|Reviews for Lungs on your sleeve|
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
I can't decide if I actually like this poem or not.
The title is fantastic and such a striking visual, but it also seems to serve as the opening line of the poem, in which case it doesn't work as well. I don't know. Maybe the opening line is just "or else she might seem lively," but it's unclear.
I absolutely hate the alliteration with "accessorizing appendage apoplectic." It's too glaring and distracting, standing out for all the wrong reasons.
[she'll give not / kisses, but accepts puffs and / spurts of your wasted breath] I find the phrasing here very awkward.
I love last two lines, with the image of her swelling slowly in the night, to then release herself as easily as possible.
As always, the imagery is fantastic; incredibly vivid, and very original. However, the rhythm seems off, which kind of muddles the mood of the poem. Considering how short the poem is, word choice is even more important than usual, and I don't think you did as good a job with that aspect as usual.
| greenforests chapter 1 . 6/22/2010
This reminded me of a one night stand long ago, it's very alluring. It's amazing :D
| themanicurist chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
reaching is pointless when it comes to your writing. i have to feel it. i'm getting better.
| Isca chapter 1 . 6/18/2010
The title is fantastic, for the record.
"Or else she might seem lively." Hah. We wouldn't want that, now would we. I like the sarcasm here.
"And in the night, she'll swell up slowly." This is my favourite line; it's gentle, yet quite chilling.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 6/18/2010
From the Review Game's Review Marathon (links in my profile)
"but excepts puffs and".. Did you mean accepts? Except is like an exception and accept is to accept something from someone... unless it was a play on words that I missed?
The phrasing with the last sentence seemed odd too. I feel like the way it's phrased now it's kind of a separate sentence so I would use a semi-colon instead of a comma, but if you want it all as once sentence I would probably change it to releasing.
The only other thing is I was confused about if the title was supposed to be the first line or if you just started in the middle of a sentence 'cause the title didn't seem like it fit as the beginning, but you did start with an or.
Anyway, other than those two nitpicks. I liked the piece. The beginning was a bit too abstract for me personally and I had to read it a few times, but I liked the alliteration. I also really liked the second half. I thought the images were really powerful.
| in theory chapter 1 . 6/18/2010
I am so completely jealous of this title, I feel disappointed in myself that I didn't think of it first..!
I have recently submitted to nicotine (again), so it kinda stuck out at me hehe. That last line is the absolute soul of this, in my opinion; exhalation and by blowing out smoke, she blows out much more. How she bares lungs for her love of smoking, and will not inhale anything healthier (as if love is healthy, ha!)
I may be misinterpreting, but in line 4 did you mean "accepts"? As it is, it's a little confusing/changes the meaning.
Thanks for your reviews, I am steadily working my way through the list of people to return them to, and you have priority :)
| ferret assassin nin chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
i really like this poem and i think i see a very, very slight undertone of...tension and suspense. i'm a little confused with "she'll give not kisses, but excepts puffs and spurts of your wasted breath". i don't see that litterally. a little explaination, please?
| Black Sparrow chapter 1 . 6/17/2010
Beautifully written, I love it
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
'accessorizing apendage apoplectic' - Nice alliteration.
Swell job as always. Not many friendship-centric poems about here, especially ones that don't stink of cheese.
Ah, sorry 'bout the crude reference. I loved this, really!
| The Immoralist chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
i could just picture this so vividly. truly a wonderful piece by you, but have you ever not amazed me?
| DiaRose chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
I love this imagery. It feels colorful and brightly illustrated in my mind, but it makes me sad anyway.
| Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 6/16/2010
You're poems never dissapoint! There's not much to say other then this is beautiful. I love the alliteration and how it flowed.
You have an amzing talen and I'm jealous!