Reviews for After the Apocalypse
Winterhalt chapter 1 . 9/19/2013
This Is really Good. Enjoying this very much, great story!
chibilover28 chapter 14 . 7/19/2013
This is so far, the most wonderfully written Action-categorized story I have ever read in my entire life. I like how the elements fit each other and are starting to come together to form one big picture. Good job! Oh yeah. And James Westerfield is my favorite! Hoping for my thrilling chapters. :'D
Unxious Custard chapter 2 . 7/17/2013
It is not clear that there has been a time shift between your first and second paragraph. Try leaving a double double space which signals either a time shift or a change in point of view. I gave him a look of shock. Gave is a weak verb and could be replaced with something much stronger. But that said, how do you actually know you gave him a look of shock. You can't see yourself through his eyes. It would be better to describe what the shock is doing to you - breath caught in your throat, feel your eyes widening, pressure on your heart, etc. I enjoyed your theme. It's very interesting to read about war in this way. I also particularly enjoyed this statement: "Yes. Too bad it's a load of crap." This really helps the reader to a deeper understanding of your world. I do hope you will review my story Psychics v Terrorists. It may give you some understanding of how to get inside a character's head when you are writing. A good job on this story of yours. The impending battle is drumming up tension very well.
Unxious Custard chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
Hi, a few comments on your writing. I like your character, and his level of sarcasm. That's always a winner for me. That said, you don't have to put in the word sarcastically, explaining your character's thoughts or statements. It's fairly obvious when he is being sarcastic. There is something of a list of activities in the first paragraph rather than a writer's introduction to a character. So he lives in a poor area - why? How does he feel about it? Did he move recently? Has he always been poor? The answers to some of these questions will help us understand your character much better. Something was burning, a common occurrence. I liked this sentence. In a short, unpretentious way it tells us a whole lot about this world. I like the action section. This is well written, and feels authentic.
Tobi-sama chapter 16 . 7/12/2013
It's fantastic. I like your writing-style. Keep it up.
But I would like to know where you are going with this.
Murphy Chapelwood chapter 1 . 7/12/2013
This is just for chapter one. I grab specific examples, but not all examples of the things I like to point out in reviews.

First, let me just thank you for the length of this chapter. This is a perfect, brief display of your work and tone, and makes it far more likely for me to read more.

"The ground was its usual shades of brown and the trees that were long dead; now nothing more than black logs lying on the ground."

This is just some grammar advice. Comma after "brown," and remove the semicolon. Semicolon's are tricky, and I'd advise everyone to look at any of the thousands of example sentences to be found online to compare with any they want to put into their own work.

"I lived in a relatively poor area, being in an unpatrolled neighbourhood that was close to gang territory. I had bought this building as it was cheap and I didn't have much money when I moved to this city."

Here is a good example of being able to really streamline some sentences. Everything doesn't need to be spelled out completely. You don't really need to say he lived in a "relatively poor area" when you could just say "I lived in an unpatrolled..." which would convey the same meaning all on its own. Especially with the next sentence mentioning the cheap building. Also, after reading the rest of the piece, I think you should just cut that second sentence at he the word "cheap" and leave it in the air why he did so. I'll explain later at the bottom.

"...to see what food was available..."

This is really stating the obvious, again especially with the vary next clause in the sentence of him getting food from it. You would needed a reason for him opening the refrigerator if it was out of the norm, like if he just wanted to feel the cool air on his face or something.

"Now, I was ready."

"...packing a lot of heat."

"It's a good thing that they can't aim to save their lives. "

This is something I really harp on in all my reviews. The use of stock phrases. So here is a direct quote from the first source I read this in, Writing Tools by Roy Peter Clark, ""Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech you are used to seeing in print," writes George Orwell in "Politics and the English Language." Using cliches, he argues, is a substitute for thinking, a form of automatic writing: "Prose consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning, and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated hen-house." That last phrase is a fresh image, a model of originality."

"Drop the axes" I ordered, glancing at the dead women's body.

This is another thing I talk about a lot: Separate Action from Dialogue. It would be better as the dialogue and then "I glanced at the dead woman's body." You really don't need "I ordered" because the dialogue itself delivers that message. Be sparing with your use of variations on "I said," and really only when the dialogue has the potential to be ambiguous, or when you want the dialogue to come across one way and then turn it on its head (generally for comedic effect).

"...dead woman's body..."

This strikes me as repetitive. I think dead woman/woman's body would be all that's necessary. In fact, better because it gives the reader insight into how James feels about the dead. Is it a dead "woman" or is it just a woman's "body." It could subtly SHOW (very important, that showing bit) just how jaded he has become.

"Walking a few feet, I then looked back at the building which had now become a mausoleum."

This is just one more example of streamlining. The easiest way to explain this stuff is with an example: "Walking away, I looked back at the building, another mausoleum." That's a seven word chop, and convey's the same thing. A great exercise would be to go back through some of your work, copy and paste it into a fresh document, and try applying this treatment as much as possible. I think you'll find something out about your narrative voice if you do.

