|Reviews for Y|
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 9/16/2010
I've seen that author's note before.
I was a little bit confused in the beginning by the allusion to Toy Story. Perhaps you might consider something besides "infinity and beyond" in the dative case. Because this sure as hell ain't Toy Story.
... Dee? Are you sure you wrote this, 'cause, well... see, there ISN'T ANY SEX IN IT!
I'm not sure if it totally worked in your favor to start over half of your sentences with a coordinating conjunction. By the end of the poem, that habit got a little bit worn out. I think you could have paced that usage a lot better.
A note: "his mouth is turning to cotton because he talks too much but he knows it" might work better as "his mouth is turning to cotton because he talks too much, but he knows it."
Notice the comma.
Okay, I have a HUGE piece of advice for you here that I think could really help. The stanza that begins "I am broken..." doesn't flow the way you want it to, I don't think. There isn't enough pause in between that stanza and the previous one. I use the following technique quite often, although I think my most effective usage is in "miss brightest-star".
"I / am broken and care-less..."
I think that enjambment will really help your poem along.
I definitely see some repetitive imagery here, but there isn't so much that it truly gets in the way. You could have been a little more diverse with your adjective/adverb choice, though.
Now, as always, I get to do one of my favorite things ever and comment on your rhythm!
It was slower than usual. I'm going to make a metaphor/simile. It was like Metallica's "Four Horseman" versus Megadeth's "Mechanix." The latter is the same song as Metallica's except it was sped up about thirty percent and used different lyrics. Metallica's version hits harder and heavier, while Megadeth's is faster and pretty much sends a howitzer through your earlobes. This poem was "Four Horsemen", while standarDee is "Mechanix".
It is ironic, also, that "Mechanix" is just an extended metaphor about sex, while "Four Horsemen" is about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I think there's more symmetry there than I even saw at first.
This was a thank you for the Fight for the Freebie, by the way. Your PM is being worked on... I am nasty bogged down with homework right now, and I still have three reviews to return.
And there's another one off the Complete Works of Dee. I've got a sticky note up next to my computer telling me which ones I've read and reviewed, and which chapters, if applicable. This here is number sixteen (fourteen, technically, but I reviewed all three chapters of Logical Ideas with one review).
Hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon!
| ranDUMM chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
I have to say that the repetition of the choice lines is brilliant. It was a really good decision, and it makes your poem that much better. It kind of emphasizes it, but too much, since there are other lines repeated as well.
I love your descriptions! They're so good and they paint such a perfect picture in my head. I love reading it, and I think you sed exactly the right words in the right places. So a huge well done for that!
- "There are four of us. There are millions of us." I LOVE that line! My favourite line, and I think rerepeating that line was a MAJORLY good decision.
A lovely poem, a favourite poem! :) Continue writing, this was a brilliant poem!
| Just Silly Me chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
So far, I'm intrigued. You have some sentences that tend to go on and on and on and on, a problem of mine as well.
"The ringing is loud..." as an example.
maybe a comma after "trying to help her."
self-destruct usually has a comma.
doppelganger-not sure what this is.
at first I had to do a little thinking on the little "care-less" bit, but now that I get it I think it's pretty cool how you did that. Nice.
Really interesting, a pretty nicely done short story. My biggest suggestion, again, is to watch the long sentences. But I'm afraid to mess up your style because I really like it, so I'm just going to quietly add this to my favorites and hope everything's good... xD.
A review for The Roadhouse forum
| Bayroot chapter 1 . 7/10/2010
Hey yo... so I owe you a review from like WCC May... but I've been lazy as hell. So... sorry about that... nothing personal.
I'm reviewing as I read... so if this doesn't make sense that's why. Going by the title (and Buzz Lightyear quote) I'm going to assume this is about Generation Y and if so, this description fits perfectly:
"But she is broken and ungrateful and an awful friend.
And she is going to kill herself."
As unbelievably rude as this sounds (I don't care), that sums up the majority of Gen-Yers... fuckers are all pumped full of medication and still beg to be noticed without bothering to better themselves...
Anyway, you manage to keep the flow/pace nice and even you don't stray at all, which reads well. It comes across as an interesting writing style, that I've seen a few attempt before (and fail... horribly) but you pulled it off.
As I'm reading this it seems like you despise these people yet enjoy them at the same time, like a guilty pleasure. Everyone knows at least one or two people like this, so it is very easy to connect with this piece.
I don't see anything grammatically wrong this this, you seem to have that all covered. I like your work, and I love how you ended this... as lame as it sounds (I'm still going to say it)... this is deep..
ahaha... excellent work!
| Stuart Johnson chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
No complaints from me. Very well written, with a lot of good word choice. You have a knack for packing a large amount of description into a few select words.
Another great part was the amount of mystery that you wove. Whenever an author is questioning their own work, it always provides that extra hook I need to keep going.
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
I loved this.
First I went through the whole thing and then back to the title. Does 'Y' represent the next generation as 'X' did?
You have chosen four people who represent millions. Rather than representing a whole person, in my opinion, they represent a set of vices that each one has. Pessimism, addiction, self doubt.
Is it a table for infinity as there are yet more to come? More people who will join these representatives, perhaps the generations after the next and the next?
I particularly liked:
There are four of us. There are millions of us.
| Experiment101 chapter 1 . 7/3/2010
I thought this was beautifuly written but what broke it up for me was this " table waiting for infinity and beyond and
infinity and beyond. " For some reason it just didn't seem to work right for me and messed up the flow for the next paragraph.
Otherwise an extreamly interesting piece.
E- from the road house.
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
This is fantastic. :) You're really talented writing about abstract things. In a good way, of course. :)
I really liked all of the descriptions that you used. I would have never thought to have written something like "I am a bruised, crying cigarette," or things like that. :)
I also liked the way you wrapped the whole thing up with using a slightly altered version of the beginning at the end. :) (I love it when people do that. :P)
I really liked the whole tone of this one-shot, and also the point of it... I think it means, (You can correct me if I'm wrong, :P) that we become the people that we associate with. :) Sometimes it's a good thing, but othertimes it isn't. I think you also made a good point of not judging others, because we often have those traits that we find "terrible" things to have.
Great job. I really liked this. :D
~Avid. :) Roadhouse.
| Liya Smith chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
Hi. I'm YouSuckEggs from The Review Game. I actually really liked the tone of your voice, it carried a lot emotion. One aspect that I liked was:
An alarm goes off in the background, but no one cracks and we are still as stone. (What are we?)
And the alarm is still going off and it sounds too much like us, it sounds too much like me.
(Who am I?)
The (What are we?) and (Who am I?) was a powerful hit and I enjoyed that. I liked the sense of mystery in this piece, as well as your descriptive tongue and good use of metaphors. Great job.
| Mayonaka-Neko chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
Wow that was just wow. that was really good. Your emotion and the topic came really close to home with me. I loved it. Thank you for posting it.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/28/2010
Two things came to me as I read the title. One, 'Y' as in a Gen-X substitute for 'Why' and two, the Y chromosome, inherently female.
Very nice intro. Reminds me of a scene in Les Miserables. Empty chairs at empty tables, glorious metaphors and all XD. The 'I'm a bruise!' was also powerful and painful to read in equal parts. That's really the line that stuck with me throughout, although there were some other gems like 'tumour in his soul and a virus in his lazy eye'. And let's not forget 'And I am defective?' ;)
Great read. As always.