|Reviews for Dreamer|
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 2 . 8/2/2012
I really like this idea of Alice having to go with them because there's a risk that she'll get in trouble for harboring fugitives. The thought of her being used as a Watcher is also very scary. I like the way you describe the Waters, because it indeed sounds very eerie and they seem incredibly dangerous. The thought of a person having the ability to mess with other people's minds is just... terrifying.
The part where Alice gets mad at them for talking telepathically was funny. That's another interesting device, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you'll handle it in later chapters when one of the guys are narrating. Speaking of which, it's cool that you decided to narrate from more than one person - I imagine that's gotta be difficult, especially because you have to tack down three different personalities.
Found some edits while reading:
[As Tom paced [a] around the room, Vincent sat in a chair, silently perusing my drawings.]
Edit: Remove the 'a'.
[I thought it'd be someone with the Underground," He flipped to another sketch I had, ]
Edit: The comma after 'Underground' needs to be a period.
[Tom glanced over at us with a little grin,]
Edit: Comma should be a period.
I gaped at them, but they didn't seem to notice my shock,"W-what? How did you survive that?"]
Edit: Comma after 'shock' should be a period. Also, looks like Fictionpress ate the space between Shock and What. I hate when it does that.
[ Tom grinned, "We got lucky, though."]
Edit: Comma after 'grinned' should be a period.
[Tom tapped his fingers against the windows glass.]
Edit: should be 'window's.'
[ As he exhaled I caught the scent of the smoke, it smelled almost pleasant, unlike the government provided New-Age tobacco .]
Edit: The first comma should be a semi-colon. Also, there's an extra space in front of the period.
[You used to call it being nationalistic before, but now it's 'obedience'. ]
Edit: The 'you' sounded a little out of place here. I think 'we' would be more appropriate.
[I jogged to catch up walking beside them again, we took up over half of the road.]
Edit: Comma should be a semi-colon.
[Irritated I ignored Tom,"Can you talk out loud?]
Edit: Need a comma after 'irritated.' Also, the comma after 'Tom' should be a period, and there needs to be a space before the dialogue.
[Vincent chuckled, "You're not even surprised."]
Edit: Comma after chuckled should be a period.
| A. Gray chapter 2 . 8/2/2012
Nice to know that Alice is as confused as I am about last night! I makes me realize that I didn't miss something, and thats a nice reassurance.
Poor Alice so all over the place after being thrown into the middle of this, but I can't help but think that it was fate. I mean how likely is it that a normal person would be a Dreamer.
lovely ending leading into more. I think this was a very solid chapter, and I liked that it was short. It showed how Alice must feel that everything is speeding by.
| A. Gray chapter 1 . 8/2/2012
Opening with such fear in a nice hook, and really give us insight to how this population was cowed.
Very interesting hint with this gray sky and no sunsets. Why is it like that? I can't wait to read more to find out.
Oh my what happened to the man, and why were the papers suddenly not so important. Considering this woman had just been in the same place as these two strangers it's not really a stretch that she helped them.
Ah such a strong line that Alice is tired of fear. I t must be that way for a lot of people in this world, and it amkes it easy to see where a resistance or such will come in. and you bring it in nicely with Alice's thought about the underground.
Excellent hook at the end. A dreamer, but you haven't really gone into her lack og memories tha tyou indicate from teh summery. I look forward to understanding more.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 7/28/2012
I really like the way you opened this up and developed the setting before getting too far into the story itself. You have a great way of describing things without it being too heavy, and you use very vibrant, detailed words that make sure it never gets boring. I also really liked this idea of how Tom can read people's thoughts, and how Alice and Vincent are both "dreamers" able to see the future when they fall asleep. I think it puts a very interesting spin on a sci-fi story, and I always love those types of powers, things that mess with a person's mind or enhance their mental abilities. It's always more believable than super strength, other things like that.
Haha, I liked the part where Tom was pretty much going over everything Alice had been thinking while she was helping them. I would have freaked out if he did that to me. I particularly liked how he asked her why she had so many hiding places - that made me chuckle.
I thought the ending was a little too abrupt, though. But I think that's because it seems to cut off right in the middle of their conversation. Ignore this complaint if this is just a scene break, though.
[" Do you happen to have any bandages for my friend? My name's Tom by the way, short for Thomas,"]
I noticed a few times you had some spaces between a quotation mark and the first word of dialogue. Also, this above example should end with a period and not a comma. Some of the speaker tags were used incorrectly as well. Some of them were being led into with a period when it should've been a comma.
[You can travel into other people's minds, in the present." said Vincent.]
Like this one, for example. The period after 'present' needs to be a comma.
[I had already thought of what I could do, I had knives in the kitchen.]
Similar to this example, I noticed quite a few comma splices. This comma should be a semi-colon, or you could make the comma into a period and make them two different sentences. If you have two complete thoughts next to each other, they need to be attached with either a semi-colon or a conjunction word.
| xXxd chapter 1 . 6/23/2012
Hi there from the Roadhouse! :)
This is a great story you have here, the descriptions at the beginning really depict the kind of dark environment Alice was in. With the terminologies you used in this story, it really makes it more unique and suited the story era.
Noticed a few spelling mistakes, but the overall plot for this chapter was great, i really admire Alice's courage to let two strangers whom she never meet before in her home. Keep up the good work! :)
| October Autumn chapter 5 . 5/4/2012
This continues to get more interesting!
| Mizumori Fumaira chapter 3 . 1/5/2012
wow! this is a great story! please update soon!
| Vampdragon chapter 3 . 1/5/2012
cool can't wait to read more
| Vampdragon chapter 1 . 1/5/2012
seems really interesting!
| mountainman91 chapter 2 . 12/31/2011
Gripping. Smoothly written, obviously composed with considerable care and thoughtfulness. Bravo! I look forward to your next installment.
| Randomly Addicting chapter 1 . 1/4/2011
O: I like it. :D
I've been trying to write a story about something...kinda like this, but it's been difficult.
You've done a good job so far, yay. :]
| salt pillar chapter 1 . 7/20/2010
This. Sounds. So. COOL!
I say this in a lot of reviews (they're starting to sound kind of repetitive to me now), but it's something I really appreciate: You've put an admirable amount of work into your world building. The Dreamers, Sub-Cs, everyone... I'm absolutely in awe, I could never pull that off.
I couldn't find any problems with grammar, either.
I don't really have anything to complain about with the content, but one thing I've noticed about people who spend a lot of time on world building is that they go one of two ways.
1. They don't spend enough time on character development.
2. They put just as much effort into their characters as they do the settings.
From the little bit I've read so far, it seems you're going more with the second one, so no problems there. I was just throwing that out so you could watch for it in later chapters.
Please update soon!
| Ariem chapter 2 . 7/2/2010
Great. You've somehow managed to fit more mystery in. Thanks P
So she had dreams about creating Watchers too? Genetically modified secret police? O...Scary...
Keep on wit ya writing-
| Scriber08 chapter 1 . 7/2/2010
Great job with the first chapter. It captured my attention right away. Your story reminds me of cross between the book 1984 and the movie the Invasion especially the aspect that people lose all sense of emotion. I would hate to live in that world. Anyways nice start.
| Ariem chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
Oh, I'm curious...
It has a dystopian edge to it, a bit like V for Vendetta, which my mate forced me into seeing. Do watch it, it's actually an awesome film.
But I digress. Your plot bunny has me hooked. Write moar!