Reviews for Falling in Love Is Hard on the Knees
thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 3/8/2011
I like the title :)

Nice dig about Justin Beiber XD Overall I think you have a pretty cool idea on your hands! I'd like to see where you take this. Very modern cupids, definitely. No doubt hilarious! I thought the usage of 'phark' was pretty strange though - guess that's just me! You've broken away from the stereotypical innocent angels, so good job with that.

x mandy

~The Roadhouse
WutNow chapter 2 . 8/22/2010
Here from the Roadhouse

Wow, for an Angel, Ashwyn sure does curse a lot haha. Noo... why is Shia cutting herself. Is it because cutting yourself releases endorphins and lessens the pain- but she seems pretty happy with no indication that she was miserable prior to the cutting. Then again, you might reveal it later. And yeah, it was pretty emo. I feel extremely sympathetic for Shia :(... and I don't like Bianca... she's on my hate list haha. Overall, nice chapter.

Dexterity too lazy to sign in chapter 4 . 7/27/2010
Late review return again. Sorry.

" I'm not omnipresent, though sometimes I wish I was" should be "I wish I were". When there is an uncertainty, then the "to be" verb becomes "were". Another example would be "If I were" instead of "If I was"

I think the changes you made to chapter 1 helped make things clearer. I no longer have problems understanding this, but I can't get into the mood for some reason. Maybe try more description? Maybe try to flesh out your characters more by talking about the people they are when they're not dealing with this relationship?

WutNow chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
Here from the Roadhouse!

I enjoyed the chapter, even though it was a little short. The most difficult for me in the chapter is trying to remember their names (since they are so unique and spelled in an interesting way), so I apologize if I get them mixed up so much haha. I liked the part where he went on the Elevator towards Earth- I thought that scene played nicely in my head. Wow.. and for people in Heaven, they sure curse a lot XD. Overall, nice start to a story!

ranDUMM chapter 1 . 7/24/2010

Oh my goodness, this review return is so incredibly late. My sincere apologies, and I look forward to reading this story!

This was a really good chapter! A little confusing in some parts, but still good. A funny bit about Justin Bieber. I literally laughed out loud at that, so great work :) A fine starting to the chapter, so well done! :D

lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
Clever title, haha.

"Oh look, it's him," sneered a petite female Cupid as she brushed past Ashwyn, nudging her companion in his ribs to get his attention.

-Style Edit: the speaker tag here is a little too long for my tastes, just as being the very first technical line. Would suggest editing as: "Oh look, it's him," sneered a petite female Cupid. She brushed past Ashwyun, nudging her companion in the ribs to get his attention.

"Now now baby, its not good to laugh at people," her companion smirked, running his right hand through his jet black hair as his left reached down to squeeze her ass.

-Edit: "its" should be "it's"

-Style Edit: also distractingly long for a speaker tag. Would suggest: "Now, now, baby, [it's] not good to laugh at people," smirked her companion. He ran his hand through his jet back hair as his other reached to squeeze her ass.

"Ooh baby," she squealed and the pair walked off, leaving Ashwyn to puke his guts out at the nauseating public display of affection and disgust for him.

-Style Edit: another long speaker tag for me-and this combines two separate groups of people and their actions, so I think it should definitley be edited. Also, that reaction for Ashwyn, though sarcastic perhaps, seems overly drastic. Perhaps to keep the sarcasm, I can suggest: "Ooh, baby," she squealed as the pair walked away. Ashwyn rolled his eyes in disgust at the Cupids nauseating public display of affection.

"Holy phark," he swore as he started to rip the papers he held in his hands into billions of tiny pieces...

-Style Edit: "in his hands" is implied if the papers are being "held"-what else would hold them? So I'd suggest: "Holy phark," he swore. He started to rip the papers he was holding into tiny pieces.

"Phark you, you pharking jerk up there, dammit!" he screamed and there was a loud crack as...

-Style Edit: "Phark you, you pharking jerk up there, dammit!" he screamed. There was a loud crack as...

Honestly, the "phark" thing isn't working for me-I'm just finding it hilarious instead of taking it seriously. I can take the "fuck" word just fine, but then again, I know many readers can't, and if you're going to swear that much it should probably be bumped up to M, so I can see your reasons for slanting the swear, so to speak.

"...girl's ass down in good ol' Earth!" Ashwyn called out, chuckling, leaving Eurydice with a look of horror on her face.

-Style Edit Suggestion: "...girl's ass down in good ol' Earth!" Ashwyn chuckled. He left Eurydice with a look of horror on her face.

Ashwyn seems to act much different than how you first characterize him in the first few paragraphs. One moment you have him throwing up at weird public displays of affection, and then you have him kissing Eu in public and talking about looking at another's woman's ass crack. Merely an interesting observation.

