|Reviews for An Escapable Confinement|
| Charactarantula chapter 1 . 9/24/2010
So this is your uber-delayed review for your Caption Contest victory. Woohoo!
I'm not the greatest at reviewing poetry, since I have a hard time analyzing personal experiences that I know nothing about, but I'll do what I can to point out what I liked, didn't like, what worked, what didn't... etc. We'll see what happens.
"It pretty much tells the story of my love life"
"Torn between running free or holding fast"
Figured it all out from the first line. ;)
"I'm a bird; you're a master of strings:
You've tied me down and broken my wings."
Love these lines. The rhyme works quite well, and I love the imagery. It's a winner.
"My own repercussions are the reason I'm alone
Ensnared to this piece of withered ground;
For you're a user to which I am sewn, and
The weak seams are still there, unripped…
I should have known you wouldn't stick around."
I would take the 'and' in the third line and throw it into the fourth to start the sentence. I think it hampered the flow a tad. Just a tad.
"I see your face, your flawless face as you smile, as you be."
I also think another comma after face would help the flow.
"My heart soars at your empty words I've sighed,
Over and over again to the silent azure sky."
Something definitely needs to be put between 'words' and 'I've.' I had to re-read it to make sure I knew what was going on.
"My hopefulness is mocking, but if I could rewind time,
I know what I would find-"
Eh, this one feels forced. The second line is too short and that's why the rhyme didn't carry.
"My broken bird of a heart, with the same puppeteer of a man
Who still has the same sadistic pleasure when he let go of my hand."
I like what you're saying here, but it could be helped by cutting down the amount of words.
For instance, "My broken bird of a heart, same puppeteer of a man, same sadistic please as he lets go of my hand." Just a thought.
I didn't 'like' the ending stanza, I mean, I knew exactly where you were coming from. I knew the point you were trying to make. I've been there. But.
Hm, it just didn't carry as well with the poem. The rhythm just needs some serious re-arrangement. You know?
That's all I've got to say. It's not bad by any means, in fact I quite liked it. Just needs some fine-tuning. :)
Congrats on the win!
| Mi.Ishi chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
Here to pay for your contest win!
So, I will warn that I'm pretty critical when it comes to novels, but since this is a poem we'll see how it goes...
First off, I don't know how I like the rhyming scheme. You have couplets in the beginning, and the rhymes themselves were a little juvenile. It picks up into the middle, but the rhythm of it gets messed up. For instance, in the third stanza, where you say "above." That just totally throws off the pacing, since this doesn't seem like a free verse poem.
There's bits and pieces which grate on me, and there's no real consistency in it. It feels very transparent, and there are parts that just read very awkwardly, or feel very insincere.
Actually, I think that might be why I don't think it's very strong. It doesn't feel like it's coming from the heart, which is obviously very important for a poem like this. There's not a ton of cohesion either, and so for this poem I think that that are the two things you could work on.
To improve sincerity, try and tone down those weirdly formal and kinda wordy lines. Such as "...it doesn't understand my brain's purpose for logic." That doesn't feel sincere, and it also doesn't make a ton of sense (cause brain's purposes are typically logical, but their reasoning for its logic might be what the heart doesn't understand, which is a whole different meaning from what you have there.)
And to improve cohesion, take out those obvious statements, and make more metaphors about being a bird. Like, clipping the feathers of your wings, the bars of the cage that hold you in. The people who can look in, but you can't really get out.
I really liked the line "I can't remember why I've died/Why I'm still here, waiting and unable to fly." That flowed well, had nice pacing to it, and nice imagery too. And that follows the couplet pattern you've established in the start.
Anyway, I would relook those things I mentioned. Your writing is strong, but you need to gain a better grasp of imagery/metaphor and other literary devices for a piece like this. Good luck! :)
-Shay (your neighbourhood RH mod)
| white wolf97 chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
i was reading this while listening to "Smooth Criminal" so i have to say, background songs make teh poem seem more epic!
i'm gonna read teh rest of Persephone's flight now. more reviews for that, check out my story The White Wolf, please. i just updated it, but if you already read it then THANKS!
| seredemia chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
Wow. This is your first attempt at rhyming..? *Slaps you* IT'S NOT FAIR! I can't rhyme to save my life, and you make it seem so effortless and easy! Hmph! That being said, I thought this was beautiful! The first verse instantly drew me in, especially the "You've tied me down and broken my wings." part. That was so... sad and... heartbreaking. Even though it's about birds, I get the feeling that it can be about some girl as well. Like someone she loved left her and lied to her, etc. I simply adored this poem. It's really a work of art...