The final point: James strikes me as deranged. Just kind of mentally broken, and aggressive. Like he's asking for trouble. He even mentions "Why does he still keeping looking?" when he knows what going to happen. Almost, like he's psyching himself out for what he really wants to do next, which is kill the Crawlers. I think that's pretty cool. Also, it ties in with what I said above about being unspecific on why he's living in a cheap building in a bad neighborhood. Maybe, the reader should ask himself, if its not because he wants to be there and be put into those situations?
Highway Unicorn chapter 9 . 7/11/2013
Hey there! :D

There was a good amount of suspense and tension in this chapter. And the action is good, like always. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I like that you have these events scattered all throughout the world, and it isn't in just one place. That really adds to the whole "the entire world is screwed right now" vibe.

Kristoff had some unique characteristics in this chapter, seperating him from the other POVs. And I think you're really improving as the chapters go on. :D

"Survive, if just for one more day." A very errie/good sentence. :D
Highway Unicorn chapter 8 . 7/9/2013
[since it 3:00 in the morning.] *since it was three o'clock in the morning.

["Paul, its Paul Davies," my long time friend nervously whispered. Paul had been a long time customer and sometimes helped out around the aid center.] *you use "long time" twice to closely together, and it becomes repetitive. I suggest changing one of them.

["Really? We get five hours in my neighbourhood"] *. {Period at end of sentence}

[I regretted] Again, you used this phrase twice too closely together. I suggest switiching it up.

There seems to be more character development in this chapter. :D I'm stating to see a more unique side of Mr. Westerfield, and I'm pleased. :P

Again, I love the plot and the action. I just need some more padding to it. :P
Highway Unicorn chapter 7 . 7/9/2013
Except the last chapter, there seems to be a lot of fighting going on. I'm a gal who likes her good old fighting scenes, I think when it happens over and over and over again, it becomes rather too much and I start to grow bored with all the fighting. I'd suggest maybe adding in extra scenes in previous chapters/narrations and just adding in parts that don't deal with fighting. Maybe just them talking about important things, or maybe have them discuss feelings/emotions about living in a harsh world?

And then bring back the fighting }:D

*Spell out all numbers under 101. I saw you had "12" and "20" in here; spell 'em out.

I think giving this character an accent (even if it's a little one) would help with defining his own voice. :3
Highway Unicorn chapter 6 . 7/9/2013
["Just because I am Asian, doesn't mean I am North Korean!" I saw that a one of the crew men was harassing the other because he was Asian] *"Just because I'm Asian doesn't mean I'm North Korean!" I watched as the two screetched at each other.

Or something like that. You don't need to have the narrator state that the one man was harassing the other because of his race since it is already implied in the speech.

["Both of you get back to your quarters now!" I yelled at them, they turned promptly not aware of my presence.] Break away into a new paragraph, since this is a new speaker in a paragraph that already had a speaker, and that being the Asian fellow.

You introduce a lot of characters in this chapter, and it gets a tad bit confusing on who's who.

Shanna seems like a good character, with a strong personality. :)
Highway Unicorn chapter 5 . 7/9/2013
In the opening paragraph, you used "building" three times within two sentences. I would suggest switching up to another word for one or two of the buildings, so that it doesn't come off as repetitive.

Your characters all have the same voice, and that gets a little bit offputting when they're suppose to be unique from each other. Try spicing up each of their own speach/narration patterns; maybe give one a accent or have one cruse like a sailor and the other whisper like a nun. I dunno. Just give them each their own voice.

I think this story has wonderful promise. Just add a bit more character development to it. :)
Highway Unicorn chapter 4 . 7/9/2013
Hey there from Roadhouse!

Wow, I haven't read this story in a long time x.x But here I am now. And I'm going to try and review five chapters tonight/tomorrow. :D

[one of the men in the street below scream] *screamed [Pavel Ivanioch the leader of the raid team shouts,] *shouted

The tense in this narration seems to be past tense, but you have a few present tense words scattered througout.

[Our soldiers kept firing mowing down] *firing, mowing {comma}

[I ran over too the garage] *to

[The taste was undesirable, but it warmed you up and simulated your senses.] 4th wall breakage x.x

There are quite a few grammar errors and typos throughout this chapter. I think I found most of them, but there might be some others.

Plot development: The action and plot seems to go by fast in this chapter. Everything happened in one big blur, and I felt that the events in this chapter could've been spaced out more, you know? Unless you want the events to come at the reader quickly, I would suggest maybe padding it a wee bit.
riverstardust chapter 8 . 6/29/2013
I think James is my favourite of the characters at the moment, his story intrigues me! Pauls such a weakling...
riverstardust chapter 7 . 6/29/2013
Lots of action here, sad that the General had go but im excited to know who the mysterious figure is!
chibilover28 chapter 3 . 6/25/2013
I really love the story. I also like how well you have written this story on the different POV's. I know for sure that the story elements will all come beautifully together. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more good stories from you. :D
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