"Its pharking impossible,"...

-Edit: "Its" should be "it's"

...when it comes to us cupids.

-Edit: you've been capitalizing "Cupid" up until this sentence-definitley make a decision about whether or not you capitalize it or not-I think it should be here.

"...done was to tell me what was her type."

-Style Edit: "...done was to tell me her type"

Overall you have a really cool idea, I think, I see where you're going with it and it's good that we get a feel for Ashwyn's personality-though I feel it was a little mixed and perhaps inconsistent given his intense reaction at the beginning to the change of heart when he's around Eu. But besides that, this whole idea of a modern day Olympus is cool-I'm wondering if you will include more deities or not. Adding the modern spin on it makes it memorable.
anti-climax chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
Thanks for the review on Flameheart! Sorry it took so long, I really rarely come on FP these days.

My first thought when reading through this chapter: Ashwyn curses a lot. My second thought: these are very modern Cupids.

The PDA scenes and street talking Cupids were highly amusing. And the 'Ten Cupid Commandments' as well.

And the challenge sounds very, very promising. To find a girl with emotional baggage her one true love? That sounds like a possibility for many types of scenarios.

Will be interesting to see where you take this.
lianoid chapter 2 . 7/23/2010
In your first paragraph, I think the dialogue should go on its own line. I think visually it might be better, although I’m not sure if in this case it’s a strict grammatical rule to separate it from most of the rest of the description. You also need to check your comma placement. There are several lines that could use them. :)

I found Ashwyn’s reaction rather strong. I know that what happened can be rather disturbing, but from your description it didn’t sound like there was a gaping wound or anything. I imagined it more like a small line across her wrist. If it is more serious, might I suggest throwing in more detail to make it known?

Okay, it doesn’t seem that serious. Well, then. Why did he throw up? What specifically about it disturbed him so much? I didn’t feel his repulsion, and I think you need to make me feel that if I’m expected to take his reaction seriously.

Wyatt was her friend but hearing someone heap praise after praise upon him was awkward and uncomfortable for her, given how she was not close to him.

-I don’t understand this. Personally, if someone praises someone else excessively, I get a little annoyed maybe. But I don’t understand why it’s so uncomfortable and why she’s so frustrated about it.

Why is Shia friends with Bianca if she finds her so frustrating? Also, I found it incredibly difficult to sympathize with her. I just felt like you didn’t convey her emotions deeply enough, and I found them somewhat alien, actually. It just didn’t feel real.

"What the fuck is wrong with her,"

-Edit: Change the comma to a question mark. (Leave “her fingernails” lowercased, though).

Now he was going out with Bianca and Wyatt and Shia bit her lower lip hard as she thought of how he finally asked her to be his girlfriend after more than half a year of playing a 'waiting game' and how she turned him down bitterly a few days ago.

-Edit/Personal: I would suggest beginning a new sentence at “Shia bit her lower lip” so that it reads smoother.

The third-last paragraph is epic. I suggest trying to break it up so it can be digested a little easier. Okay, this paragraph explains why she hates her so much. I think it might be better if you let the readers know this stuff beforehand; that way we can sympathize with her and understand her anger.

Overall, I think this chapter needs some revision, but it seems like you have quite the interesting piece here. Seems like a lot of drama for one chick to handle, and I wonder what role Ashwyn’s going to play in making it better – or worse! You really need to check your comma placement throughout this chapter because there were a lot of sentences that warranted them.
Dexterity too lazy to sign in chapter 3 . 7/15/2010
Sorry for the late review return. I'll be writing this as I go along.

I didn't find anything relating to spelling and grammar, but the story plotline left me rather confused. In the last chapter, it was revealed that Shia liked Lyon but Lyon ignored her, then later Lyon asked her out and she rejected him? Now Lyon is going our with Bianca and Wyatt...wait, who is Wyatt? If Lyon is going out with Bianca, why does he approach Shia again? And Caleb says that Shia is the girl Lyon likes, but why does Lyon have to go out with Bianca then? Why didn't Lyon accept Shia when Shia confessed to him earlier? And Shia says that Lyon is gay? Huh? I have no idea what is going on.

I found the scene changes to be a little abrupt. I'd suggest putting a little more focus on the surroundings; it makes the main characters' interaction to seem more natural and believeable.
Awkward Situation chapter 1 . 7/15/2010
Interesting prologue - it definitely breaks the stereotype of the all-innocent angels from heaven. And 'love juice' reminds me of a song haha

Thanks for the review!
lianoid chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
"Oh look, its him," sneered a petite female Cupid as she brushed past Ashwyn, nudging her companion in his ribs to get his attention.