Repay via the Unwanted?~
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
I sucks in the rhyming factor, so sorry that I can't help out here. Anyway, it seems that this work have a very heavy tone of fatalism in love here. Or maybe it just reinforced the cliched love is blind kind of logic. But anyway, goo feel of imagery on the wordings. The whole broken wings and puppeteer link at the beginning was very strong in particular. And sue me for being a Christian nutbar, but I can actually associate this work with the spiritual aspect mainly because alternatively, this poem could be interpreted as a certain imagery on a person struggling with his own sins and the resultant perception that he won't be saved because of that. It's like the me being the human and you being the sin/Satan/Devil/or wtf you can call the whole greater evil. Yes, I tend to go off tangent in my take in individual poetry. Maybe my brain has been wired along this nature right from the start. I don't know tbh. -.-
P.S: I could have reviewed Persephone's Flight, but since you requested for either your joint project or your poetry, I just have set this one aside on the basis of your preferred priority. Sorry for my failure self again. -.-
-From The Roadhouse. :)
| deefective chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
I actually really like this piece as well. Lovely, lovely imagery, first off. My favorite line has got to be:
"My broken bird of a heart, with the same puppeteer of a man"
It's really poetic and dramatic yet at the same time subtle with the message in a way that is clear but not overbearing. I liked the whole imagery of the bird and puppet and master. It's interesting to see you weave it in through the words because you have a way of doing it that goes "in and out and in and out", if that makes any sense. Speaking of which, the word choice was pretty excellent in some place. At times, though, I felt like you were overcompensating because of the rhythm, which threw it off. Instead you could have simplified and gotten a better effect. As for the flow, it's weird because in the beginning you have it down pat. I get that it's a rhyming piece but the first stanza didn't feel forced or over-rhymed or anything. But then we jump into the second and everything just goes all over the place. I'm thinking maybe you were trying to combine freeverse and rhyme? If so, then you could've done a better job with the freeverse. The rhymthm was really off, which is unfortunate because this piece could actually be quite beautiful. Clever use of the saying "Better to love and lost than not to love at all" in the ending lines there. It's not exactly subtle but it's not obnoxious either. You could get rid of the ellipses. I think that would have made the ending that much more powerful and final. Overall, a pretty amazing attempt at your first rhyming poem. I've seen a lot worse but it seems like you could have a talent with this kinda thing. Nicely done.
| short circuit chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
"Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Your first verse is amazing, the best in the entire poem. The metaphor is simply lovely. Yes, the rhythm and syllables don't match, and the rhyming scheme is a bit weird, but the concept behind it and your words are beautiful. And I can I completely relate to the heart's love not comprehending the brain's logic.
| lianoid chapter 1 . 6/30/2010
The first stanza is beautiful. You have a wonderful talent for opening pieces with fantastic imagery. Nothing to critique here. Fantastic way to begin!
The second stanza wasn’t my favourite. It seems I always have an allergic reaction to rhyming stanzas of five lines. It’s the rhythm and rhyme that has me confused. I can never really find the tempo with them. That being said, I don’t like the “My own repercussions” part. It doesn’t really make sense to me, actually. (It’s early and I’m sick, so that doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t make sense). I’m not inside your head, so I’m not 100% sure what you’re trying to convey, so forgive me if I’m being too bold in throwing a few lines your way. I’m just tossing them out there because these were the alternative lines I thought of when I read this second stanza. The syllables don’t match, but whatever.
-A trail of mistakes have led me here
-Following the wrong path, I’m now left alone
-I was led astray and now I’m all alone
-Foolishness led me here and is the reason I’m alone
That’s it. I’m sick so unfortunately I can’t explain my motivation with this one coherently enough. Just wanted to throw those your way for the sake of it. Also, for some reason the word “user” didn’t fit with the rest of this stanza, in my opinion.
The third stanza was more to my liking, however the “as you be” didn’t do it for me. I think perhaps it’s the extra syllables. If you changed it to read “I see your face, as you smile, as you be” it would be more to my liking. Of course, this is merely one woman’s personal preference, so feel free to ignore.
