|Reviews for Viper: Original Cut|
| bibliophile1 chapter 4 . 6/9/2011
My first impression is “very jarring.” The grammar and typos are annoying to the point of misery, especially for that little grammar nut in my brain who makes me wonder if I’m OCD. The sentences are short and disconnected and very spare on actual information. I almost can’t read through it for the way you’ve cut up your events into pieces.
If what you're tying to convey with your prologue is that John/Viper is trying to skip over something he doesn't want to think about, that's okay, but it shouldn’t last forever. At least add some kind of transition between ideas instead of pummeling the reader with the bare bones of the facts. You’re not doing a lot of showing here, just a bunch of telling. You can't just use the bare minimum like you would in comics; you have to TELL us what the pictures would SHOW us.
Instead of just saying, "It was like 9/11 all over again. Then World War 3 started. I was drafted. My house was destroyed and my wife was killed. I didn't know how I could live on," try something like, "It was like 9/11 all over again. People were terrified for their lives, anxious to point fingers and annihilate the people responsible. Then WW3 started, and I was drafted. Soon after, my house was destroyed and my wife was killed. I didn't know how I could live on after that."
I also noticed that the summary looked a BIG FAT LOT like Doctor Who-and then you go and say it directly! He's not going to turn into the first Time Lord, is he? You're borderline FanFiction here! I like the idea of Viper getting his dreams, but the show, the dreams, and reality are not as connected as they could be. It's not a series of scenes, here; this is a story that has words instead of pictures to move us from one section to another.
I'm gonna keep reading and see what else I see before I say much else... just keep in mind that you're writing for an audience that can't actually SEE Viper like comic readers would.
Hey, it’s a big transition. I know I can’t write comics worth crap, let alone draw characters consistently! I’m just too much in the groove of story-writing, whereas you seem to be used to a comic-book style of plain, segmented dialogue and action. Keep writing, though, and you’ll develop the skills you need. Then you get to be that lucky person who can do books AND comics.
| Koszmar chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
The premise for your story has a lot of potential, however, reading this was a bit jarring. It would be a much nicer read if you added more detail - what does your main character see/feel/hear - the dialog is decent, but without any further descriptions we're sort of left blind. Your character says that the robots are awesome, but he doesn't tell us WHY they are awesome, and as a writer, it is more about showing than telling. A little more back story would have helped as well, who IS your main character, why is he (is it even a he?) being called a viper, and what is a viper?
Maybe you answer these questions further on, so I'll try to continue, but I thought I'd give just a few criticisms to help out.