|Reviews for Empty Words|
| I Am The Masquerade chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Very nice. It had the effect that I was trying for when I wrote Echo, echo, but I feel that you actually achieved it. Good job.
PS: Did you make another account by some chance? Whatever answer that is, make contact sometime in the near future. Summer is dull when you have nothing to do.
| Lili Grey chapter 1 . 6/20/2010
Be prepared for a very long review. Hopefully it will be very helpful. I apologize if it's not.
First off, I like the poem. It has rhythm and flow as the reader goes from line to line, and as a whole. The way you repeat certain ideas and phrases like "acid rain" etc. brings a sense of unity to the peace. Although it's very sad it's still very calming the way the rhythm is set up. I applaud you for your beautiful use of this.
There are just some things (and by some I mean, well, more than some) that I think could make this poem even better. I don't know if this is how you meant it to be, but the way this poem sounds in my head, the repeating lines are fading echoes. If I'm wrong, you can totally ignore MOST of what I have to say.
But if this is true then I have some suggestions. The idea of the fading echo might become more clear to the reader if instead of following the word with identical but separate lines, you separate the echoed word, then follow it on the same line with the word in parentheses and italicized. This gives them a softer sound in the mind versus when you separate lines it brings them emphasis and generally makes them sound louder or at least more important in the mind of the reader.
Next, there are just a couple little words choices I would suggest changing. This of course, as with all the suggestions in this review, are SUGGESTIONS, and you as the writer and parent to this poem, know what is best for it.
The line "The love for you within" I personally would change to "The love for you in me" because that would rhyme with see and it would make the idea more clear to the reader.
The line "as it cuts down my skin" might sound better with through instead of down, because that's generally the phrase people use for such things.
The line "and slowly drains my life" - is that kept short to bring it emphasis? Because if so I would leave it but I'd be tempted to have the fading echo because it would keep the flow running as it rhymes with knife.
The line "I am all alone you see" - first I would move 'you' up to the previous line, and just because of the syllables, I would contract I am to I'm.
The line "in my ever-present sorrow" I would change sorrow to a different word like gloom, because the echo effect doesn't work as well with words that have more than one syllable. Sorrow and gloom are not the same thing of course, but it would be a reasonable compromise, no?
The line "if you were here my angel" I would suggest only repeating the -gel because of the whole one-syllable deal.
As a whole, I'd suggest being more consistent. There are some lines where the first letter is capitalized even though it makes little sense and other lines where it would make sense to capitalize but it isn't. Also, is there a reason some words that are repeated start on the line about and then are followed by two lines? Others have the repeated word as three separate lines.
Oh, and the ending... I was a little confused. But when the skies are clear, makes me think it's a hypothetical situation, or somewhere in the future. Then to use the past tense it "was it" confused me the first couple times I read it. But I do like a lot, now that I understand.
Now to the fun part. There are some really beautiful and eloquent lines in the poem. My favorite is probably, "or from the caves that swell with sighs" for a couple reasons. It's the most skillful rhyme in the poem, in my opinion as it is the only on that rhymes with the two before it. The imagery is also beautiful especially combined with the previous lines. The visual of a cave swelling, sighing - I love it.
This is the longest review I have written, and it's not because you're poem stinks; on the contrary, it's because I can see, even feel, the potential in this poem to touch the hearts and effect the minds of the readers. It really is beautiful.
Well, I hope that was helpful. Really though, great job.