The fourth stanza was a hit-and-miss. The third and fourth lines were just marvellous, I love the “I’ve unearthed in a lie.” I thought that was an interesting contrast to the image of a bird. I almost felt like a bird was digging for a worm or something, and ended up pulling out a lie. I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for – I don’t think it was – but still I really liked it. “My happiness is twisted” didn’t speak to me clearly. I think if you found another word for “twisted”, it would improve this line.
The firth stanza was okay. I like the third and fourth lines, but I think “My broken bird of a heart” might read better as “The broken bird of a heart” since you’ve already established the narrator as being the bird. I also like the sudden break off after “find”. It made me pause and had the wonderful effect of me visualizing time being rewound.
The sixth stanza isn’t doing it for me either. The rhyming isn’t consistent, so it’s throwing me off balance. I’m not good with poetry to begin with, and I’m a horror when it comes to reviewing it, so feel free to cast my review to the wind; my analysis and critique isn’t backed by any sort of competence in this field. I’m not a fan of “the reasons listed above.” It snapped me out of the poem, and I almost felt like I should go back and read the earlier stanzas. I don’t know how to describe it unfortunately, I just didn’t like the effect that part had.
The last stanza didn’t hit me like it should have. I really like the last line, but only the second half of it. I just don’t feel like the two pieces fit together as well as it could. I love the first line in this stanza, though. It was smooth and gentle and I thought that was an interesting way of describing love. The second appearance of the line “the reasons listed above” snapped me out of it again; it’s just not doing it for me.
Overall, I think this was a wonderful first attempt. The first attempt is always a bit awkward. Looking back on my first try, Cliffside Cemetery, I find myself rather embarrassed, actually. Ha-ha. So at least you don’t have to be embarrassed with this one. You have a lot of beautiful imagery here. Excellent work, Avid.
| InkedSoul chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
Wow, this is a really powerful poem. The imagery, the words, and the theme, were all woven together so perfectly and the way you describe every thing so realistically really helps enhance it. The rhyming sequence however was a bit off because you were trying to add more description which I understand. I wouldn't really have any great advice on how to make it rhyme perfectly but I would suggest taking out some parts or shortening what you want to say using smaller words. Of course though you probably love this poem too much to really want to change anything and I don't blame you, but overall good work (:
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
I think this one was pretty nice too. :D
It was quite sad (or depressing, as you say p), but I liked some of the language you used here.
I also like how you actually made this poem rhyme, because there are a lot of non-rhyming ones with good themes, and (sort of) pointless rhyming ones, and since yours has both, it's a huge plus! :)
Unfortunately I'm no good with poetry so I can't help you much with rhythm or anything like that, but still, I think this was done pretty well :)
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
I liked the variations in punctuation. It gave the writing a more quirky or poetic feel. Also, nice metaphors with the bird and the puppeteer. I like how you continually referenced them throughout the poem. It tied it all together and made it seem like something physical, almost. I'm a sucker for awesome metaphors, so good job with this!
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
From the Roadhouse:
- “My own [repercussions] are the reason I'm alone…” Good line, but I’m not sure that this is the right word you’re looking for.
- “I can't remember why I've died.” Good line. (:
This piece is very honest and angsty, but it didn’t seem exaggerated or unrealistic. I understood what you wanted to say, and I found myself relating with a lot of what the narrator was saying. Your use of metaphor was good too, and there were several in there that I’d never heard before. Great work!
| waitingforwhatever chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
Well, personally I didn't like the inconsistent rhyme scheme, but I think you'll get it eventually. It takes a bunch of practice to be able to have consistent rhyming in a poem. But I digress.
I loved the imagery and especially the extended metaphor. Keep up the good work!
| DreamAHero chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
Good job on your poem. Very sweet, and yet sad in a way. It made me think of the old saying, 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'
Good job rhyming. I can't rhyme, so I only do free verse. Still, good job. You should be proud of your work.
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
It gives a feel of hopelessness - tied to a person, but the twisted thing is that you still like that person. It is like being in a abusive relationship - the person does not opt out even if miserable, because you are tied to the person by bonds of love.
I would compare these two characters to a star and wagon type of relationship - the wagon thinks that he is the star, so he abuses the wagon into believing that she is the wagon, and not the star.
listen to the reasons listed above
- 'reasons listed above' seems a little forced
Very interesting read! Loved it! :D