|Reviews for Fatal Passion|
| kittykatpeterson Fanfiction chapter 4 . 6/7/2011
uh oh drylon/human babies on the way! I can't wait for the next chapter :)
| pille-ip chapter 4 . 8/9/2010
You meanie, not putting up more of this wonderful piece of writing... Okay, I won't whine anymore, this is really unique and interesting, so I wish you luck for getting it published :)
| mousegirl05 chapter 4 . 7/27/2010
Hi, hi! An interesting addition. The bit about the sworn oath and the crescent-moon-shaped mark is very interesting. It's nice to see some of Elizabeth's motivations becoming clear as well as her growth as far as recognizing more than the animal-nature of Caindero.
I find it very interesting that he requested that she kept 'them' from killing him, especially since he was listening all day to Elizabeth and oh-whats-her-name talk. This suggests that (A) he knows that sex isn't enough to get a Drylon killed-or at least he should- and (B) especially given his rather sweet wing-stretch and staring post-action, that Elizabeth has just gotten herself into far more than she relizes.
It is sad that more won't be gracing our dear FP, but this seems an okay place to stop. One knows that there is more to come, but it's not painful now. *laughs* Good luck with the publishing thing. Cheers!
| toryaborya chapter 3 . 7/20/2010
I am glad you got over your writers block, because I am really excited to see what comes next! So far your story is really entertaining! :)
| Arabea chapter 3 . 7/19/2010
The concept of this story is quite intriguing. I'm very interested in seeing what you do with it. )
| mousegirl05 chapter 2 . 6/24/2010
Interesting progression. You really had me thinking that I was going to need to hate this Elizabeth character. Now, I wonder what she would have done if he HAD killed the black? I like the intrigue and the potentially explosive world and conflict you're setting up right away. So many possibilities at this point. _ I'm excited to see where things will go from here.
I LOVED the bathing part. It was amazing! I really liked the 'painful rain' descriptor. It was great way to show/suggest his past both with his previous master and with his forest life. Nice. I also chuckled at idea of him playing with/in the water. I would have liked to see how exactly-you know splashing? trying to catch the streams (like cats do)? Flicking his tail around? Flitting wings? Holding them like umbrellas? The tension build-up at the party was good—as was his dislike for them and his position.
Keep in mind that I am a detail/setting/atmosphere fiend when you read my next sentence: I thought it the chapter was just a little rushed. I mean you got across everything I think you wanted... but this EASILY could have been two chapters-with the break coming right after the "Fight!" directive. (Speaking of multiple chapters, little symbols to indicate scene shifts don't seem really important and are often ignored by the reader but work wonders for flow and alleviating reader confusion).
By the way, how did he know where his room was? Did she tell him? Did she point at it? Where they already there?
Anyway, nice. _ Cheers!
| mousegirl05 chapter 1 . 6/24/2010
Whee! Now THAT was a great start! It's awesome to set up questions that will hopefully get answered (of course some are bound to fall away as important, but it's nice to know what your readers may be finding). For example: Why are the Drylon's slaves? Who is this woman (master)? WHY did James/Caindero respond to her? (usually frightened creatures/people would NOT come to a stranger that way-especially when they've been abused. That is not to say I didn’t like it. It was insta-endearing and established both characters as rather unique. Furthermore, it sets up a pretty strong trust that can work wonders for your story—either because it will NOT break or because it DOES.) What's this about a given name versus a born name? Did he have a family at one point? What was that like? Are they expensive? Why beat and expensive/rare item? What does she need him for? Is she going to be a 'good' master or a bad one? Are the colors important? Will they show up again?
The more I read the more exciting it became! First, I was a leery-I'm not much for master/servant relationships. But then you started describing him... he looked like a reptile? Cool. No way... he has a tail! Awesome. WINGS? I'm going to HAVE to read more now! Little things like that. Nice. Of course the description of the 'pet store' was good too. Dismal. Important. The bit about the candles was good. I am a little curious why the seller would beat merchandise if she wants to sell it. You don't necessarily need to make it clear, but it's a good thing to answer for yourself at least. Drylons are rare, but is she the only seller for miles, so it doesn't matter? Stuff like that. _ The bit about the collars and the leash was good. One of those little trivial details that develop a world nicely.
Now comes the part that gets me ‘boos’ and loses me friends sometimes. The crits! Nothing too painful, I hope. _ In the first paragraph you state that he is too human, then you go on to describe him as rather un-human-like and then eventually compare humans and Drylons like they are different. It’s dangerous to send conflicting images that way. I would suggest in the beginning to say something ‘he was human—sort of’, or that ‘he was human-enough’, or that ‘he had some human-ancestors, too’. That kind of thing. That lets the reader know right away that this is not your typical captive and they NEED to keep reading (to of course find out what makes him unlike a human). Also, unless you actually have elves in your story or have a character (or narrator) who is obsessed with all things elfin, I would suggested keeping away from using ‘elf’ to describe anything—whether it be someone’s physique or his/her ears. This is just opinion, but it kinda ranks up there with something like describing a character’s skin as “the pallor a Valdemar Herald’s whites.” Anyone who had read even one book from Mercedes Lackey’s Heralds of Valdemar series would know EXACTLY what you’re talking about, and it IS a super-clear image; however, it’s not YOUR words, your world. (Of course that is a way-extreme example, but you get what I’m saying?) It’s the difference between ‘good-enough’ and ‘excellent’. Now, if there ARE elves in this world, ignore everything I’ve said, and consider mentioning it earlier so you don’t get prudes like me getting all twisted-faced. _ One more style thing and then I’m done picking at yours, promise. Accents are great. Spelling things out phonetically can be an excellent touch of realism and ‘3D’ for a work. Just keep in mind that sometimes it can run away and lose the ‘edge’ to just become irritating. I’m not seeing that so far, just something to remember. _
Of course, I hope you’ll take everything critical I’ve said with a grain of salt. For the most part it’s opinion and style. You have to find what works for you. That’s what’s important. _ Like I said above, I’m already really liking the story! Cheers!
| toryaborya chapter 2 . 6/22/2010
Wow! This is a very interesting story! It is very original and it caught my attention right away. I can't wait to see what happens next! Keep up the good work! :)
| TheMightyFork chapter 1 . 6/22/2010
well i liked it... don't worry few ppl review mine, but i still update, not just for me, but because even if one person liked it, i'll do it for them... :)
| MasterCherry chapter 2 . 6/22/2010
I know how you could make it better! Update! That always works! Lol XD WooHoo!