|Reviews for Bomb Squad|
| The Folk Extraction chapter 1 . 1/13/2011
This is a great story. It's obvious that there was a lot of thought and effort put into it and it definitely got it's message across at the end with the cycle of war continuing with the two kids. Very sad and sadly true.
Most of your invented terms were easy to understand even without the list at the end just because of the way they were used. Good job on that, it definitely helped add depth to the alien world.
My only little pointers for some corrections would be a few spelling mistakes here and there, just a few to point out:
'Heya, look, it the communist one minders. We a five planes to take down one mind."- it should be it's and in the second part 'we a' should be edited. Since this is dialogue it might be intentional, in that case you can ignore this, but might want to add something about the speaker being choppy.
"I've got a bur on me6."-I wasn't sure if there was supposed to be a 6 after me or not.
little things aside this was really great to read. An awesome idea, very thoughtfully written. I would add that communism in here seems to be portrayed more as fascism, but since Communism usually leads to that anyway I'll leave it alone and say GREAT JOB!
| Ioga chapter 1 . 12/1/2010
Interesting piece. I liked the unexpected demise of the main characters, it doesn't happen very often. :)
This story starts in an action scene, and ends soon after the action scene. In the middle, it introduces non-action background information (like Marie and Echo's relationship and children) which are important to the story. I was thinking maybe the story would benefit from starting a bit further off, where you could present these slower-moving things in a context more suitable for them (e.g. Marie and Echo preparing to head off, ignoring the rule for parents of children to not go on this mission, and kissing the children bye), and then keep the action scene more neatly as action.
It would also be interesting to know more about the Hegrim, whether they are just humans with an oppressive leader or if there's aliens involved or something. They're pretty much just portrayed as laughably inefficient but yet so horribly scary they need to be nuked away. Giving more of an idea of what they're like would make it easier to feel something for them.
The Hegrim also carry the most depressing actual complaint I have about the story. It pains me that a bright young writer from the US gets most of the fighter plane terminology and nuclear detonation physics right, yet portrays communism as a form of government where you're given a number for a name and your life is decided for you, and the fighters are willing to sacrifice their lives to buy freedom from this for their children.
The system you describe is an extreme case of totalitarian rule. Totalitarianism has nothing to do with communism, which is basically an idealistic idea of everyone owning everything together rather than the rich having much and the poor little. During the Cold War (and apparently even today, although one would hope not), the US and some other capitalist countries were very careful to provide propaganda - also for their own population - that portrayed communism and communists as horrors and monsters to defend their own choice of governance, capitalism. Reality is never that simple, so it's a good idea to apply critical thinking whenever someone wants to tell you that the other political party is somehow ill-meaning or less than human.
Minor nitpicks: "Alright echo, ready to do this?" - shouldn't echo be capitalized? And under it "lets kick some Hegrim but" - let's and butt. The footnote numbers might also be easier to take in in the text if they were in some kind of parentheses or brackets.
All in all, interesting and controversial piece, with a nice sprinkling of cynicism as a cherry on top. :) Thanks for this!