the story is maybe the Mother’s quest for vengeance and to try and reclaim her daughter? Dunno, but it’s intriguing all the same. At any rate, the ending made me curious.

I really, REALLY enjoyed the parts where you described her magical pain. Excellent job there. “It seared every inch of her as it crept through her veins with agonizing slowness.” Just wonderful. I really felt like, on the edge of my consciousness, I could feel the kind of pain you were talking about, even if only in my imagination. Very well done segment.

I guess I felt like the story was a little bit rushed, but I can’t exactly explain why. Something about it just felt like it was trying too quickly to move forward. I won’t dwell on this, though, because I don’t know how to explain it any better.

Spelling and grammar were flawless. I didn’t notice any mistakes.

All in all, a very enjoyable prologue. Just a few complaints that could really be chalked up to personal preference. You’re a very good writer.
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