Reviews for Eighteen Minutes
Doodlezr1 chapter 1 . 8/20/2010
A story has to be really good to make me tear up and your story was really good becasue I teared up big time! Fabulous job on this even if it was sad but it was still amazingly written. So good job and keep up the good work!
RenRen Eli chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
I wonder what David feels during the process? Hm...

Anyway, this is wonderful, very wonderful.

Can you do a something with David's part? I mean write something in his perspective. But if you don't want it's just fine.
sophiesix chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
wow, that was really strong. very nicely written, tight, not too sparse, but without melodrama, but yeah, really powerfully too. I like the way teh mother is honest about what seh will and won't put herself through, i kind of admire her for that. at teh same time you feel teh guys pain that she's not there. congrats!
Lee Daniel chapter 1 . 7/6/2010
Sorry I am just getting around to reviewing this. I did actually read it before the end of the first challenge and really loved it. You definitely deserved to win the last round. This story really pulled me in and I could feel everything the main character was going through. Excellent writing.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/27/2010
...his little brother is tired of waiting and, if the execution is stayed at the very last second...

-Style Edit: would omit the comma after "and"

In fact, David had always made a point of taking full responsibility regardless of the consequences.

-Style Edit: would omit "in fact"

Ben can't even lie to him and say she'll be back because he wouldn't hear him.

-Edit: "wouldn't" is in past tense here...I think it should be in present: "...because he will not hear him."

In fact, if one didn't know any better, one might think he is just lying down for a nap.

-Style Edit: would omit "In fact"

...or any minutes at all.

-Style Edit: would omit "at all"

...and the priest is requesting he sign his name as well.

-Style Edit: would omit "as well" You've now used all three of the filler phrases that author's use to stuff a sentence with more words. I'm only saying they're style edits because it's up to you to choose if you want to change it or not, of course, I just find that "in fact", "at all", and "as well" some times don't need to be included in a narrative. I used to use them all the time too. But yeah, anyway, just so you know my explanation for most of the style edits!

Alright, so overall, I think you definitley worked the prompt in a unique way. I liked that-it could have even done without inserting the prompt literally into the writing, but I'm not sure how it's being judged anyway, I just think it came across clear enough. The biggest CC I have about this piece, is that the present tense sounded forced at times. It just wasn't natural to me, and there were a few times where I wasn't sure if you were even using the right tense, I pointed one of the ones I was sure about up above. I mean-it was well edited, and I love your clear writing style, but at the beginning I felt myself really fighting with the tense. I don't read many third-person narratives in present tense, they're almost always in past I think, so despite fighting it, I respect the experimentation and the originality.

The character of Ben was well characterized, and Mom too. I felt they all fit together in a realistic way. The dialogue was also realistic. I had no problem with that. I loved the way that you wrote for the prompt the best, and I found it original. The whole time I kept wondering what sort of situations would be original-and I definitley think you hit the nail on the head. Best of luck, it was a delightful read!
improvisationallychallenged chapter 1 . 6/26/2010

The second I realised what the core theme of this story was, it was like a punch to the gut. I was really not expecting that, and had lulled myself into the false security that this would be about an accident, an untimely death, or at worst a suicide, but wow - was I wrong.

The subtle unfurling of the true theme works really well. It lets the reader work it out for themselves, but leaves them in no doubt. That was really well done.

As I read on, it actually made my left inner arm start to burn and prickle. Needles, especially injections, really squick me out - even if it's just the idea of them.

The emotion in this is really strong, and really solid. It didn't feel overdone or heavy handed - it made me want to cry, and seriously, I don't say that sort of stuff often. I mean, last Doctor Who finale, during the 20 minute death scene of the Doctor, I was the one going "Oh for Pete's sake, just hurry up and DIE already..."

I'm really not the sentimental type at all, but this really got under my skin.

I have a feeling it's going to be sticking with me for some time...

Good luck in Write the Wrong _
Prinnydood02 chapter 1 . 6/26/2010
The narrative voice is pulled off successfully here. It sounds like the scene is being narrated almost like a public service announcement, which I found to be a good thing! The lack of real dialog is also a plus.

The only detractor is the grammatical mistakes of which there are many. They aren't criminally bad, but they are distracting. A simple re-read would help quash some of these. Personally, I also thought there was maybe a bit too much use of italics, which diminished the power of some of the more pointed lines.

Overall, a good piece. I hope this helps you move on to the next round!
PaulAsaran chapter 1 . 6/26/2010
I find it a nice touch that you took this from the perspective of the perspective of the executed's family, as opposed to the victim's family. Your descriptive format is great and there's good emotion overall.

However, there were times when I was a bit confused; it seemed almost as if the perspective changed from Ben's to David's and back without warning. I'm pretty sure this wasn't your intention, it just seemed to do it to me.

I was also a little lost in regards to the drunk driving part of the story - I did not see how it related to the murder. Perhaps I'm looking too directly for something. Or maybe you never intended for the connection to be clear, which is a plot trick in and of itself (one I approve of). However, if you did mean for me to understand how it relates... well, I just didn't see it.

Lastly, watch your grammar. I saw a couple mistakes in there. I won't go about pointing them out, because one of my personal peeves is for people to correct my grammar mistakes in public view. I'm not about to do that to someone else if I don't want people to do it to me.