-Personal: This dialogue tag is far too long for the beginning of a story, in my opinion. /

"Now now baby, its not good to laugh at people," her companion smirked, running his right hand through his jet black hair as his left reached down to squeeze her ass.

-Personal/Edit: Throw a comma after both “Now”s, change “its” to “it’s” and I feel that this dialogue tag is also too lengthy for my taste.

"Phark you, phark every single one of you, may you burn, rot and pharking die in Hades," he gritted his teeth as he walked past numerous other Cupids, who were all laughing at him. "I don't pharking deserve this shit," he looked at the mist covering his feet from the clouds and walked head first into a fellow Cupid, Eurydice.

-Edit: Alright, let’s talk dialogue tag and dialogue tag punctuation. When dialogue is followed up by something like “s/he said, s/he whispered, s/he answered,” the ending punctuation inside of the dialogue is always a comma – unless an exclamation mark, question mark or ellipses are warranted. The first letter of the first word after the dialogue, is always lowercased, unless a proper noun. This rule is applied even when the dialogue ends with an exclamation mark, question mark or ellipses. When dialogue is followed up by an action (i.e. “I can’t believe this!” She threw her hands up and stormed away) the first letter of the first word outside of the dialogue is always capitalized. In this situation, the ending punctuation within the dialogue is always a period – unless, of course, an exclamation mark, question mark or ellipses are warranted. Make sense?

"Ashwyn!" she exclaimed, clear blue eyes clouded with worry. "I was so worried, I though you were going to lose your wings!"

-Repetition: See if you can remove the repetition of “worry” since it sticks out quite a bit. Also, change “though” to “thought”.

"Nice one, Eu, not going to die so soon," he rolled his hazel eyes. "I'm heading out," he said simply and gave her a cheeky grin, causing her to blush deeply.

-Edit: Change the comma after “soon” to a period and change the first “he” to “He”. Also, the second dialogue tag has far too many descriptive words for my taste: simply, cheeky, deeply. /

Her eyes widened in shock as he ran his hands through her long blonde hair while the other found it's way around her waist.

-Edit: Change “it’s” to “its”. ‘Its’ is the possessive form of ‘it’ (The tree is losing its leaves). ‘It’s’ is the contraction of ‘it is’ (It’s a beautiful day outside).

"Be careful," she kissed his cheek and he turned around so she would kiss his lips instead.

-Personal: The action here isn’t clear. Is she leaning in to kiss his cheek and while she is, he’s turning? Or do they do the double or triple cheek kiss and she’s already kissed his one cheek and is going for the next? Right now, it just feels like she’s already kissed him.

...disobeying the ten Cupid commandments...

-Edit? The regular Ten Commandments should be capitalized; although it’s up to you whether or not you want to capitalize your own. In my opinion, I think it would look better if you did.

I think this is a really interesting beginning you have here. I like the setting and characters you’ve developed because they seem so foreign and unique. I like how you’ve balanced description and dialogue, however I think you could mention and clarify the conflict a little earlier. I like how we didn’t know his “punishment” until the end, but I think you could have made it a little clearer earlier on. Not to say you should add an epic passage about it or anything; I just think a few lines about the council and the trouble he got in might be nice. Of course, I trust you’ll touch on that later on, so this is merely personal preference. Excellent job with this. Keep it up.
Dexterity too lazy to sign in chapter 2 . 7/11/2010
Hey again,

I'll be writing the review as I read, so forgive how fragmented it may seem.

I think the line "he groaned as he collapsed forward on to the grass by the stone pavement, feeling dizzy." should be "onto" and not "on to"

"She close her eyes, took a deep breath..." should probably be "She closed her eyes..." since you are writing in past tense.

"...which cushioned it's fall" should be "its" and not "it's".

Overall, it was not a bad chapter, although I did prefer the first. Shia seems a little emo and I really don't get why Bianca is such a bitch. Hopefully later chapters would answer my questions. So far, Ashwyn is my favorite in the story. He's very entertaining. Hope that there would be more focus on him later.
Victoria Stokes chapter 4 . 7/10/2010
hahaha i loved the ending, go Shia! Kaine is really cool :) i like him. nice work!
Typing Typhoon chapter 1 . 7/10/2010
BEHOLD! The superbly late return review of Karma and procrastination. Apologies. That set aside, the title of the fic is epic enough to make the fic stand apart on its own.

Reading through, I think it's an excellent idea to blend the story with small hints of Greek mythology. Pushing that idea a little farther you could rake in comedy gold with an Aphrodite/Eros character. Epic stuff here.
TK Anez chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
I like this so far and can't wait to read more :) Maybe you could take a look at my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)
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