|Reviews for The Mystery Of The Seven Circles|
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
You start off on an interesting note.
face which was covered by black curly hair
- edit as : face which was covered with curly black hair.
huge yellow colored star
- can omit 'coloured'
in quite an
- 'quite' seems unnecessary
He was Inspector Rax. He was one of the most courageous officers
- Edit as Inspector Rax was one of the most
'He was Inspector Rax.' seems forced.
streaked with red in some places. He wore a
- Merge the two sentences by replacing the period by a comma or edit the first sentence by adding 'He was a tall man..'
He wore a black blazer underneath which was a white shirt and he also wore a black trouser.
- This sentence does not come off right.
Rephrase it as - He wore a black blazer on a white shirt, paired with black trousers.
We are five of them."
- This does not sound right.
Integrate it in the earlier sentence as
'We five do everything...'
I will inform them of your plight
- Plight sounds a little odd in my opinion. I think 'case' will sound better here.
Hah, interesting case.
Can we see Insp. Rax soon?
- via the roadhouse
| Alice's Pendant chapter 1 . 6/22/2010
Hiya! Congrats on this new story!
I must point out that there's too much description in the opening, you need to add narration!
The dialogue is very precise and realistic throughout the entire chapter! Well done!
And I noticed that your writing has matured..
I can't really say how, but I can feel it! XD